Wife's Goal...Amicable Divorce! HELP!!!

[JustStunned]

Thanks so much for the reminders and the support. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits to have the support from another person who is going through it too.

I have read it and I had her back working on things in September and I got complacent and let a fight happen out of my jealousy in early December. For her this was the breaking point. She acted as if everything was cool over the holidays and then dropped the bomb again on 1/4/12. She fired our marriage counselor and luckily or not we have a new one. But her goal in counseling is to exit the marriage while mine is to save it.

Ok, so you got complacent and escalated an argument. I perceive you realize this was a mistake. Don’t repeat it. I suspect if you turn this around and get back to working on things again she will be sensitive to this mistake. She may even probe for it.

I really need to find the inner strength to follow the rules and follow through with the program. Not sure how to deal with having to put my thoughts and feelings out there with the new marriage counselor though.

You said career military. So what are the first 2 general orders for sentries? Now take charge of yourself. Walk this post. Use your professional aplomb

I really need to let go of trying to contro the outcome of this regardless of how terrible the collateral damage and long term effects are on the kids. If I love them, I guess I have to just trust in that higher power and the program to work.

You do not have control of the outcome. You do not control her. You only control you and how you act. Use the concern about how this will affect the kids to motivate yourself and only to motivate yourself. Develop a deeper trust in your faith whatever that may be. It can help to center yourself and calm some of this ride


I guess in the end, if she is going to leave me, there is nothing I can really do to stop her. My greatest fear is that if she does leave and has a change of heart later that the damage may be to great for me to return to the table.

Let go of the fear, it does not serve you or your purpose. If she leaves, she leaves. If she comes back, she comes back. Again you do not control another’s actions.

Should she pause and consider coming back she is more likely to favorably consider it if the road home has been paved and is smooth. And standing at the end is a calmly confident, considerate; in control of himself man she was a fool to have left.

I just thought of another problem I don't have a solution for. I am a career military man and W really has me by the balls with my work and deployment schedule. Any recommendations on how to deal if she goes and finds a place of her own?

I do not have a good response here. I was not involved in a serious relationship during my enlistment. I’ll offer this suggestion only because I knew a couple of Marines that went this route when trouble at home kept them from performing. We had a very good First Sergeant, or you may wish to speak with the Chaplin b/c he will hold confidences. Neither can solve the problem, but may be able to offer suggestions or another perspective.


I have made it clear that I have not been physically abusive in any way. I have ceased all consumption of alcohol, although for many years I have been a 1-2 beer a night guy unless we were out partying together.


Who are you speaking to here? Who did you make it clear to? I ask b/c this comes across as anger, and in your post above you mentioned a fight b/c you were jealous. You cannot afford escalations to angry exchanges. Do you have a 180 here?


I also don't intend to let her uproot the kids from the home they have known for the past two years. The logistics on this may get tricky...


This comes across as confrontational. I get your concerns about the kids, and setting boundaries where they are concerned. You want what is best for them. Use care they do not become a bargaining point as this will serve no one and likely harm them.

Maybe I should just stop trying to predict the future?

Definitely stop predicting fearful outcomes. A little prior planning is good, use care not to get wrapped around the axle.

Thinking about what you are doing for yourself, for and with the kids, less about what she is doing and how that will look like will help you detach a bit.