Together since we were 15...Part 2

[MrBond]

Did I miss something? Did you actually get D'd?

[Jenna333]

Next month would have marked 9 years for us, but we were never married. We got together when we were young teens and had kids young. We decided we didn't need to rush into marriage just because we had kids together. I really started wanting to get married a couple of years ago, and he wanted to wait until he graduated from college and we had our own house. It was a sore spot in our relationship for me. Even now he says he wanted to marry me up until he started wanting out maybe around 6 months ago.

So, yes, this is basically like a divorce, without the paperwork He jumped straight from being with me to divorce, no trial separation.

[MrBond]

"So, yes, this is basically like a divorce, without the paperwork"

Wrong. You aren't divorced.

Just because he's acting like an @$$ and saying that he wants a divorce, doesn't make you divorced.

If you want to start saving your M, you have to stop with the negative speak. It makes you seem weak and that you have no power over the situation. You do.

But if you keep calling him your 'ex' and how you are D'd, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I mean if you really want to think like that, why don't you go ahead and file?

[Jenna333]

He says it's basically like a divorce. I'm sure he'd have filed by now if we were married.

I'm not sure what else to do. I'm letting him go, 'detaching', so that I may live my life without constantly focusing on him and wanting him to come home. What if he never does? He's made it very clear that he does not want to be with me and he wants to see what else is out there. Sure, he comes over here and cries and says it's bittersweet that I'm changing now and he wishes I would have while we were together, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with me. He's sad/down right now because his life isn't looking up like mine is.

I worry that if I continue to hold onto the hope that we'll get back together, I won't move on and be happy again. That thought terrifies me. I would love for him to wake up and realize what he's throwing away, but it doesn't seem like he will anytime soon. He wants us to live our lives apart. He says we may end up back together someday, but we may not.

I'm pretty sure it was you who said the best way to get him back in my situation is to completely ignore him and live my life. That's what I'm trying to do.

[MrBond]

"He says it's basically like a divorce."

So do you always do what your H tells you? You have a voice in this too. If you don't want a D, then you don't want a D. Simple as that. It doesn't matter what he says it is. It matters what YOU say it is to yourself.

"
He says it's basically like a divorce. I'm sure he'd have filed by now if we were married.

I'm not sure what else to do. I'm letting him go, 'detaching', so that I may live my life without constantly focusing on him and wanting him to come home. What if he never does? He's made it very clear that he does not want to be with me and he wants to see what else is out there. Sure, he comes over here and cries and says it's bittersweet that I'm changing now and he wishes I would have while we were together, but that doesn't mean he wants to be with me. He's sad/down right now because his life isn't looking up like mine is.

"I worry that if I continue to hold onto the hope that we'll get back together, I won't move on and be happy again."

Let go of the fear. It's okay to have hope. Just don't cling onto it for dear life. Hope gives you the strength to live your life whether it's with or without your H.

Just let go and live. Keep building yourself up. You still mention your H's actions alot in your posts. How about just focusing on you for a change.

[Jenna333]

I'm trying not to analyze his actions anymore. It's very hard. I no longer take anything he says or does to mean that he wants to come home, but I guess his actions still give me hope that he hasn't let me go yet. He'd readily admit that he hasn't if I asked him, I know that. He says he's still in love with me, but that we weren't right for each other.

Also, I think in the back of my mind I've been hoping that if he sees me moving on that it'll snap him out of it. I was a WAS 5 years ago and after 4 months of separation, signs of him moving on were what snapped me out of it and I came home.

[MrBond]

So don't talk about him and what he's doing. Keep the concentration on you.

[Jenna333]

I don't talk to him about him. He just talks about himself, asks about me, etc, when he's around me. I've been doing pretty well with keeping the conversation limited to official business for the most part. He has a hard time with it. He gets emotional whenever he's around me. Some days he's angry, but most days he's choked up and teary eyed the whole time he's around me. I've stopped myself from letting that get my hopes up.

[Jenna333]

He just called. I wasn't expecting that. He sounded chipper, which is odd for him as of lately. When I said hello he say hey there. The first thing he said to me, after asking how I was, was to tell me that he had a dream about me last night. He joked that it was a sex dream, but then said we ran into each other sometime in the future and were sharing our successes with each other. He was really friendly and happy on the phone.

Why does my mind automatically go to, 'he must have met someone'? Cruel.

[Jenna333]

Oh, and he told me he'll be calling about child support mediation today.