Did you get a new job? A new place? Do you like it? Does the job pay better?
Remember how we asked you, repeatedly, not to make this about your w or OM?
You keep doing that. You pay lip service to your GAL and it centers on church which apparently vindicates you enough that you don't bravely look inward to see your role in this--
honestly I can't recall you conceding a single character flaw or trait in YOU that needs changing...that scares me.
I don't have a lot of hope that your sitch will change b/c you are mired in your victimhood....and you think this is all about being right, but it's about being happy.
Never mind your w or OM. Never mind what you say the kids say about him, b/c I bet she has a different answer....and certainly a different viewpoint.
Ever try to understand HERS? We help the person here to focus on the person here--ie you.
But you refuse to answer the real questions about what got you here,
and what you need to work on.
You still keep the focus on the latest doings of theirs-
You are furious that she now lets OM live in the MIL's house, although he's been in her life for awhile now and you did the same thing...
I fail to see the moral difference although it's true you are not legally divorced yet-
but that costs money, and only you have a free lawyer...
So now that she can't spend all your money, are you wealthy now?
Other than going to church, what are you doing about YOUR own personal work? What are your 180s?
What are your GAL that involve meeting other adults?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, everything you are asking, I had answered on a post just for you. You never responded. Please look at my posts and you will see it.
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
25, everything you are asking, I had answered on a post just for you. You never responded. Please look at my posts and you will see it.
Are you referrring to your post in August?
Those were very generalized, mostly centering about generic traits, and I've asked several times SINCE what your specific 180s are and all I get is your church stuff which is NOT a 180, or things you do like work out...
but how do you relate to your w now? Specifically how are you different with her?
What NEW activities (not Church related) are you engaging in?
Did you get a place to live? A new or better job?
You spent all of your lengthy post of 8-25 on MLC symptoms and I assume you were implying they apply to your wife--
But to me, so much of it sounded like you. Here are some things YOU wrote 5 months ago...compare them to how you sound now
and see if there's huge movement on Your end...
8-22 Oh and about the anger thing again, 20 years have I supported, sacrificed and given her EVERYTHING to at the end, just kick me out of her home to do what every the heck she wanted. Do you really expect me not to be angry? Give me some credit for still being there for her in EVERY way she needs me despite of the hell im going through but, I cant just let her walk all over me.
You see, in our marriage, she ALWAYS controlled the freinds I had, what was done in the house, the way we ate, the church we went to, the way we dressed, EVERYTHING. And I just went along with it. I did and still love her and did what every she asked. She always thought that marriage had NO room for freinds,clubbing and outings without your spouse. NOW she gets a boob job, tummy tuck and hair extensions and now she wants to change the whole story around. And IM supposed to accept this like its nothing? And NOT be angry?
LATER you said
About my 180's? All I can say about that is that I've learned lots of patience! In the past,i had a short fuse. I think most latin men do. I have taken control of my own bills. And, I've learned to budget. Her main complaints were we fight to much and I want handy in the house. To be honest, it got real bad after plastic surgery. That's when she changed.
The rest of the post^^^ mostly focussed on HER...
5 months later-
You are still as angry sounding and you still tell us all about what SHE/THEY are doing and it's always always bad.
She has done nothing kind or peaceful since?
I still get the feeling you believe None or not much of it was your fault and nothing on your end needs changing "Except" you have learned patience. Really? I don't sense that from you. A lot of small things she does or says bother you a lot. You must DETACH or keep spiralling.
You sound and defend your anger HERE...so I don't see it dissipating at all.
I get the need to vent. I DO...but that's all I see from you.
NO ACTIONS on your end --but for the gift of money for a L and a L visit...but that fell in your lap.
In other words, I am asking for...INSIGHTS from you about Your role in the demise of the marriage.
If you never find ANY then you won't change ANY of those behaviors...
And no, I'm not interested in hearing that you USED to be impatient "BUT you're Latin" so that's how it is... I think when you say "impatient" you mean
you have a temper. Is that a fair statement?
bottom line--
We help the person posting here and that's YOU b/c you are all you control.
I stand by my post.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know you are hurting and you think I'm busting your chops.
I just want your journey to be more inward and NOT at all about her or OM.
Here's a post on DETACHMENT that might help you b/c it's mandatory you detach or you'll never get out of spinning your wheels...
II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we do things that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know you are hurting and you think I'm busting your chops.
I just want your journey to be more inward and NOT at all about her or OM.
25, Im a very humble person. I appreciate any and ALL advice given to me. I come here not only to vent but to receive advice.
One thing that you and Mach keep telling me (and its VERY true), is that Im ANGRY! Yes, Im VERY ANGRY. And I dont like feeling that way. Now, here's the humble side of me talking... I know its all MY fault. Im letting her do this. However, im stuck between a rock and a hard place. And one piece of advice that Ive been needing and that I have NOT asked her is how to deal with W using my kids to get her way.
Example... Thursday nights is pizza night. I go to a local restaurant that the owner knows me well. He gives me a 25% discount off my ticket. Last Thursday, my S13 was not feeling well so I took D9 and S4 to eat pizza. While we were eating, W texts me and ask me to get S13 pizza from Papa Johns and that he wanted 2 large pies. In other words, buy him, OM and his freinds pizza. I replied to her and said no. If wants pizza, I will get it for him from the current restaurant we were eating at. OM gets her phone and texts me saying "Dont worry buddy, I'll buy your son his pizza"
That is just a small example of what I deal almost on a daily basis.
Yesterday, I texted W and asked her to please have the kids ready for church rehearsals. She told me that D9 and S4 were going and that S13 was at a Hoop it up tournament.
When I asked her with who is he with, she didnt reply. I called S13 and he told me he was with OM in his car ALONE!!!!
WTF!!! We had an agreement that we would NOT leave any of the kids unattended with any other person!
Our S13 is a special needs boy. He is autistic and has lesions in his brain from complications in early development. There is a risk that he might start having seizures!
If God forbid something were to happen under this mans supervision, what would happen?!?
OM is 26 years old and doesnt know the first thing about handeling a situation like this!
When I told W that she was nuts and why did she allow this, she told me not to come to the house or she will put a restraining order on me. I made NO threats what so ever!
25, lord knows Im trying. I go to counseling 3x a month and I have a strong support group at church. Considering that shes done all of this and I have not OVER reacted, I would say that a good portion of the battle has been won.
I know I shouldnt, but every day I keep asking myself how did such a good woman and mother make such a complete 180??? What the heck does she see in OM? What does OM want with a woman 11 years older, 3 kids and her mother???
It looks like I signed up for the complete package huh?
Yesterday, I feel like I hit my rock bottom. Ive been brain storming all day to see how Im going to handle this.
Ive been very foolish in waiting and hoping that she would come to her senses. Not for me, but now, for her kids. Again, that is my fault for having these rediculous expectations.
I dont want to sound like Rodney Dangerfield, but Im really getting no respect at all!
I have allot of blessings and I have all the tools to help me recover from this mess and Im simply NOT USING THEM!
25, I take all the advice that you and Mach give me VERY seriously. Having the advice is one thing, but putting them into effect is a totally different story. Im my own worst enemy when it comes to that. Ive been doing the same things for a year and Ive been expecting different outcomes.
Im going back to the drawing board and to the medicine cabinet for a Tylenol!
I thank the both of you very much!
Let see what I come up with...
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
I understand how frustrating the behavior of your w and her OM is. I get it.
But do you see that you just repeated your cycle all over again? You admit you are too angry and then you spew angrily about her all over again and it's Not helping you.
I read my journals from 2005 recently and found myself getting angry at my h all over again. Its like reliving the trauma.
You KEEP doing it. Stop it. Move forward.
Work on YOU and ONLY YOU b/c you are the only person you can control
I sure wish you could wrap your brain around that^^.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
