Our story

[kolja]

Today I had another visit with my local counselor. I had to return her signed copy of DR which she had graciously loaned me, aside from the fact that the visits ARE in fact helpful to me.

She gave me a suggestion of how to reply next time my wife tries to bait me with comments like "you caused all this!" but I'm not entirely sure how well it meshes with DB techniques - she suggested next time I receive a comment like that, to counter with "I never wanted any of this, I'm sorry for the things I've done and haven't done that go us here. I've learned a lot about myself, and I still want to do what it takes to make this work." It seems like it MIGHT be rather 'pursuing' at this point, and I don't know what kind of reception it would get given what my wife's headspace seems to be right now. I may file it away for a more opportune time.

My counselor DID help lead me to a realization from the things I've been learning about myself. After last week's discussion/argument about spousal maintenance, 25 and bustorama pointed out where I had been corrective and controlling. Taking that on board and looking at myself, I realized I was using the same interaction habits I used at work. Today my counselor stepped me towards a deeper epiphany with regards to that. Why did I not draw a line between how I interacted with people I work with and my wife and her friends and family?

I'VE NEVER HAD TO. Between marriages, I was pretty much on my own. Dating never got to the point of cohabitation. The few short periods of time I had roommates, they were from the same profession. Aside from a couple life long friends that I only see when i get to visit home, the people I socialize with are from the same profession. And of course when we're deployed we're with each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 or more months at a shot. Writing it out now, even I sit back and say "well, duh, stupid" and I'm sure many who will read this are thinking the same thing.

I found out that the other book that I thought my counselor had loaned me, "The Love Dare," she had actually given to me to keep. Today she gave me another one to keep (because you're supposed to write in it). It started with her asking how I was taking care of myself emotionally, and one of the things I do (and the first one I told her about) was making a CONSCIOUS decision to be happy about things, even things that not long ago I would have considered inane and not paid much attention to. Letting negativity from work (or traffic, or any number of other things) get to me and fester was one of the things my wife had, in the past, said specifically bothered her. So, not only is this a coping mechanism, it's also kind of a 180. Like this morning, I consciously decided to be happy about my swim. In the past, the morning workout was just a block to tick off, an item on the mental to do list to cross off. But I decided to embrace the sense of accomplishment and CONSCIOUSLY enjoy it. Same with the view of the islands and mountains walking into work.

So after explaining this, my counselor handed me a 'simple abundance gratitude' journal - the idea being that every day you list 5 things, no matter how simple, that you were grateful for that day. Just list them, no essay (like I'm apparently writing here). In the preface it says that if you do that every day for even just a couple months, you can't HELP but have a better outlook.

[kolja]

UPDATE- Today we had some contact, again about money (the check from the rental property in Nevada is a little slow in getting here this month. I used the suggestion Chuck gave me, draw her out on where her support demand came from. She said it was based on the fact she hadn't worked in a year, would be starting from zero and initially not paid very much. To make sure I understood it, I relayed it back "so it's based pretty much on what you think you'll need?" and she said "yeah I guess." So I said I understood and would think about what she told me and get back to her. It was by and large much less confrontational than the one last week.

So, that's a small positive, and Michele says not to ignore those.

On the other hand, she says she wants to get it done the sooner the better because she possibly has a job, but it's out of state. She didn't say what or where, and I knew better than to press - I just wished her luck with it. When she said it would be tough starting out on her own and not earning anywhere near what she was making and living on her own. I said I knew it would be hard for her and I was sorry for that (I was TRYING to go for being supportive AND acknowleging my role in the breakdown of the marriage but now that I think about it, just saying "...and I'm sorry for that" may have been too vague to convey what I was trying to).

It took a bit of wind out of my sails, hearing about the out-of-state job. But I took a few deep breaths, reminded myself it's out of my control, had nothing to do with improving ME, and doesn't NECESARRILY preclude a rapproachment down the road.

[kolja]

With the benefit of a few more hours to look back on it, I think I handled this one better than last week. At the end, when I said I would think about what she had told me about why she wanted as much as she did, she sounded exasperated that I didn't basically give her the go ahead to file with the understanding that we've agreed on the settlement, but there was no hostility. Nothing like "you caused this!" and "you [expletive] disgust me."

In itself that seems like a bit of progress.

Of course, it's probably not going to go as well when I tell her I can't do the amount she's asking for (considering the tenants in Nevada move out at the end of march and who knows how long it will take to find renters after that, I have a fairly legitimate point there I guess - but I think it's going to go over poorly). She really seems to want us to agree before filing. I guess that's where I say it might be best to have other parties negotiate something as fair as it can be to both of us, and remove us from the process...

I still feel PHYSICALLY a little strange after the potential out of state job news. I'll be spending the rest of the evening with the proverbial mental stop sign, working that one out of my head. It's probably the hardest thing to detach from since she announced her intention in the first place.

[kolja]

Despite having felt physically odd, I was able to sleep just fine. The exercise in gratitude journaling was helpful (including being grateful for a discussion that, even if it was about money and setlement, didn't degenerate to an argument), and I was eager to start "5 Love Languages."

I had a couple friends in 'non-DB-land' who immediately upon hearing about the conversation called BS on the out of state job thing. One friend said she was too close to her immediate family here to actually do it; another friend suggested it sounded like bait for me to be pursuing - which maid sense, given that the last couple times she's tried baiting me into a hostile defensive reaction I've let it slide. So now she may be trying something else. It was an interesting perspective, and made me think that stopping the chase was starting to get results.

Of course whether she goes out of state or not is totally out of my control. Maybe she will, maybe she won't - it can't change what I do for me. I reminded myself of that a few times last night and when I woke up it seemed like it had sunk in.

And then I had a pretty sweet workout

[kolja]

Wow - my sister in law just sent a nice note to me out of the blue. She offered to get the two of us in touch with someone who could help if we thought it was still worth a try (of course, one of us DOES...). She said she thought my wife was being selfish, and was lucky to have me.

Now, it doesn't CHANGE much - and could certainly blow up in my face if my wife ever starts feeling like she's being flanked. But the emotional support was very heartening.

[kolja]

From the getting-a-life department, yesterday i made a valiant effort to go ski. But the winter storm was still up in the mountains, and when I passed 6 stuck cars and a stuck bus, and started fishtailing myself on the narrow highway, I decided discretion was the better part of valor and decided to try again another time (today I found out yesterday the mountain got 15" of the fresh stuff).

Instead I went to Costco and stocked up. $215 later and I don't think I'll need to go grocery shopping for a while - which makes me either a super savvy shopper or a complete moron.

Today I'm putting away the Christmas stuff, which is also another phase in "Operation Reclaim the Garage." Ironically enough it's also the first day there's any snow accumulation down here on the island (I remember growing up on the other side of the state that it almost NEVER snowed in the Sound, now it does a few times a winter...).

Tomorrow I'm back in the gym and on the treadmill, and since it's a day off I may see if the roads will let me get up to the mountain.

[2thepoint]

"From the getting-a-life department, yesterday i made a valiant effort to go ski. But the winter storm was still up in the mountains, and when I passed 6 stuck cars and a stuck bus, and started fishtailing myself on the narrow highway, I decided discretion was the better part of valor and decided to try again another time."

Sometimes the trip alone is where the memories are made. A few years ago I took my work team out for a Christmas dinner. We went to this little old country store/barn where they cook steaks and have live music. It's not much to look at, but always a lot of fun. Anyway, there were about 8 of us in our party so I rented a large passenger van and drove the crew 30 miles out into country to this little old isolated steak place. We had more fun driving there and back, singing tipsy Christmas carols and laughing the whole time.

The steak dinner, I don't remember so much, but the ride there and back will never be forgotten.

[kolja]

Skiing has always been somewhere between hobby and passion for me. When I lived in northern Nevada, I made it Tahoe enough 3 seasons in a row that my season pass MORE than paid for itself. If I had friends to go with, great, if not, I'd still go!!

In further GAL news, in putting away Christmas things and making small but visible progress in reclaiming the garage, I was able to get closer to where completed scale models (another hobby of mine - and one that due to moving and three deployments I haven't been able to partake in for a few years) are still packed away. So I'm that much closer to being able to reconnect with another pursuit of mine, just like we're supposed to be doing.

Meanwhile, just in the last half hour or so, my wife surprisingly dropped by unannounced. She was cordial. Not affectionate, but not cold, and certainly not hostile. I was friendly. She had come over to pack up a suitcase of things and take a bunch of hangars - I even offered to help. She didn't need help, so I went back to what I was doing (cleaning the cat box - her cats, that she's left here, actually). I was kind of pleased that the house was in pretty good shape. I'm also pretty happy we were able to have an interaction, however brief, that didn't involve any talk (much less argument) about a settlement; however aside from that, I don't feel too strongly one way or another. Time to make a fire in the fireplace and start dinner!

[kolja]

Yesterday I managed to succeed in my quest to get to the mountian. For me, skiing is one of those things that, while I'm doing it, I can actually BELIEVE that no matter what happens, no matter how things turn out, I'll be OK. Other times that's just something to repeat to remind oneself, intellectually knowing it but still having to convince oneself.

I also managed to hit the weight room beforehand, and hit the treadmill at home (the one the wife had wanted so badly but hardly ever used). So all in all it was a good day.

Today, despite another round of snow, I made it to the pool for a 2,500m swim. The entire base was on a 'late start' (just like school, if you ever had snow days), but then my unit decided just to call it a day - right about the time I had showed up. In the past that might have frustrated me more, after having made the effort to get here through the traffic and craziness. But today I just had to chuckle. I got a couple lower priority things done with the quietness - but now I figure I'll head home and enjoy the afternoon at home. Get some stuff done there too...

[jbnati]

Yesterday I managed to succeed in my quest to get to the mountian. For me, skiing is one of those things that, while I'm doing it, I can actually BELIEVE that no matter what happens, no matter how things turn out, I'll be OK. Other times that's just something to repeat to remind oneself, intellectually knowing it but still having to convince oneself.

kolja, this sounds like a pretty darn good GAL activity with that being said. Great job! If you're able to complement this with some things you do with other people, it's even better.