Ok guys...I didn't tell him. I stayed cool and went along "as if" I didn't know the new information, "as if" I don't feel angry and betrayed. I do agree with all of you that I need to cool my head before I say anything, to make sure that it's not just anger and venom speaking.
H came home while S4 and I were playing Kinect Sports2. S4 and I were having a good time together. H went on to finish cooking dinner, did some dishes and unloaded the dishwasher. One of his good friend's from high school sent a thank you card. H was his best man in his wedding just a few months ago. The card said things like how much friend appreciated the friendship and how good of a guy H is (in my head I'm thinking only if he knew). I said to H how nice of friend to send the card. H agreed and said that it's not like him. I could tell that H's head was elsewhere. I'm thinking that friend's talk to him shook him up a bit. I'm sure H was afraid that friend had said something, but I pretended that I didn't know. We ate dinner in silence, then H went to the bedroom to use his new iPad. I didn't question a thing. One time passing by he even stopped me to share a new issue from work. I listened.
H offered to read books to S4 tonight (he hasn't offered himself in a long time). S4 didn't want him to at first, but I encouraged him. After S4 was in bed, I went onto the living room and started watching TV....patiently trying to get through the remaining half an hour of H in the house. H has soccer tonight and won't be home until after I'm asleep.
The whole evening I kept remembering everyone's words from this afternoon and telling myself to stay calm. H came into the living room asked if I wanted to talk. I played dumb, asked him about what. He said 'what do you think?" I told him that I didn't really want to talk. H said he's trying to make an effort and talk to me and I was again shutting down and pushing him away. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner. Do I tell him the truth about how I feel? I thought all relationships are based on truth? Or do I keep pretending? I knew that in his current state no matter what I said and no matter how true something is, he will not see it for what it is. So I said that I can't really talk right now and had some things to sort out first. I could see H's expression, H kept asking what. I said that I need to sort out my feelings, need to figure out what I want in the future, and whether I want him in my future. I know I should not have said that, but that planted a seed in his mind that I'm considering a future without him. H turned defensive again, started saying all those things again about him doing everything and giving everything for us and getting nothing in return. I said I was sorry for causing him to feel certain things and that was never intentional. H again said that the worst part is what it took for me to open my eyes and "snap out of it". I kept telling myself to stay cool. H again said that we don't know each other anymore, etc. Before he left, H said "You think you have nobody, but I am the one who has nobody to talk to". I said he did, he has family and friends, but he said that he can't talk to them. I did my best to bite my tongue and mention the OW. I didn't say a word. H said that if we do go our separate ways, that he hopes to do it in the most amicable way and that the least I can do is to let him see S4 (or something like that). I said "we'll see". H's guard goes up: "what do you mean?" I repeated myself in a calm voice. H let it go and left....even went to the extent to tell me that he's playing a double header (it's true, I checked the schedule) and that he's riding with a team mate. And he said 'bye'.
So, to sum it all up....I didn't confront H about OW. I didn't kick H out. I didn't threaten with a D. I don't know if I feel any better. I'm still angry. I still feel betrayed and disrespected. H is living a lie and I can't do a thing about it. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I can try to make it through the next two days, then my sister comes and H goes away on a business trip for a few days. Maybe I can try to deal with things after H comes back and sister leaves again. I don't know.
