WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[oldtimer]

You ok?

[workinghardguy]

Thanks OT... yeah, I'm fine... just took a break from the boards for a couple days. Needed some space and have enough heartbreak here to fill a supertanker.

Quiet weekend. W left some time on Friday and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon. She did call though, all three days, to talk to S which I appreciated. S has been much more affectionate and worried about where mom is since we broke the news to the kids.

Not a lot of GAL this weekend. Originally I was going to be out of town all weekend at a search and rescue school. But when the decision was made to tell the kids last weekend I cancelled the school attendance. I didn't want to be gone for three days at the school and then gone this coming week for four days at a school board convention. I didn't think that would be good for my S, so instead S and I hung out most of the weekend together.

It was a good weekend. I can tell my S is processing the divorce stuff slowly. On Friday I noticed that S is back to randomly singing songs; it's one of his trademarks. He hadn't sung a song since last Sunday when we broke the news. Friday night he had some questions. Tonight he had some too, and we read two of "his divorce books" as he calls them. I'll admit it was hard reading "It's Not Your Fault Ko-Ko Bear" with him. At one point in the book the book says "What should Ko-Ko's parents say to Ko-Ko Bear?" It's meant as a discussion point.

When I asked my S that question his reply was, "they should tell him that maybe, someday mommy and daddy bear will get back together." Broke my heart. I said, "but mommy and daddy bear aren't getting back together, so what then should they say". His reply? "They should say it anyway, because even if it's not true it will make Ko-Ko Bear feel better." After that it was bed time and I offered to read a bedtime story to him but he demanded another one of his "divorce books" so we read "Two Houses". At least that one wasn't quite as heartbreaking to read.

So yes... very little contact with W this weekend. She asked me to get SS and SD from XH so she could nap. I told her that wouldn't work as S had a play date scheduled with an old daycare friend and I'd be busy. We did have some time together getting the kids in bed and discussing the week ahead. She still wants to file D paperwork sometime in the next few weeks and is looking at a house this week. Though this is coming off her week of vacation where she accomplished nothing on her list except moving to the basement.

We did have a brief convo tonight where she caught me in the bedroom as I was getting my clothes ready. She recounted this story from the weekend... and I don't get why she shares this stuff, but she does. A guy was there... the guy that she first had a crush on and I think was a catalyst in all this. Over time she has lost feelings for him because he's a mess, an alcoholic, and all other stuff. Anyway, she's up at her weekend and telling a friend about us telling the kids and how the kids seem to be doing ok with it so far. This guy overhears the convo, comes up to her, and tells her that she shouldn't sugarcoat it... she's ruining her kids' lives, especially SS's life, ripping him away from a good guy who gives a damn about him (he grew up with an abusive stepdad), and there's really no good reason for what she's doing except being completely selfish.

Wow... if I didn't still kind of resent the guy I'd like to send him a high-five on Facebook. I simply replied that it's way too early to know how the kids will do with this and left the room. I made a point of being inaccessible the rest of the night.

It feels like she wants me to tell her that this will all be ok... but I won't say that. I will say that we'll do the best we can, that this can work, but I don't feel like I need to assuage her guilt or make it all ok for her.

I did try to rescue my treadmill this weekend. When she moved to the basement the treadmill ended up near her bed. Now with snow outside my exercise options are very limited. Unfortunately treadmills are not something that are easily moved up two flights of stairs. So I moved it to a different part of the basement and we agreed that I could go down there for 30 minutes in the evenings, before she heads down there, to use it. I'm trying to stay out of her space, but I haven't exercised in five days and it's really getting to me.

I got a lot of GAL set up for the next four weeks this past weekend. It's all stuff for me. I'm trying to not focus on her, though it's still damn hard not to "look over my shoulder" as Mach so accurately put it. I see nothing stopping her from moving out and no real change there. At it's probably even now in how often I don't want that to change... I sort of want her gone at times.

Lastly my Packers lost today... they deserved it as they played like crap. And, selfishly, I'm glad... now I don't have either an unbeaten season or a Super Bowl win tied to this year.

[oldtimer]

Sounds like you are doing well. Resist the urge to fix W's discomfort by helping her feel better about the kid stuff.

A better response to her remarks: "wow" or "that's some tough talk" or "uh huh and then what".

Btw it isn't "the" bedroom it is now your bedroom. It needs to be a safe space for you.

[workinghardguy]

Seriously... My w is nuts... That's all I can figure... She worked tonight. I made a point of getting all my downstairs stuff done before she got home so I was upstairs in my bedroom packing for my trip when she got home. I hear her get home. I do nothing except keep packing.

After a little bit I hear her come upstairs and I'm in the closet picking out clothes. Then I hear her call out my name, so I say "in here in the closet". She then stands in the hall and starts talking about just random stuff. At one point she complains that she's getting fat and lifts up her shirt to show me her belly. I keep packing during this. Finally I just say that I have to concentrate and finish packing so I really need to be alone. She apologizes and then keeps talking. Wtf?

I point it there's still dinner from the kids downstairs... That gets her to go away. I then head down because there are some genuine things I need to tell her like our s is sick, our SD is faking sick, and so on. She uses this as a chance to ask me where she should open a checking account... Like I give a damn... I tell her as much, open where you want for goodness sake. Then she hands me her phone and asks for help with a hangman game... I'm just trying to relay S's symptoms. Then she's listening to the kid updates while looking at photos of her friend's new baby and tells me "thank goodness my tubes are tied... These give me baby fever something bad..."

It's like trying to talk to a dragonfly who's flitting around the pond... Drove me nuts! She then starts telling me about this duplex she's looking at... I finally just stop here and tell her that I need to finish the kid update and go to bed. She finally got her February work schedule but honestly I don't think I could handle more with her tonight,

And it wasn't even antagonistic or anything... Just the opposite, it was like we're a happily married couple... But we're not so can we stop acting like one? Geez... I know people will say I shouldn't have engaged her, and I really tried not to. Being upstairs has always worked in the past... She's never come seek me out. Then again, I've never actually had the willpower to not go find her. But tonight it wasn't hard... I didn't really want to, however she came and found me.

[Ctflor]

This reminds me of when my h would write me emails from work during the day saying "I love you" and "hope you're having a good day there", then coming home and having zero to do with me.

Or, hugging me at night before bed, saying "I love you" then clinging all the way over to the other side, not so much as letting a foot brush up against me.

It does not make sense, it does seem nuts, and it is crazy. It's hard to rationalize their behavior when they are in the midst of it.

[Mach1]

I know people will say I shouldn't have engaged her, and I really tried not to.

No...

I do have one question though....

How do you think you did toward validating her ?

How was that interaction different, than any other interaction in the past ?


I don't think you did anything wrong here...just curious

[workinghardguy]

How do you think you did toward validating her ?

I think did alright. It's funny... after posting the above post, right before crawling in bed, I thought to myself that I should've said I'm really just venting here. Venting here so that I didn't vent at my W.

I listened for the stuff that was important... granted that's somewhat judgmental, as far as what's important or not. But I listened. For example during the checking account conversation she stated that she wasn't sure where to open one... what would be most convenient for me? I told her I appreciated the thought, but she needs to do what is best for her. With the duplex convo she talked about her concerns about possibly having her sister rent the downstairs unit while she would lease the top unit. I agreed that it could be challenging, that it would be nice to have that support there, but that she would need to find a balance. I told her that I thought she could do it and has the strength.

When she was talking about her weight I told her she looks good... and reminded her of all the compliments she got earlier that day when she was modeling bridal gowns for her friend's store at the local bridal expo.

I believe I did alright in validating. I really tried to control my annoyance, listen, and stay engaged.

Where I started to cut things off is when she wandered into realms that I just couldn't be engaged in. For example she starts going through this story of the house she was at Friday/Saturday. She was there with some other gal and three guys. The house is owned by a guy who is recently divorced and gets his son part-time. His W and him built this huge house and now it's mostly empty and a typical bachelor pad. How sad it is to have this big house all to himself and only his son part-time.

Are you kidding me? In that case I simply responded something like "he'll be ok... even if his wife left him, he'll pick himself up and be good."

[workinghardguy]

Not much to report today... traveled across the state for a conference today. I'll be across the state for the rest of the week. Had drama today when my mom forgot to pick up the kids and had to scramble to get that fixed.

Before I left today I stopped at home to grab my stuff. My W had already left for work. And I sat down and looked around the house. Saw all the pictures that aren't there any more because she's taken them down. And I just decided to let her go. I know it sounds maybe anti-climatic or perhaps melodramatic... but I sat, cried some, and let her go. I shut off the net nanny software. It never caught much, but I don't want it there any more. I quit. Not that I quit my M, but I'm done holding a torch for her. She will do what she wants, and I'm done worrying, focusing, or caring about it. I am focused on my kids. I don't want to focus on her.

[sayitaintso]

Feeling for you WHG! Wishing you some peace of mind.

BEST!!!

[workinghardguy]

Thanks SIAS... I should clarify that I was just grabbing my luggage for my trip... but I think I'm getting towards that peace of mind. W didn't contact me tonight and it didn't really bug me.

Though... one mistake I made was the restaurant I picked for dinner. I wandered down there and sat down... then it hit me that this was the restaurant W and I went to with S on our last family get away. We snuck away to a Brewers game over Memorial Day weekend and ate there as a family. I ended up sitting a couple feet away from the booth we sat in. That brought up all sorts of emotion. But that's part of this right?

So one odd thing... W sent me an invite tonight via Words for Friends. It's a scrabble-like game you play on your phone. I debated... finally I accepted it, but only because I like to play Scrabble. I have 10 games going right now. It's funny to me though because Scrabble was always "our" game. When we were first dating and first married we played it all the time. But I would usually beat her and I wasn't a very good winner, so she eventually grew tired and stopped playing it with me. We used to play it so much that it became our "code word" for ML. But I don't know what she thinks, so I'm just going to play Scrabble because I like to. That's it.