Hello 2 man. All I know or realized was that I could only control myself and had to let my wife go through her crisis. I learned what I could about DB'ing and it really helped but I found that in some cases I would go with my gut even if it didn't fall into the so called DB criteria.

I just said to myself that I will love her through this, let it play out in whatever way it does, give her whatever time and support she needs, keep the road home smooth and open; and for me, self evaluate honestly and improve. I kind of just gave up on the daily details of this sitch and just let love and the universe play out. It took me quite a while to get there.

Whenever we speak about the R, I just speak from the heart but also remain aware of where she is in her own crisis. So I listen to her, see where she is and only go as far as she is ready to.

Somehow in this process she was able to start finding some clarity in her crisis and some answers. I keep listening to her as she describes to me the process she is going through and keep commending her for her strength.

I have been seeing a kind of snowball effect. She discovers something about herself and feels more clarity and strength. I see something likewise for myself and the mutual changes kind of dovetail each other, and it has allowed us the clarity to explain past frustrations we had and see how we have gotten to a better place in how we handle most everything.

Right now we are both at this place but I'm not sure where this leads us. I can say that I heard all the horrible things like everyone else...this is done, will never work, revisionist history, etc. Now, her words are no longer like that. She does say that this can work out, which is something she was not saying for nine months, but I can see her being extremely cautious. So am I. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways and feel confident that if this doesn't work out, despite it being a tragedy, I can lead a fulfilled life.

Her telling me she loves me is nice to hear. I dont really know how she means that when she says it but I know she is not the type to say that and not mean it. So, I don't hear a passionate I love you from her (we are still living in separate rooms) but I do think she is saying it from a deep level, not just a lighthearted way of saying it.

She's still going through a huge change and its going to take some time. Her Mom, who lives with us in an in-law appt, is also going through a major crisis too so now we are dealing with that, but at least its "we" dealing with it and not separately like we were when the bomb dropped. It's funny because my W is seeing how she was with me when the bomb dropped because she can see how her Mom is to her with her Mom dropping a bomb of her own.

When you describe your W I see many of the same traits and reactions as my W. I was lucky enough to find out the OM is in fact not an A, but I didn't know that for months so I felt all the same horror you feel with your W. Nonetheless, our sitch did drive her to seek comfort with another guy, just not the physical part. Maybe your W's reasons for doing this are the same as my W. She needed somewhere to go that wasn't M or family, that was safe for her with no strings. My W has admitted that when the bomb dropped she was literally out of her mind, and sometimes I wonder if your W is in the same stage.

It sounds like your W is in some type of crisis herself, not just someone saying FU to her H, but acting out in desperation. Have you had any conversation with her of the sort where she is saying she is confused and needs to find a place/time to seek clarity?

Has your W ever mentioned that she might need help? I remember when I suggested that to my W she was massively defensive, but at the time I didn't know anything about DB'ing. Luckily, my W actually considered it and decided to see a psychitriat on her own. That was a very fortunate thing because it is working for her, and ultimately for us and family.