Too Little, Too late 3

[25yearsmlc]

25- HELPS BIG TIME!!

Your example of how you 'survived' 4 days, is a comfort and gives me some ideas to start trying now. I especially like how you chose to 'spin' the negatives into positives. *It's always bothered me how I come home after running errands or something- and the house is a disaster (even though it wasn't when I left) I used to say: "This house didn't look like this when I left, why does it now?" (really b!tchy, huh?!) so I just don't say anything anymore... Maybe I could 'spin' it like this in my head: My H was so busy playing and being a great dad, that cleaning up doesn't matter. And actually never say anything about it? Is that what you were talking about- look at things through "love colored glasses", instead of our normal irritated reactions?

Yes and no. Yes to the positive spin love colored glasses (playing seemed more important to me anyhow) but "no" to the silence about the mess -

b/c instead, recall the rule about "applauding loudly for the 1% positives"...so you insert, and THANK Him for playing with the kids...

(um-yes I told you it can be hard)

EXAMPLE-

H had left to join his heroes on the "Last Frontier", but he had always paid ALL our bills for 20+ years, ahead of time,

(NOTE: in truth he didn't seem happy while doing it. Selfishly, I ignored that or gave it no thought).

So a few weeks after he left, I found the power guy here to turn our electricity off for non payment. Oh gee, too bad h forgot to tell me h wasnt' paying the bills anymore...AND so out of character for H --

which screamed "MLC" which = "so selfish and doesn't even think of us at all, and blah blah blah -he's an evil monster!'

So I wrote a huge check to the power guy, and then paged h so I could blast him -

BUT I had a DB session scheduled for then, which was right before he called back, thank GOD...

So when he called, I mentioned the electricity almost getting cut off (and the wildfires getting closer to us-and NO h did not come down to help but suggested instead, that we "Come up" there...sure, that's a sane idea....)

SO the first thing he said when I told him the power fill didn't get paid was, "Hope it doesn't hurt MY credit..." which was amazing in it's pure self centeredness.

I chose to see that as a joke b/c: 1) maybe it was?? and 2) acting like he was joking made the same point as bitching would have, but was less confrontational or adversarial.

Anyhow, I told him it was a "surprise" that he had not paid it and he interrupted me to blurt out in an angry loud tone--

"Now YOU see what it's like to have to pay the bills all these years like I've been doing for 23 years!!!"

Only Because I'd had a great DB session minutes before,

I was able to say

"And I want to THANK YOU for that h, b/c now I know how stressful it can be."

I could not SEE his jaw drop, but I know a long silent time followed...at least 10 seconds - but maybe 30? Then he said "you're welcome" in a soft shocked voice.

He was so expecting me to rant and rave, which I would have done in my Pre-DB self, that he was taken aback.

As small an interchange as that was, for ME it was a new way of seeing him AND a new way of interacting with him, that a light bulb went off in my head,

and for HIM i know it was a shock...and a new way of hearing me.


H has mentioned that he will want to spend some time with just me and the kids before he leaves... that's 4 more months away, so we'll see if he still feels that way.

This^^^ is GOOD news!!! But what's with the "wait to see" test? YOU can plan something fun. Talk about a 180.

Can you do a one day thing first, like an amusement park or picnic or fishing, then an overnight and then a weekend?

This way you can Do the "Mother Teresa Does Not Anger NOW" exercises and build up your saintly endurance.

Each positive memory you create, is a gift for your children & you, and another page in the marriage book of THIS NEW chapter....

It'll be these final memories that will be freshest in your h's mind when he deploys...Not a bad strategy.



========
Today:
Really proud of myself, but I feel icky. H sent me an email about a few scheduling things this week, but he also included: 'Hope last night was better with [S18mth] and GOOD LUCK on your interview today!'
I only responded to the scheduling questions, and didn't fill in any details about my night or the job. (this is not what I would normally do)


I don't get why you don't see this^^^ as JUST a positive sign of interest on his part and then leave it alone. No more examining for a way to spin it negatively.

Please understand the intrinsic value of assuming the best about our spouse's and their intentions.

Until if and when they prove otherwise, it only helps your m, and your peace of mind, AND it gives them something to live UP to rather than fulfilling negative expectations. There's no downside to thinking well of him at this point, given the givens.


H never sent another email. That makes me feel icky,

why? b/c he didn't follow up on the questions you chose to ignore?

Maybe he figured you did not want to talk about them, b/c maybe it did not go well. That's how I would have taken your silence.

Don't set him up for failure or test him...esp if you're seeing him negatively. I think you'll be much happier once you have Worked on this.


but I realize that if I had given a story or asked any questions, that would have been pursuing because I would have been trying to keep up the communications. It's driving me nuts not to just send him a 'how's your day going' text... but I need to detach for my own sanity.

did you read those posts on detachment? (I did send them to YOU, right? Geez, I am posting here so much recently that I can't keep my threads straight)...



Others have said that when they detached, their WAS started to pull back on them.... I'm highly skeptical that H will do this. But I'm counting this as day one on my *uber* detaching efforts.

Detachment is first and foremost for YOU...here's a relevant piece to remember

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do things that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

by detaching, the first positive result is that YOU DO NOT take all that is said, unsaid, etc personally and

YOU do NOT GET WOUNDED b/c you don't attach your self esteem to what he does thinks or plans OR what you fear he is doing planning or thinking....you DETACH.
To me the one sentence, that reduces it, but helps ME to prepare me for detachment is:

"Be your best, do your best, and leave the results up to God."

So you first detach for self protection.

That gives you the space to think more clearly (I really hope you go to EE before he goes...I think there's one in April??-but nonetheless it'll help you at any stage of this process. I just figure the sooner the better)

when you think more clearly b/c you are not so attached to the immediate outcome-

then you act and behave more rationally and clearly. That's a 180 for you too.

((( )))