Please say nothing to him today. Like Mr. Bond said you will be signing the D yourself.
Can you and your son sleep at a friends or families house tonight? trust me your prespective will change if you wait a day or a week or two. Even if you feel them same you will not speak with such anger.
What are the results you want? Do you want your H to come back to your marriage?
If you tell your H off, you are pushing him farther away from you. It will reinforce his thoughts about you
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I was also on the bad side of an EA. I can tell you that for the first 24 hours after I found out, I was a wreck, and would have said and done things I would have regretted. Fortunately my W was out of state on a business trip and out of touch, and that saved me to a large degree because I had to sit and stew.
When you find out, you go into shock and you panic, and that is not where you want to be. If ever there was a time to invoke Purgatory's 24 hour rule, this is it.
To some degree you've been playing poker with H, he's been holding his cards close, you've been showing yours. Time to stop that. Don't act, don't discuss *yet*. As the evidence mounts, you *will* want to confront him, you'll be desperate to confront him, because you will believe that you will get sorrow, regret, and an apology. I can save you the suspense and tell you that only happens in the movies. What you'll get in reality is anger and recrimination, and that will make you feel even worse. I can virtually guarantee it. Remember I predicted EA based on his "script" he was feeding you. I can also predict a lack of remorse. You will want the remorse, it will not be forthcoming.
Right now you're angry and you have every right to be. You do not want to allow your H to "cake eat" as it's called, which is to have an affair of any kind while continuing to be in a relationship with you at the same time. No one wants that.
Here's a question for you -- what do you want longer term? Think 3 moves ahead. Pretend that H's affair is over, what will you want then? Will you want H back, or will you want to move on? Will you be able to forgive, or is your trust permanently destroyed?
You have many decisions to make, but you don't have to rush to make them. You can boot H out of the house. That *may* make him smell the coffee, give up OW, and come back to you. It may also drive him farther away and he'll never come back. It may make him want to come back home, but not give up OW, and just take that deeper underground, covering it with more lies. You *may* be able to make H feel deprivation by pushing him out, but you may also make him feel freedom, and it may reinforce his decision to distance himself from you, so it's not without risk.
I *highly* recommend you work with a DB coach on this site. I worked with Cheryl and she was great. It costs money, but I viewed it like a medical emergency, if I broke my arm, I wouldn't try to set it myself to save money, I'd go see a doctor. I have broken my arm in the past, and when I found out about my W's EA, I felt much worse than any bone break, and the DB coach helped me feel much better and much more in control, so it may be the best money I ever spent. I think if you look up DB on Facebook there is a coupon for a discount.
You may want to review Adinva's sitch, she's also dealing with a husband who has withdrawn. When I asked her about OW, she said it didn't matter, because there is nothing she could do about it if there was an OW. She really did seem to have a very positive way of framing it, that has helped to inform her path forward. She's been in her sitch for quite a while and has certainly done more self-actualization than I have.
For now, don't confront H and don't boot him out. Continue working on you and thinking about how you can be the best nhmom you can be. Find other ways to vent. Do use the time to think and plan. A confrontation may be in your future, but do it on your terms when you have thought through what comes next, what your reaction will be if you get anger, and what requests or demands you will make of H. If he denies or doesn't agree with those requests or demands, what will you do or say? Script it all out, think it all through, and be sure it's the path you want before you take the first step down it.
I referenced it before, Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" was written specifically for cake eating situations. Although it's dated, has a chapter that is extremely homophobic, and some advice may not directly line up with DB, a lot of it directly supports DB and gives you very good ways to look at what's happening and think about what your next move should be. There is lots of good in there and it's available on Kindle.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Ok guys...I didn't tell him. I stayed cool and went along "as if" I didn't know the new information, "as if" I don't feel angry and betrayed. I do agree with all of you that I need to cool my head before I say anything, to make sure that it's not just anger and venom speaking.
H came home while S4 and I were playing Kinect Sports2. S4 and I were having a good time together. H went on to finish cooking dinner, did some dishes and unloaded the dishwasher. One of his good friend's from high school sent a thank you card. H was his best man in his wedding just a few months ago. The card said things like how much friend appreciated the friendship and how good of a guy H is (in my head I'm thinking only if he knew). I said to H how nice of friend to send the card. H agreed and said that it's not like him. I could tell that H's head was elsewhere. I'm thinking that friend's talk to him shook him up a bit. I'm sure H was afraid that friend had said something, but I pretended that I didn't know. We ate dinner in silence, then H went to the bedroom to use his new iPad. I didn't question a thing. One time passing by he even stopped me to share a new issue from work. I listened.
H offered to read books to S4 tonight (he hasn't offered himself in a long time). S4 didn't want him to at first, but I encouraged him. After S4 was in bed, I went onto the living room and started watching TV....patiently trying to get through the remaining half an hour of H in the house. H has soccer tonight and won't be home until after I'm asleep.
The whole evening I kept remembering everyone's words from this afternoon and telling myself to stay calm. H came into the living room asked if I wanted to talk. I played dumb, asked him about what. He said 'what do you think?" I told him that I didn't really want to talk. H said he's trying to make an effort and talk to me and I was again shutting down and pushing him away. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner. Do I tell him the truth about how I feel? I thought all relationships are based on truth? Or do I keep pretending? I knew that in his current state no matter what I said and no matter how true something is, he will not see it for what it is. So I said that I can't really talk right now and had some things to sort out first. I could see H's expression, H kept asking what. I said that I need to sort out my feelings, need to figure out what I want in the future, and whether I want him in my future. I know I should not have said that, but that planted a seed in his mind that I'm considering a future without him. H turned defensive again, started saying all those things again about him doing everything and giving everything for us and getting nothing in return. I said I was sorry for causing him to feel certain things and that was never intentional. H again said that the worst part is what it took for me to open my eyes and "snap out of it". I kept telling myself to stay cool. H again said that we don't know each other anymore, etc. Before he left, H said "You think you have nobody, but I am the one who has nobody to talk to". I said he did, he has family and friends, but he said that he can't talk to them. I did my best to bite my tongue and mention the OW. I didn't say a word. H said that if we do go our separate ways, that he hopes to do it in the most amicable way and that the least I can do is to let him see S4 (or something like that). I said "we'll see". H's guard goes up: "what do you mean?" I repeated myself in a calm voice. H let it go and left....even went to the extent to tell me that he's playing a double header (it's true, I checked the schedule) and that he's riding with a team mate. And he said 'bye'.
So, to sum it all up....I didn't confront H about OW. I didn't kick H out. I didn't threaten with a D. I don't know if I feel any better. I'm still angry. I still feel betrayed and disrespected. H is living a lie and I can't do a thing about it. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I can try to make it through the next two days, then my sister comes and H goes away on a business trip for a few days. Maybe I can try to deal with things after H comes back and sister leaves again. I don't know.
By the way, thank you all for jumping on my thread to help me keep myself together. I was a difficult afternoon at work. I didn't know how I was going to react and whether I could keep a grip on my emotions. It's with your help that I did, at least for today.
The thing that keeps eating at me is how the LBS seems to be the one who has to "eat it" and not say or do anything... It makes for A LOT of internal frustrations. As hard as it was to keep you mouth shut- something in your head kept telling you that it was the best way to handle the sitch. You would normally want to confront, yell and accuse H... and all that would do is remind him of why he left (cause who would want to come back to a bitter, b!tchy W?) That's the only thing that gets me through those moments: proving to him that I'm not the same person by action completely OPPOSITE of what he expects. (it's really fun to watch his face get confused)
I've been there a lot lately, dealing with my new OW issues. I've been getting great advice on anger release and acting "as if" from 25 on my thread- check it out, there's a lot of things that would apply to you (Too much for me to try and repost here)
Primal screams into a pillow (when everyone is out of the house) has seemed to help me- I even do it in my car if the house is full (my neighbors are starting to wonder, lol!)
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
You did amazing!!! yippee!! I am so happy you didnt lose it.
The end of the conversation: ""H again said that we don't know each other anymore, etc. Before he left, H said "You think you have nobody, but I am the one who has nobody to talk to". I said he did, he has family and friends, but he said that he can't talk to them. I did my best to bite my tongue and mention the OW. I didn't say a word. H said that if we do go our separate ways, that he hopes to do it in the most amicable way and that the least I can do is to let him see S4 (or something like that). I said "we'll see". H's guard goes up: "what do you mean?" I repeated myself in a calm voice.""
He was totally trying to bait you to flip out. BUT YOU DIDNT. That is so awesome.
I dont think they even know they are trying to bait us, but I think they just want to reinforce to themselves why it cant work out so they try to get us angry. Even though in this sitch our angry response is rationale they associate our over the top reactions with instances that are irrationale. Does that make sense??
He doesnt even know he is doing it. Now he can play his double header and he cant bash you to his soccer buddies!
Can you do anything super nice in the morning, like make pancakes or something?? Just continue to show how chill you are and the new you? I am so happy:)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
He was totally trying to bait you to flip out. BUT YOU DIDNT. That is so awesome.
I dont think they even know they are trying to bait us, but I think they just want to reinforce to themselves why it cant work out so they try to get us angry. Even though in this sitch our angry response is rationale they associate our over the top reactions with instances that are irrationale. Does that make sense??
Great job nhmom!!! Totally makes sense BK. Great goal to get through the next 2 days until your sister is here and you can get a few more days to sort your thoughts. This seems like a big 180 for you. Right it down in your solutoin book and keep track.
Just when I thought that the worst of the day was behind me, H comes home from soccer when I was still awake. I quickly turn off the light and pretend I'm sleeping. H comes to the bedroom and changes, then goes off to do some things and then he comes to bed! How on earth am I supposed to sleep when he's laying next to me?
A few minutes of him just laying there he "wakes" me up, and then says "how did we get here? what did I do wrong?", etc. More of 'he gave it all and I gave nothing'. It's so hard to just keep going and saying 'I'm sorry. I don't know. I never meant to hurt you intentionally.' H asked 'why does this not feel natural?'. I'm thinking..umm, because your heart is elsewhere. Maybe 10-15 of R "talk" and he still stays in bed! Needless to say I did not get much sleep last night. I was laying there stiff as a brick, afraid to move so that he wouldn't start R talk again and so that I wouldn't lose it. I could tell that he didn't sleep well either, and that made it that much harder for me to lay still.
It was obvious that friend's talk with H yesterday stirred up some things in his head. I don't know if it's good or bad.
