Had dinner last night with H and his family. H was some whate stressed before dinner because of work and our D was a brat when he picked her from daycare. I can't wait for these terrible 2's to be over with. LOL.
During dinner, I noticed that he was relaxing a little. By the time dinner was over he seemed to enjoyed himself. We went back to his place, let D watch 30 min of TV and then we put her to bed.
After she fell asleep, then I gave him dessert. Which he said blew his mind. And then made the comment why I couldnt have been like that in our marriage. Then he made the comment that I was 2 years too late. Well, I told him it's never too late, only if he wanted it to be. He then looked away from me.
How can I make him understand that I am in a different place than we were married. I working on letting the past go. But he can't seemed to let it go.
Would it be wrong for me to tell him, yes I want to end the old marriage and would like to start a new marriage with him. How can I say this without sounding like I am pursing or putting pressure on him? I am willing to let it all go and start fresh. All I want is a chance to prove this to him. I don't want him to move back with me. All I want is to take things slow, such lets date and go from there.
If so, then you need a 2x4. In my opinion, that's the pursuing defined, and the most opposite from going dark
No offense, but if I was a jerk, I would be envious of your H's position. He has to do minimal work with the D (you are always there to bail him out), he gets to have a girl friend, and when ever he needs a quick, different gal, all he has to do is have you over to the apartment and ML is a sure thing.
As someone else here suggested, your H sounds like he's a teenager. Give him a dose of the real world, go dark, GAL, do 180s. The worst thing that will happen is that you'll be a better person from it. The best thing that could happen is that he grows up and respects you.
I am sorry if that sounds harsh. Just my untrained 2 cents.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
No, I deserve the 2x4. I knew it was wrong, but I went against my gut.
Your right, I am not making him work. Well, I can't make him.
I did not initiate anything last night. It was all him. I was the one that gave in.
When I was leaving last night, I said good night and see you next week. He just had a funny look on his face. I do not plan on seeing him anymore for awhile. That is my goal. When he texts me, I am going to reply with, sorry, I have other plans.
NTX is right...sorry but he really is. Your h already knows the sex with you CAN be great and you need say nothing else about that.
He knows you'd like more but he loses nothing by refusing to commit as it stands and more communications from you only confirms that.
Go dark...very dark.
GAL for your self esteem and to be happy.
And Detach. Here's a post on detachment b/c I think you're having trouble knowing what it is. I know I did.
II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do those things that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another.
We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them. And I continue to be solely responsible for my happiness and will not give that power away to anyone.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know you are probably already beating yourself up so I wont beat you up too. But I will say that throwing yourself sexually at a WAH is like putting a nail in the coffin. You HAVE to go dark now, if only to gain some self control back. Have you read DB? If so, read it again. Then again. You will not win him back by seducing him (in this situation thats not possible, he is not pursuing you), by being at his beck and call, listening to him, or even out hoping he will return out of obligation to his D or commitment to vows..... Never happens. He will ONLY return if he sees an attractive, confident, self assured person who does not need him but who is her own person, has boundaries and who demands respect.
You can do this. Pick yourself up and brush yourself off. In your sitch it might serve you well to get a little angry so you can fight for you and your D and a new life. Go dark, do not talk to him unless you have to and then only by short texts and not responding immediately. If he wants you back, make him earn it. currently, he doesnt deserve you. You deserve better.
Hugs, sweetie. I made that mistake when DBing to try to save my 1st marriage and I know it hurts.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
He has text me a couple of times, but I have kept them real short. I haven't seen him since Monday night. He has our D This weekend and if I hear from him, I am going to just say that I have other plans.
I have so much to do this weekend, I don't have time to babysit.
The other posters are right. You are way worth more than being your H's booty call. You are his W and he must respect that. But you must respect you first. And yes don't beat yourself but learn from this. This is hard but God will get you there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
