Confused and alone

[rickb89]

Purg - I like your 24 hr rule. I am going to do that too. Great advise. Thanks.

[nhmom]

Major developments......

Talked to a friend today (who happens to be H's co-worker) and learned about A LOT!

H is a big fat liar and a cheater! Should I be surprised? Nope. H is in fact in an EA with the co-worker that I suspected. Though our friend thinks it's not a PA, I'm sure he doesn't know everything. If you read back my story, especially the section about the "texting thing", well, it turns out it was a big fat lie - a story that he made up. It was the same person all along. Though our friend knows about the fake story, he made H promise to him to stop it and our friend does not know anything about his recent change of heart about our M. H is avoiding friends, truly in denial.

Our friend says that H and OW do spend a lot of time together at the office and she laughs at his stupid jokes. She's in her early 20's and has nothing to offer, apparently living with a boyfriend herself.

Our friend suggested that I need to make him realize what he will lose if he keeps up with that. Right now, everything seems to make sense in H's head. Our friend was a WAS himself not too long ago and it wasn't until he realized that he was going to lose his W that made him open his eyes. But by that time it was too late and his W moved on.

Lots of emotions going through my head right now...

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear you're going through that.

A couple of suggestions. First off, I would take what your H's coworker says with a grain of salt. He's not you and he's not your H. He really doesn't know what's going on and your H could very well be just enjoying the company of a friend. Just because he doesn't show that he's miserable like you may be, doesn't mean that he isn't.

"she laughs at his stupid jokes."

If she does and you don't and you think of them as "stupid" is there any reason why he may not feel comfortable around you?

It doesn't sound like he was lying to you just because he's friendly with this girl.

You mentioned you had mood swings. Maybe you need to take a deep breath whenever you hear something like this so you can think clearly rather than going on impulse. Will it help or hurt your situation?

Not saying that you're not right, but sometimes it's better to think things out a bit and see what the concrete facts are and not circumstantial evidence.

[BklynMom]

nhmom - STAY COOL. Your H is not sleeping with this woman and the only thing your anger will do is lead him to sleep with her. Start acting.

I believe my H was also having an emotional affair when he dropped the bomb. I really dont think my H would admit to that because he didnt even know it was happening. She was a friend and they worked together and they werent hooking up so he wasnt doing anything wrong.

If your H is a "good guy" he prob thinks the same thing.

Dont give your H the ability to talk trash about you to this OW. oh my wife is a rage-aholic, she is demanding, she not loving...

Be the opposite. Be so loving and understanding. That is what OW is doing.

My H took the OW with him and my girls apple picking in October. My d3 told me OW went. It nearly killed me but I said nothing.

Right now I think my H relationship with OW has faded. They dont work together any more so they have less of an excuse. She is in her 20s and from what I can tell has a life that doesnt involve hanging with young kids.

The OW in your case has a man. She probably doesnt realize wtf she is doing. She does not think she is cheating.

Stay cool. Vent here. Call a coach.

"his is not the man I have known for the past 13 years and nobody can turn off feeling at the flip of a switch."

My H also totally flipped a switch. Dont know if you read my whole thread, but the week before ILYBNILY, H and I were putting bids down on houses. H had just told me we would never get a divorce - "that would never happen to us, baby"

Then he flipped a switch. I believe we both can switch it back. Lets stay cool together.

[purgatory]

Breathe.... then scream, cry and yell all of your frustrations..... to us.


Finding out about OW is like a second bomb being dropped. I'm struggling with it myself- but I know (in my head) that the only thing I *can* do is to keep my mouth shut and act like the bigger person. (TOTALLY easier said than done!!)

(on my post):
Bklyn said that we need to *act*, as if we are in a movie following a script. Then 25 said that LBS should have an Academy Award Night for some of our performances.... but she also made a good point: that the WAS could win some awards too: for "acting" happy and in love, while the whole time they were miserable and un-happy.

[nhmom]

I don't think H and OW are just "friends". He's emotionally vested in her. H obviously has feeling for OW and has told our friend. Hence the reason for his "confession" a few months back where he made up a story. Friend said that H was embarrassed or guilty about telling the truth about co-worker. I also think co-worker changed her phone# because of the discrepancies I noticed.

I'm trying to find information on adultery in my state. I don't have clear proof that they have indeed done anything. I may consult with a lawyer just to get an idea of what might lie ahead of me. My friend also said that he'd testify for me if needed. Even though he was more H's friend, he has taken my side even though I told him I didn't want him to take sides. But since he's been there, done that, he knows what H is going through and friend offered his support if needed. Again, I did not ask him to.

I'm trying to be "cool". I don't know what I'm going to do or what I'm going to say to H when I see him tonight.

[MrBond]

"I don't think H and OW are just "friends"."

But you don't know.

"He's emotionally vested in her."

Are you sure?

"H obviously has feeling for OW and has told our friend."

You didn't mention this before. What did your friend say?

"he knows what H is going through"

If this was the case, then he should be talking to your H.

[nhmom]

I want him to leave. I can't just sit back and pretend everything is ok. If he's comfortable with how things are now...me doing everything at home, being a doormat, and H finding emotional support in OW. It can go on for a long time. H needs reality to hit him. Once he's gone, he can figure stuff out, if that is really what he wants. But as long as he's at home, he'll get too comfortable with everything.

It also makes complete sense with his interaction (or the lack thereof) with S4. He feels guilty. The reason why H "confessed" the first time was because he thought that S4 meant the world to him and he didn't want to hurt him. H used to be a great, devoted father. I cannot say the same now, and I know it is because of his guilt.

[nhmom]

MrBond -

Our friend went through a divorce just about a year ago. He was the WAS. Then, when his ex-W moved on, friend realized what he had done and it opened his eyes. By then it was too late.

H was there for friend when he was going through it, called him an idiot and stuff. Now, H decided to be the idiot and will not tell friend what is going on because he knows friend would disapprove. I know everyone is different, but I do trust friend in his feelings because he went through it. Friend said he will try to find out what's going on, but not say he talked to me.

[MrBond]

"I cannot say the same now, and I know it is because of his guilt."

You aren't your H, so you don't "know".

I'm not saying that your H is innocent or whatever, but it seems like you're really hopped up on emotion right now. You may not be in the best position to say anything right now. If you are going to attack him the moment he gets home you might as well fill our the D papers yourself and hand them to him.