Got an email from the wife telling me she "has made peace with her decision to divorce".
Is it over? is it time to grow a pair and accept that she is not coming back? I'm feeling lost and desperate....
I know you've posted later posts, but this ^^^ one is your core question to me.
Thing is, I'm not sure what "growing a pair" means in this context, versus DBing. But to me, DBing and "growing a pair", in my paradigm are the same things.
You want to save your m. We get that. But DBIng is first about saving yourself which is why we hammer the "GAL" and "180s" so much. THEN maybe you can save the m.
if nothing else you'll be a better man than you were before. That has value.
Don't discount it or act as if it's pointless if you can't get her back soon or ever.
Your changes have to be authentic changes done for yourself, b/c you want to work on the traits you've now realized need changing. They cannot be mere tactics to get her back. Those don't last and you'd revert OR so she'd fear.
She has been hurting for a long time. And she has her own issues. So perhaps she feels this is her task to do, and you can release her to do it.
Which leaves you to your task and your job is determining what that task is. But your work is yours to do. And you have no control over hers. What are your 180s? Are you on meds or making progress with the depression?
Part of your task is to GAL and move forward, become the best man you can become, and see what life has for you around the corner. Expect good things to come your way.
She'll see the changes. And they're attractive.
Here are some GAL things I did while living in the interior of Alaska so I didn't go nuts in the winter. Most of them cost very little. Oh and I had a baby when we first got there so NOPE it was not "convenient". But the alternative to GAL, was worse.
Auditioned for community theater and got cast
did stand up comedy
joined a writer's group
took flying lessons and got a pilot's license
saw a shrink and took ADs
worked out a lot and got in very good shape
used a tanning booth
joined the Officer's Wives Club
volunteered for the women's shelter & got on the Bd of Directors
learned to cross country ski
learned to seriously hunt
learned to shoot and went on a big game hunt. Fed my family for nearly a year
edited a book
took a French Class
Took a pottery class
took an Italian Cuisine class
whatever you do in your GAL you and your w have not been very social people. I don't know how long you've lived in your area but clearly you need to do GAL things that involve others.
Meet new people and make some friends. It's essential to being happy.
I'm so glad that you are owning your pieces and working on them.
The real journey is an inward one and
the couples who do reconcile around here, ALL have made changes that are significant.
Otherwise they'd repeat their errors and fail. So you are doing what's best for your m - while also moving forward. You'll be a better partner if the time comes that your w has had enough freedom to choose you...
and if she never does, you will have lost nothing b/c you'll be farther along the road to contentment b/c of your efforts now. So your course of action is the same...make sense?
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"Thing is, I'm not sure what "growing a pair" means in this context, versus DBing. But to me, DBing and "growing a pair", in my paradigm are the same things."
This is an excellent point and really fairly obvious. I know I am still pursuing. I may not be outwardly articulating the pursuit, but it is pursuit nonetheless.
I have gone to great lengths not to see her nor have I for a couple of weeks. Still, its the little things like all the photographs of me or me/her have been placed in a pile for removal. This hurts the most I think. Told my coworker this and he said that "once they do that its all over, accept it and move on". So darn hard. Please understand that I was never abusive or hurtful, but rather I was at times distant when I was in my funk. That gets better everday now. I feel that her actions are not commenserate with my offenses. I realize it does not matter what I think when its she that his hurting. Just amazed and dismayed by all this.
I did learn something about my emotional state this weekend. I went on a date thinking it would be good for my self esteem. Nice girl, met her at Barnes & Noble for coffee. It lasted all of 25 minutes before I had to leave. It felt sooo inapropriate to be there. Too soon.
Ask and ye shall receive. Thanks 25!
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Any observations or things I could have handeled differently?
Stiil pretty LRT. Have not spoke to her in awhile.
Yes you need to get to where you're not counting the days.
You need to get to where when she initiates a conversation it doesn't throw you out of detachement.
Detachment is your friend. And your pain will guide you there.
Learn to control your thoughts which will help you control your emotions about those thoughts.
I put a rubber band on my wrist and when I thought about W I would snap it.
Stupid but it worked.
That is the goal right now to detach and GAL.
THAT will get your self esteem back.
THAT will allow you to make the changes in yourself because you are not dwelling on why your W wants to leave you.
IMO you must decide something first.
You must decide to go on this journey.
I always ask it this way:
What are you prepared to do for your M if you are NOT guaranteed it can be saved?
What did YOU mean when you said your vows? I will love and honor you all the days of my life
BUT
If you get scared and confused and lose your way...
I won't.
This is not about your W right now it is about you. Leave her be.
There is no magic here. No tricks. Nothing guaranteed. Make changes for you, not for an outcome because if they are not for real she will sniff you out like a drug dog at the Miami airport.
What do YOU value? What kind of man do you aspire to be?
When you look in the mirror do you see a man YOU respect?
If you don't it is time to get busy.
For me?
When I looked in the mirror I didn't want to see a guy who was running away because he got kicked in the jimmy.
How 'bout you my friend?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
"What are your 180s? Are you on meds or making progress with the depression?"
The meds have done wonders. This situation has forced me to confront my depression and it is very depressing - lol. Good thing is that I have indeed taken ownership of this and recognize what needs to change. Im changing every day for the better.
Me: 44 Bomb: 11/27/11 Divorced:6/12 Life goes on: 6/13
Although I do see hope in your sitch, I want to post something from a WAW to her h.
I do this b/c you said that despite years of being depressed and morose, you feel your W wanting out is "not commensurate" with that, b/c you were not abusive.(?)
Some food for thought...
FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED,& WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET, & HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….
"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that,
One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.
Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your Spouse - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.
Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated, does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.
And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.
Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.
And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.
Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.
Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her, and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell. __
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So sorry about that grmpy. It is time to be brave, go to court be calm and cool. Don't let her see you sweat. Don't act desperate nothing you can do right now. I know it svks and you probably are scared but things tend to work out in the end. Not sure why but they do.They can't eat ya!!! Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
