Done lurking, need advice.

[25yearsmlc]

Got an email from the wife telling me she "has made peace with her decision to divorce".

Is it over? is it time to grow a pair and accept that she is not coming back? I'm feeling lost and desperate....

I know you've posted later posts, but this ^^^ one is your core question to me.

Thing is, I'm not sure what "growing a pair" means in this context, versus DBing. But to me, DBing and "growing a pair", in my paradigm are the same things.

You want to save your m. We get that. But DBIng is first about saving yourself which is why we hammer the "GAL" and "180s" so much. THEN maybe you can save the m.

if nothing else you'll be a better man than you were before. That has value.

Don't discount it or act as if it's pointless if you can't get her back soon or ever.

Your changes have to be authentic changes done for yourself, b/c you want to work on the traits you've now realized need changing. They cannot be mere tactics to get her back. Those don't last and you'd revert OR so she'd fear.


She has been hurting for a long time. And she has her own issues. So perhaps she feels this is her task to do, and you can release her to do it.

Which leaves you to your task and your job is determining what that task is. But your work is yours to do. And you have no control over hers.

What are your 180s? Are you on meds or making progress with the depression?


Part of your task is to GAL and move forward, become the best man you can become, and see what life has for you around the corner. Expect good things to come your way.

She'll see the changes. And they're attractive.

Here are some GAL things I did while living in the interior of Alaska so I didn't go nuts in the winter. Most of them cost very little. Oh and I had a baby when we first got there so NOPE it was not "convenient".

But the alternative to GAL, was worse.

Auditioned for community theater and got cast

did stand up comedy

joined a writer's group

took flying lessons and got a pilot's license

saw a shrink and took ADs

worked out a lot and got in very good shape

used a tanning booth

joined the Officer's Wives Club

volunteered for the women's shelter & got on the Bd of Directors

learned to cross country ski

learned to seriously hunt

learned to shoot and went on a big game hunt. Fed my family for nearly a year

edited a book

took a French Class

Took a pottery class

took an Italian Cuisine class

whatever you do in your GAL you and your w have not been very social people. I don't know how long you've lived in your area but clearly you need to do GAL things that involve others.


Meet new people and make some friends. It's essential to being happy.

I'm so glad that you are owning your pieces and working on them.

The real journey is an inward one and

the couples who do reconcile around here, ALL have made changes that are significant.

Otherwise they'd repeat their errors and fail. So you are doing what's best for your m - while also moving forward. You'll be a better partner if the time comes that your w has had enough freedom to choose you...

and if she never does, you will have lost nothing b/c you'll be farther along the road to contentment b/c of your efforts now.

So your course of action is the same...make sense?


Good luck