Confused and alone

[purgatory]

(((((nhmom)))))

Sounds like we are all on the same roller coaster, how's the view from your seat?

I was just learning to detach right after Christmas... and then I got another bomb (my BFF is OW) I'm trying to figure out how to get back to that place... because I've already seen a glimpse of it... but it's extra hard now that I don't have my BFF as a source of venting and comfort.

I can totally relate to 'leaving the room' and him acting confused. Do they really expect that we can sit around and look at them while feeling all this pain/anger?!?! It's always been amazing to me how the WAS can seem to 'detach' the second they say the words: "I'm done." It's like they have a magic switch that turns off all emotional connections to us.

Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself, and keeping yourself from saying what you really want to say. I will sometimes go into my bathroom and lock the door. My H used to think that i was sick a lot and asked why I was always disappearing to the bathroom at random times.... I finally explained to him that it's the only way I can protect myself sometimes- he doesn't ask anymore.

I was reading back over your posts, and I realized I never answered your question about the "tools" that I now have to keep me from backsliding... it sounds silly and extreme, but this is what my C developed for me, and it works:
If I feel myself wanting to *react* to a statement or action from my H (and normally i would blow up at him), I have to wait 24 hours before I can respond. During that time, I can journal or cry or whatever else I need to do to get rid of the adrenaline that came on because of my reaction. Then, after the time period, one of two things will happen:
1. I will have realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and my journaling would have been enough to get out the frustration.
2. If I still feel hurt/angry about the previous day, I'm allowed to approach H with my feelings. But what I noticed is this: There was no longer anger and venom in my words. I was calm and rational- H actually *heard* my words (not the tone of my voice) and we were always able to discuss and come to an understanding.

I only wish I had learned this "24 hour rule" long before my M was on the brink. I've come to a point now, where I don't have to wait that long before I can jump from emotional brain into rational brain and I can approach the issue sooner. [although not currently because of the new OW issue... I've already done the things I shouldn't have- time to go back to "24 hour rule"]

Give it a try, maybe it will help you too