Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

Thanks Bklyn. I was really getting good at 'acting' around Christmas time- hadn't mastered it, but was getting better.

I know that I need to get back there, and I think I can do it quicker.... but this new "bomb" feels like I'm going through a second D.

Let me know what y'all think about this gem:

(a little background) OW's 16 year old D is my goddaughter (OW is my boys' godM too- I'm seriously questioning the values she will be displaying to my kids and hers.) She and I would spend 1:1 time at least once a week, if not more. My H had stepped up as the guy in her life when her dad starting the abuse on her. She always said we are her second parents- a closeness I have come to regret. But in any case, I still love and care about her as if she was my own- and it kills me to not be around her right now.

I texted D16 tonight to apologize for not being around lately. She said: "My mom told me what [H] said to her and that she hasn't made a decision. I understand why you can't be around right now"
WHY WOULD OW TELL HER DAUGHTER THIS??? I was disgusted that she chose to involve her D into this new sitch, and not even having a clear decision or path to take. Can we say confusing for her D??? I simply responded: "I'm sorry you had to find out. I love you sweetie. Please call/or text me if you ever need to talk." I could smack OW right now for being so childish as to use her 16 year old as a 'friend' to lean on- selfish much???

I can only imagine all the confusion that is about to come from all of our kids if H and OW decide to pursue this. I can't be there to ease the blow for her kids, but I can do it for my boys.

This whole thing makes me sick. I can't believe these 2 selfish, self-centered people are the same ones that I have loved and cared about for so many years.
I know that H is in crisis and OW is the easiest transition (a fact that 25 has helped me to realize) because she's a known entity. She's been a close friend and source of comfort through our troubles- so of course he's experienced things with her that he was missing with me. I really think its' cowardly of both of them to pick the path of least resistance.

I have had the bad thoughts that this could last for a long time because they already know each other and won't have to waste time with intimacies. But then I'm reminded, that neither of them have *lived* with each other- where the *true* person comes out. They've really only experienced the 'event' person: going to the beach, fishing, thanksgiving dinners, game nights... not the person who's cranky in the am and lays around on the couch not cleaning up after himself; and she's the one who is a jealous/untrusting person- who follows around like a puppy and doesn't speak her mind. Thinking about both of their 'negatives' gives me 'positive' thoughts about their R... a little evil of me, but it works.

Sometimes I'm shocked that I still want a M with this guy. But then I remember- that I don't love this 'alien' whose in crisis and being mean just because he can... i love the H that would make me a dozen origami roses for Valentines each year (partly because we were always broke early on, AND because he said they lasted forever- just like his love). I've actually thought about making one and leaving it somewhere for him to find this valentines... as a small reminder of the man he used to be (it could end up biting me in the @ss though.) I love the H that wore the T-shirt he proposed to me in, every year on our anniversary. I love the H that didn't sleep or eat during either of my labors- because: "if you have to suffer this much to bring my child in the world, I can suffer a little too." I love the H that took and entire week off of work to isolate me and be my nursemaid when I had swineflu while pregnant with our second son. He did and showed his love for me in so many different ways- I kick myself in the butt for not being able to step up to the plate when he told me he wasn't happy.

I really appreciate having this board to get out all the crazy thoughts- so that I don't loose my cool and take it out on either of them. I think I can keep my mouth shut more often in front of H (because I don't plan on ever seeing her again) as long as I can get them out somewhere... so sorry guys, you are the victims of my ranting and raving for now. I apologize in advance if I start to sound like a broken record.

Thanks for being my lifeline.