Light at the end of the tunnel......

[NYCPeter]

The link to my previous thread is here

I've done a lot of soul searching over the weekend - The light at the end of the tunnel I refer to - is a life where I live for myself and my girls, that I don't react to what my W says or does.

YOU have a choice of to whom you listen
YOU have a choice of who you choose to confide in,
YOU have a choice of which truths YOU choose to believe in.....
You are STILL looking toward her to validate your choices....

How are you going to address these things ?????

What does addressing these things look like to you ???

I'm going to keep my mouth shut and only worry about things that I can control, I am going to enjoy my time with my girls and if my W wants to join us she is welcome to - but I am not going to let my W's actions and behavior determine what I do.

HOW ARE YOU PLANNING ON GETTING THERE ??????

By making decisions that will have a positive impact on our lives. I've started to look at the sort of properties I can get post D, I am going to investigate what support I can get for D10 in my time.

Not accepting her choices, and her decisions goes against your very stand right now. You say that you love her, yet you choose to disrespect every want that she has come to you with.

That in no way, shape or form mean to lay down and let her run the steam roller over you ass either.

Stand up and do what is right for you, and what is right for your girls will follow that....

Let your actions start matching your words....

I am going to respect her choices and her decisions - I can control what I can control and that is my future and how I chose to live my future.

and as she is reminded of what a great father you are, I cannot imagine her staying resolute forever.

But then, where will YOU be then? Stay in forward motion and when she revisits things with you, you can assess THEN...

stay strong.

Being a great father is my goal - if as a by-product of that my marraige is saved then great.

Journaling....

Had a pretty good weekend - I spent it with the girls as my W was working Sat & Sun. We went to the mall, went bowling and cooked dinners etc. Really great time. just me and the girls.

W took D7 skiing today - I stayed home with D10 and we played, went to the mall (my daughter loves to be in her walker and it's too cold to be outside this time of year) and watched TV. I had dinner ready when they came back from skiing - only comment from W - "it needs more salt" - erm ok, add some!

W told me yesterday that she's asking L to send me letter this week outlining what she wants out of D financially, alimony is quite a bit more than I was expecting to pay. I told her when I receive the details I will send them to my L for review and he'll advise me of the next steps.

Re: moving out of the house or the bedroom - My W has not explicitly stated to me that she wants either of these things, though obviously a pending D indicates that she does want both. I will not move out of the house, this takes my time away from the girls and for financial reasons makes no sense.

Moving out of the bedroom - is not something I want but I will approach my W and ask her if she feels more comfortable if we were to sleep in seperate bedrooms.

Peace everyone.

[~ kd ~]

Peter, regarding moving out of the bedroom...

It's funny, because people talk about move out, don't move out, this and that... and then later on the topic of "no fault" comes up and things aren't taken into account... I think someone's making stuff up... but...

Anyhow, who would move out of the house? You? Your W? Or both, because the house would be sold?

If you would be keeping and staying in the house, then stay in the bedroom. If you will be leaving the house, then leave the bedroom. NOT because of your W... but because of you... to get used to the idea that you "live somewhere else" now...

Just a thought... always your choice.

[NYCPeter]

If you would be keeping and staying in the house, then stay in the bedroom. If you will be leaving the house, then leave the bedroom. NOT because of your W... but because of you... to get used to the idea that you "live somewhere else" now...

Both - we would need to sell the house - my W does not earn enough money, and after CS and alimony payments neither will I.

[Rick1963]

Peter move back to the UK and let her fend for herself. My mom called me Sunday and asked me to go live with her in Argentina. I would not have to work. Or worry about money. It is an option but more of a fantasy to get you through a bad time. Hope I am making sense. I have that option that is all it it is. Hang in there

[NYCPeter]

Rick - believe me it's a fantasy I've entertained, if only I could take my girls with me!

On a serious note - there are times I feel alone, I think it's the distance from close family, my friends are great but family is different.

I'm thinking of taking a trip in March to visit my sister in California. I have air miles and I think it would do me good to get away for a few days.

[Mach1]

I've done a lot of soul searching over the weekend - The light at the end of the tunnel I refer to - is a life where I live for myself and my girls, that I don't react to what my W says or does.

What does that look like ?

How will you know when you are there ?

I'm going to keep my mouth shut and only worry about things that I can control, I am going to enjoy my time with my girls and if my W wants to join us she is welcome to - but I am not going to let my W's actions and behavior determine what I do.

Fixed that for you...

By making decisions that will have a positive impact on our lives. I've started to look at the sort of properties I can get post D, I am going to investigate what support I can get for D10 in my time.

Pretty vague still..

I would like for you to lay out some steps you are taking to get there...

Goals-so to speak-so that you can monitor and track your progress.

I am going to respect her choices and her decisions - I can control what I can control and that is my future and how I chose to live my future.

What does that look like ????

Being a great father is my goal - if as a by-product of that my marraige is saved then great.

That starts with you buddy. I can see it happening, and it's not like you suk right now either....

It just appears that you are unsure if you are capable of that, and still look towards your spouse to validate that in you...

You don't need her permission to be a great Dad to them.

You don't need to be great either.

That is the common misnomer in this...that we have to do all of these extra things to justify being this "great Dad".

My Daughter(14) and I, have been through some though things together. I have felt the wrath of her anger towards me. She found notes that my Ex had written , and because her Mother had written them, she assumed them true. It took TIME for her to see the truth for herself, and to trust my actions toward her. What she found was that the things that she had read, started to not match up with what she saw for herself.

I wasn't the Disney parent, I didn't do ALL of the fun stuff, just so there was a distraction in her life. I was stable, and was there for her consistently. I held her accountable , she had chores and discipline in our home.

That was the difference....I was the parent, instead of the friend.

The tough times....are what makes the good times, that much better...

Don't skip the pain, it is so worth it....

Moving out of the bedroom - is not something I want but I will approach my W and ask her if she feels more comfortable if we were to sleep in seperate bedrooms.

Fixed this for you too....

[2thepoint]

"I'm thinking of taking a trip in March to visit my sister in California. I have air miles and I think it would do me good to get away for a few days."

Do it, Peter!!

[sayitaintso]

I agree w/ ^^^. You want to get away a few days for you which is great, make it happen.

[NYCPeter]

What does that look like ?

How will you know when you are there ?

It looks like a situation where I make decisions based on what I think is best for me ande my children without worrying about what my W thinks or whether it pleases her.
For example - I want to take the girls somewhere and there is nothing else already planned - I do it. I want to purchase something on my dime - I do it. I want to go somewhere and the girls are not impacted - I do it. My W's actions are her actions, I pay no heed to them provided they do not directly impact me or the girls.
How will I know?? When I truly feel that way - when her actions no longer concern me. When I make the decisions without asking for validation or opinion from my W.

Fixed that for you...

That made me laugh... Twice

I would like for you to lay out some steps you are taking to get there...

1. Put together a post D budget, figure out what I can afford and what will need to be pared back.
2. Look at properties in my town (or likely nearby towns) that will fit my post D budget to narrow down the likely living scenario.
3. List all the service providers for D10 - Contact them and see what services they offer for single fathers with no family locally.
4. Find new hobbies, my hobbies are very much summer activities - I need to find things to do in the winter.
5. Quit smoking - I've cut back, but need to quit completely.
6. Cook a new recipe once a fortnight - I love to cook, but tend to stick to things I know I can do.

Originally Posted By: NYCPeter

I am going to respect her choices and her decisions - I can control what I can control and that is my future and how I chose to live my future.


What does that look like ????

I'm not sure what it looks like - but it would be a weight off my shoulders, if her actions are no longer a concern to me I can focus on me and my actions.

On the GAL front....

Meeting a couple of friends for beers and a burger tonight before heading home.

Have booked my flights to San Diego (I checked the family online calendar - and there are no other conflicts) - will let my W know tonight.

Re: moving out of the master bedroom - I don't want this to sound like an excuse. My D10 wakes up in the middle of the night, one of us usually brings her upstairs from the girls bedroom to the spare room (directly across from our bedroom) and lies with her until she falls asleep.

I need to discuss with my W how we are going to handle this if I move to the spare room as
1. We don't want D7 to wake up if we leave her in the girls room.
2. We don't want her to get used to sleeping alongside someone - it's a hard habit to break.

I'm sure we can come up with a solution (matress in master bedroom or something along those lines).

[antlers]

In the words of gabbysmom23..."sometimes you just gotta say fuk it".