what a good man you are, rick. i find your non-defensiveness very admirable.
based on what i have read, i am going on the assumption that the two of you are living together. i've been there. that is one challenging situation.
if that is true, it might give you an opportunity to do something pro-active that helps both of you (and if you are already doing this, maybe even a little more?): give each other room and space, and i mean that in the most physical sense of the word. no, i don't mean move out - i just mean for a while, see what happens when you really try to be away more. it might help reduce some of the mental exhaustion and tension that either of you may be experiencing. like any DB idea, it's all about doing something different, and then observing results to see if the idea is worth continuing.
a second idea is to change your communication pattern by seeing what happens when you really focus on safety when you communicate with W. try this: when she initiates a conversation about almost anything (except where she is asking for a response or action on your part i.e. "will you pick D up from school") listen carefully, avoid judgement of any kind (watch the non-verbals!), express respect for her viewpoint and then thank her for sharing it. and then don't talk unless she specifically asks you to. and then share your thoughts in very respectful way.
i hope these ideas are helpful and please excuse me if they are ideas you have already tried or thought of.
