Separation Helped So Far..

[anyhope]

Ok, so I don't know where to start and to answer your questions above, yes I could ask for more space and time as I have before but finds a reason to call and after he hasn't called for a few days I pick up because I don't feel like I'm being pressured, but then he'd most likely ask if I want to get back together, and no ow is still there, so it's not something I overlook, there will be no option of reconciling until she's there or even after sometime after.. As messed up as their 'relationship' is its been going for quite some time.. God knows how he'd do without her.. What if he'd go mad again and change his mind just as he did when I moved, I mean nothing will surprise me anymore.

He took the dog and I had a cold and it was like -25 outside so I didn't mind, except he kept him for about a week, just brought him home today and it was very lonely without him (the dog I mean)
When they came he sat on the couch and my dog, I swear to God had that look in his eyes like he wanted to be together. He sat beside H, very close and kept staring at me sometimes turning his head looking at him and putting his head on h's shoulders.. I have never seen anything like this. H said he agreed he was clearly suggesting that (of course he'd say that) I looked at the dog and said, no I'm sorry and then told h that kids always prefer that the parents stay together because they don't fully understand what's going on.

Later I went on Facebook and was chatting with a friend who recently found me there and we touched the subject of why I'm single, what happened and what not..
Also yesterday I found a beautiful song that's supposed to be erotic/ romantic but I swear I hear a tone of sadness in it. It is called love in Spain - cafe del mar on YouTube for those who might be interested.. Anyhow while chatting I had the song running over and over..

So I was telling my friend what happened, not in fine detail, but I told him whatever was important and him being a family man (a few yrs younger than my husband) said how he hoped he'd never betray his family like that, and how committed he is and so on.. Now I'm not sure if it was the fact of me bringing up what happened or the song playing that touched me, but we finished chatting and I stared out of my head and started crying.. I have not cried for months and now I cried hard.. Can't really even say what I cried about... The fact that there are still committed men out there.. It's just that my husband is not one of them.. I cried that aside from how he keeps saying he wants to be with me he still lives with ow. I don't want to ask him about her all the time.. Or at all really and last time he brought up the subject he said he told her to leave but can't put her on the street and she has nowhere to go, she looking.. Well, I still think she'll be looking for a long time, so whatever h says, they are still together.. So I don't know but I cried and felt weak like I haven't felt for months.

I was thinking if a family oriented man is so much to ask for.. H is not family oriented, I don't see him ever be, he's 40.. It's not like he'll change at this age.. Or could he? Anyways I felt a major headache from all the crying so took some painkillers right away, ate chocolate and a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches to 'make me feel better' I wanted to go to sleep then realized the dog was home and I have to take him out still, so I pulled myself together and out we went, had a nice walk in the rain and the fresh air was nice.. Feeling somewhat better now, but.. God.. I want to be strong, stronger than this..