Too Little, Too late 3

[25yearsmlc]

I told MY h that I was glad he was finally going to be a great h...for his next w.

I meant it but I was also resentful of it. So, there's that.

Can't give you a timeline but they say a month of consistent change for every year of marriage so by the time he leaves, your job is to have shown consistent change in YOU and how you react to upsetting news--for him to believe that maybe your changes are real.

And Something WILL be upsetting between now and then, like finding out his assignment on an email--(don't know if this was your sitch or one11's, but you cannot make an issue of something like that.) Prepare yourself for some Mother Teresa patience...

oh and here are other DB tips I got from my Godsent coach.

1) Lose the anger, at least in front of him

2) Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth

don't make it harder for him to come home than it already would be...

3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does...

(sometimes this is hard, like Mother Teresa hard - but it SO helps)

4) GAL and learn to Detach

Smack yourself in the head BEFORE you lose your temper in front of this man or POS OP...just lose the anger--put it somewhere else if you can't "lose it".

Here's something that helped me in a lot of ways.

H was due to leave in May to go to the tundra without US so to me that would end the marriage...period.

But he had a conference in Feb in Palm Springs and asked us all to go. I balked. I thought it would be awkward and weird and that

it would somehow reward him for leaving soon by pretending all was well.
No way!! I was against it.


Thankfully my DB coach slapped me sober with this question--"if it's the last vacation you'll have together, why not make it wonderful for your kids AND give him something to miss?"

Oh...that...

So for four days, I decided to shelve all my pain and anger (said my mantras hourly)

and NOT be negative.

For FOUR DAYS I would not view ANYTHING H did in a negative light.

I'd switch it to positive or at worst, neutralize it.

This meant that Instead of seeing h as a nerd who monopolizes conversation in the car ride, I chose to see him as a well educated dad teaching his kids.
Sounds simple and it is but we rarely do this. INstead we focus on a negative spin and then want to correct it. Lesson learned. That's not loving. (Also not fun)


There were times bad fears or anger would creep or jump back in, but I'd tell myself "25, you can be angry LATER!" and I'm sorry to admit that thought comforted me...
at least it kept my anger hidden or shelved. Like I said, I just had to do it for four days...that's about 100 hours, and some of that is sleeping. It is doable.

It was not easy at first, and I did the "Stop Sign" a lot.

But we were in a new place and there were no reminders of our situation and somehow it kind of worked partially Within 30 hours. The new me behaved for a day and a half UBER ZEN LIKE and h began to noticably relax. He touched my hand more and complimented me. We both smiled as did the kids.

We went horseback riding and I could tell the girls were SO relieved there was no tension. I knew that at the very least, they'd have good memories. WORTH IT!!

I determined by the 2nd day that there was NO WAY I'd be the one to blow it and I'd go the whole time. You could have called me Mother Teresa 25 for those 4 days. Saw comedies, went hiking, hugged the kids more and listened for their wishes about what to do next, etc.

Had a blast....and h was kinder and more attentive to all of us.

I think I had gotten a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like.

I wanted his last memories of us to be good ones no matter what else, and I wanted the girls to remember us as once being a happy family.

I figured h had to miss something - and no one misses an angry shrew, so I contrasted those images he had of my "disappointed wife" face, with the "new 25"...and it helped us a lot.

Hope this helps.