Confused and alone

[Accuray]

nhmom,

I was also on the bad side of an EA. I can tell you that for the first 24 hours after I found out, I was a wreck, and would have said and done things I would have regretted. Fortunately my W was out of state on a business trip and out of touch, and that saved me to a large degree because I had to sit and stew.

When you find out, you go into shock and you panic, and that is not where you want to be. If ever there was a time to invoke Purgatory's 24 hour rule, this is it.

To some degree you've been playing poker with H, he's been holding his cards close, you've been showing yours. Time to stop that. Don't act, don't discuss *yet*. As the evidence mounts, you *will* want to confront him, you'll be desperate to confront him, because you will believe that you will get sorrow, regret, and an apology. I can save you the suspense and tell you that only happens in the movies. What you'll get in reality is anger and recrimination, and that will make you feel even worse. I can virtually guarantee it. Remember I predicted EA based on his "script" he was feeding you. I can also predict a lack of remorse. You will want the remorse, it will not be forthcoming.

Right now you're angry and you have every right to be. You do not want to allow your H to "cake eat" as it's called, which is to have an affair of any kind while continuing to be in a relationship with you at the same time. No one wants that.

Here's a question for you -- what do you want longer term? Think 3 moves ahead. Pretend that H's affair is over, what will you want then? Will you want H back, or will you want to move on? Will you be able to forgive, or is your trust permanently destroyed?

You have many decisions to make, but you don't have to rush to make them. You can boot H out of the house. That *may* make him smell the coffee, give up OW, and come back to you. It may also drive him farther away and he'll never come back. It may make him want to come back home, but not give up OW, and just take that deeper underground, covering it with more lies. You *may* be able to make H feel deprivation by pushing him out, but you may also make him feel freedom, and it may reinforce his decision to distance himself from you, so it's not without risk.

I *highly* recommend you work with a DB coach on this site. I worked with Cheryl and she was great. It costs money, but I viewed it like a medical emergency, if I broke my arm, I wouldn't try to set it myself to save money, I'd go see a doctor. I have broken my arm in the past, and when I found out about my W's EA, I felt much worse than any bone break, and the DB coach helped me feel much better and much more in control, so it may be the best money I ever spent. I think if you look up DB on Facebook there is a coupon for a discount.

You may want to review Adinva's sitch, she's also dealing with a husband who has withdrawn. When I asked her about OW, she said it didn't matter, because there is nothing she could do about it if there was an OW. She really did seem to have a very positive way of framing it, that has helped to inform her path forward. She's been in her sitch for quite a while and has certainly done more self-actualization than I have.

For now, don't confront H and don't boot him out. Continue working on you and thinking about how you can be the best nhmom you can be. Find other ways to vent. Do use the time to think and plan. A confrontation may be in your future, but do it on your terms when you have thought through what comes next, what your reaction will be if you get anger, and what requests or demands you will make of H. If he denies or doesn't agree with those requests or demands, what will you do or say? Script it all out, think it all through, and be sure it's the path you want before you take the first step down it.

I referenced it before, Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" was written specifically for cake eating situations. Although it's dated, has a chapter that is extremely homophobic, and some advice may not directly line up with DB, a lot of it directly supports DB and gives you very good ways to look at what's happening and think about what your next move should be. There is lots of good in there and it's available on Kindle.

Accuray