Being thankful and praying

[angel61]

I/we have come a long way. I only have to think of last year, how much pain and hurt it was at this point, and I am thankful that I am here now.

Its true though, my H was never to me how he is with OW. I am looking at our pictures from before the bomb, and I am thinking that although we were quite happy then, I don't really recall us being romantic with each other. That was what caused a lot of friction in our M, actually, was that I demanded that he be affectionate to me physically, and it seemed like he just could not be so. And yet I can't say either that my H did not love me. He was one of the most caring husbands, my friends always told me how spoiled I am. I told myself at that time that he was not just the romantic type, and accepted it. He is also such a good father. As we piece, those aspects of him are coming back. Sometimes I do think he makes himself do stuff for me because he wants to restore the M, not because he is feeling it, but just knowing that he wants the restoration to continue is enough for me most of the time.

Somehow though, because I know now he has the capacity to be that way (romantic) with a woman, I cannot help but wish that some day he will be that way to me too. I feel that he still, for some reason, is denying his true feelings for me. Or maybe I still am doing things that are somehow pushing him away, preventing him from fully loving me.

Today, I brought up OW again. Darn, I couldn't help myself. I asked him if their company has rehired OW, and he said no, as they still don't need extra help for now. WE talked a little about them having any communication, he denies it, but honestly I do think they email, I then shared with him what OW's ex-boss said when I met him, letting him know that I never asked about OW but that he volunteered the info that OW was more interested in flying than in her post doc fellowship. H told me that OW wasn't really an academic person. Thats the first time I heard him say something negative about OW. Hey, I started to wonder if he is starting to face reality!

He got pissy though that I brought up OW. I told him that ultimately, I wanted us to be able to talk about this time in our lives without feeling the hurt or anger, and be able to look at it more as a life lesson. He said he still is trying to forget, and that it rocks his boat to talk about it. As you said, Cyrena, it does take time. I do wish though he was more of a cold turkey type of person, obviously, his selfish nature makes him more self protective.

This time is geting to be a more quiet, slow phase for me. It is a time for me to think about what do I really want/need in this M, and work for it. However, if he never becomes the husband that I need him to be, (romantic? physically affectionate? Verbally reassuring? ) and yet I know that he is a good person and takes care of our family, shows me love by taking care of me, will I be able to accept that? Will I really be able to love him unconditionally for the rest of our lives?

Oh well, I am rambling a bit here.... maybe I should just go and eat lunch now!