Wife Left Part 3

[Rick1963]

Iggles fan LMAO.

[CO1978]

This is a long story short, NEED HELP PLEASE ADVISE!!!!!

Today wife called to tell me she talked to D lawyer. I didn't take news very well.

She told me she wanted to get a no fault divorce and we could do a split custody of S. I told her it would be easier if I didn't still love her, so I told her I couldn't do this.

She got angry and asked if I was going to make her take this to court, and if I did, her lawyer would make sure she took me for everything. I told her I didn't care, and she could have everything. Her reply was "Are you crazy?". I said "If I'm going down, I'm going down in a blaze of glory." She then asked "Is it fair to S that you are going to make him go to court and deal with all this?" I replied "Is it fair you are going to make him go through this divorce?"

She told me if I came to my senses to call her.

Well I came to my senses and called her back after about an hour. I told her I don't want to make this difficult for her or S since I love them so much.

She said it wasn't going to be anytime soon, but she wanted to get it over with. Somewhere in this talk it came up that I was EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE (our counselor called it manipulation) to her. Wow that hurt me to find this out.

Being emotionally abusive to her is where she got the feeling of walking on eggshells. We discussed this for a little bit, then I agreed I would pick S up tomorrow.

After this little talk I googled emotionally abusive relationships. I did my research, took a quiz and realized I did fit the bill for a lot of the things (this is a big thing to realize and is now the top reason of our marriage breakdown).

I texted her if we could talk more about this so I could get a better understanding. She called me pretty much immediately.

We talked for about 45 minutes on this subject, and my quiz answers. She told me that she knew I didn't realize I was doing it, but it took a great toll on her.

It was a very good talk with her and really helped me understand why she is feeling the way she does (plus she came out and asked, now do you see why I feel this way?)

She agreed to still go to counseling on Wednesday. I asked what about if we continue to go to counseling. She said, "Let's see what he says on Wednesday night, if he says we should, I will."

So now any chance (or best chance) at reconciliation is on Wednesday night at counseling. Its not that I have to try to convince W to hold off on divorce, but I have to convince counselor that W and I should stay married.

I could use some advice on the Do's and Don'ts. I am hoping counselor will say "Yes this marriage can be saved with more counseling!"

I do think if he says W is beyond her point of staying in marriage, all hope of our marriage goes out the window. So again I need advice on how to DB my MC!!!

[25yearsmlc]

no you do not have to convince her OR the MC (who I assume is pro m??)

that you must stay married.

All you have to do is convince them that you are changing...no agenda other than that. No "tactics to get her back" but genuine remorse and the desire to become a better man on your end.

If your w comes to believe you can change for good, and sees that you are an involved loving father, she'll have a very hard time justifying the break up of a family

and b/c she's willing to go to c,

I think you have a shot. But go only with the hope for time...

to prove that you are awakening and becoming a new man.

[CO1978]

Thank you so much 25, your answer helps.

I do think she knows I have genuine remorse, and the desire to be better. She has said that she wishes she could rewind time and that I shouldn't take all the blame.

During our last couple talks, I am convinced that she realizes I am changing. She has made several comments about how great of a father I have become, and that me being a better father is making her leaving easier, because she thought I would give up on S.

I think (am hoping MC is pro M. He is also my IC and he is doing a great job for me on the areas I needed.

I also have said to her I am fine giving her her space and would just like to try to continue to get help for both of us, and if possible both of us at same time.

[25yearsmlc]

do not totally buy into her saying it's easier to leave BECAUSE you are a good father

she MEANS that if you had dropped off the face of the earth post divorce, that would have hurt her more...and son...

so keep on being the best dad you can be

b/c NO woman is unmoved by that.

Good luck!

[Mach1]

I stand by what I told you last week....

Now is the time for your actions to speak LOUDLY...

Listen, validate, and STFU.

Listen without defending, speak without offending

[CO1978]

Listen, validate, and STFU.

Listen without defending, speak without offending

Short and to the point, thank you!!

[BklynMom]

"I think (am hoping MC is pro M. "

Can you call and ask him? I really got burnt by MC that believed the most important thing for any person is to be self-actualized and if one person in a marriage wants out the other should except it and move on.

I really regret not asking MC directly prior to appt. what their thoughts were on self actualization vs. marriage.

[25yearsmlc]

to echo that

a lot of MC's or ICs want to rehash the past. I found just by posting my story here forced me to read my old journals, and at some points I got mad all over again at h. It can be like reliving the trauma over and over...

Not so helpful. Hence the focus here on what to do NOW?

and I'd add, "from this day forward" b/c the more I think about that, the more I realize those words are there in our vows for a purpose

[25yearsmlc]

"I think (am hoping MC is pro M. "

Can you call and ask him? I really got burnt by MC that believed the most important thing for any person is to be self-actualized and if one person in a marriage wants out the other should except it and move on.

I really regret not asking MC directly prior to appt. what their thoughts were on self actualization vs. marriage.

and the value of keeping our commitments to our utmost...

I don't believe in staying married "at all costs" and you can be clear about that..

but fundamentally it seems a "marriage" counselor ought to be pro marriage for God's sake...