Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[sandi2]

OM's still in the picture. It seems rather strange that you would make excuses for why she shouldn't just cut it off suddenly (b/c of the close group). Would you say the same if he lived closer, and there were more chances that he could be sleeping with your W?

I'm not trying to get you riled at me, but rather I hope to say something to cause you to understand something. To a woman, an emotional affair is very serious. B/c so much of who she is as a female, is tied to her emotions. Now with men, they seem to face the thought of an EA okay, but if they find out the W has slept with OM, then the H can't get that picture out of his head. He wants to go beat the OG up! So, the differences are amazing.

The problem is that she is getting her emotional needs filled by him instead of me.

Exactly! And her getting her emotional needs met could be compared to having sex (for her)! That's why it's called and emotional A instead of physical.

Dwelling on the OM doesn't really help anything. I wish she would stop it with him, but I think that conversation comes a while after the one where W says she wants things to get better between us.

I think you have tried to get the right thought here, but just haven't quite made it all the way through. You're right that the real problem didn't start with OM. Therefore, dwelling on him doesn't solve the original problem. But do you know what the original problem was? If so, then that will be helpful, and if you don't know....then it only adds to the mess you have now. B/c now, she's closed her heart to you and opened it to another. Even though you can't control how she feels or even what she does, you waiting around for her to decide she wants things to get better between the two of you......will not save your M.

No, I'm not suggesting you have a conversation about the MR or the OM. Neither do you need to try to fix her. DBing is about becoming the best man you can possibly be. It's finding that man you use to be. Maybe he had a lot of faults, but there was something she caused her to fall in love with you.

I agree with you about something you said in a previous post. Something about how you stop beating yourself up for the mistakes and trying to fix them (the past). And, also how it seemed she reached a point that everything you did seem to be wrong in her eyes. I think that's true for many WAW's. It's like her threshold for tolerance is gone and finding any patience or understanding for her H simply goes out the window. It's a heart condition. A closed heart.

I wish I could tell you that sending her copies of sections in the DR book would help her, but sadly, it doesn't. In fact, every time you try to point her in the direction of MC or sending her a book/tape/CD about MR, will only serve as pressure to her. It will make her more resentful and act colder to you. Anyone else might be able to say something at some point that would find its way through the WAW fog, but you won't be that person. It just doesn't work that way.

Every time you have a few good days and then you see her suddenly act cold again, that's your clue to step back. Here's the main thing I see the LBH do that makes it harder to R, and that's when she begins to show some small positive sign (like having a good day) and the H relates in some type of fashion (attitude, facial expression, or whatever) that he's encouraged about the future of the M. Sad, but true! That's why she feels she has to be cold toward you, so you won't go thinking she's coming around.

That's why DBing is for you.....not her. That's why MC doesn't work if there's OM in the picture!! She said R was not in the future! She has to want to reconcile in order for MC to help her. So, stop trying to get her to go with you. That is pressure.

One word about the three-year old. My parents never, ever, hit me. However, I had no problem in figuring out at a young age, why I was born with extra padding on my butt! There is a difference in hitting and in spanking. There is a difference in whipping and in spanking. The problem is when adults don't know the difference.