You know, I've been in your shoes - kind of. My H had an affair - a BRIEF one, not prolonged like your H's. We reconciled (with the help of this board) and actually had several of the best years of our marriage (and really, our marriage was pretty good most of the time anyway).
Then as he approached fifty, he became depressed again (stopped his antidepressants), he had a business disappointment, he had a couple of concussions, I had some health problems, and he started looking elsewhere again.
Luckily, my kids by that time were 17, 18 and 21. But it was still tough on all of us when he left.
But I have to tell you, as distraught as I was at the time, now I am happy to be single.
The men who I have dated since my ex left, have appreciated me so much more than he did. My life is more fun, now that I'm not walking on eggs around my grumpy ex and trying to twist myself into a pretzel to keep him happy.
I play the drums in a rock band, I have a handsome boyfriend who is 9 years younger than me, and I don't miss my ex.
It sounds like you've tried hard to save your marriage, and it [censored] for the kids to go through a divorce - but really, a H whose disrespect is ongoing in this way? You don't deserve it.
(Btw - I'm willing to bet that if he DID get to be with the OW, the shine would wear off his fantasy pretty quick.)
Maybe, just right this minute, you don't have to decide? Just focus on YOUR life, on what you need to work on in yourself, on making plans so that you will be financially okay if you do divorce. And be real clear on what it would take for him to redeem himself - counseling, treatment for his depression, no contact, complete transparency (that assumes he's even trying to stay).
You would be completely justified if you decide you are done. But I know with kids, you want to shield them from everything you can.
I'll just say though - when we finally split, I kinda wished I had been younger (your age) when I divorced. I worried about dating in my fifties - and it is a bit tougher, I think.
