Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

So, ex and the kids left a little bit ago. They'll be back in a little over an hour.

We figured out a budget plan. Of course it's pretty loose right now, considering I don't know what kind of public assistance I'll be getting, but even if I get zero, I'll only have around $60 to make up. That's pretty great! I'm shocked it all lined up that well. Once I start working I won't have to worry so much. James is completely fine with supporting my household until I'm able to. He can plainly see that I'm doing all that I can.

He'll be keeping the kids Monday and Tuesday nights so I won't have to worry about picking them up so late. That will be fun for the kids, too. They haven't spent the night with their dad (while knowing he was here...) in 5 weeks. Tomorrow will be the first night he has them without me. I brought up the car seat issue and he said he just flat doesn't have the money right now. He said money's been awful at his job and he's been paying all of the bills and doesn't have any extra right now. He understands that he needs to get his own. I will keep reminding him.

I feel strong. It feels really great. I don't feel like I'm pining for him anymore =O He shaved his mustache off. Omg, he looks weird! He's had it the past going on 2 years. I think he looks so much better with it...especially since he still has the goatee and the long hair. Anyway, that just shocked me, lol.

He was on the verge of tears practically the entire hour he was here. I wasn't hardly at all. Maybe once or twice. He brought up the relationship, of course. He said it's so bittersweet that I'm doing the changing now. He agrees that he has a lot of maturing to do (and so do I, which he of course pointed out). He said it all just [censored] so much because he's in limboland right now. It's school especially that has him feeling this way. He has no idea if he'll get his financial aid back yet.

I can't remember exactly what I said (I think it had to do with my dad possibly going through a divorce, and I said I told my dad if I can do it, he can do it). Ex stopped dead in his tracks, looked me in the eye, and said, "Do you feel like this was the best thing for us?" I actually said yes, I do. I meant it. I needed to grow. I don't know why, but I was not growing with him. He said wow and that he didn't see that coming. He just stood there in silence and stared off into space for a minute after that. I don't know, we did a lot of talking. I didn't feel emotionally manipulated at all. I think I'm becoming immune to it, if he's even trying to manipulate me at all, which I don't think he was today. I felt really ok to talk to him. I accept that it's over. I know he isn't coming home. I wouldn't want him to, at this point. We were not good for each other. The trust is gone.

It's obvious that we're both mourning the relationship. As I thought all along, it wasn't that he fell out of love with me. He said love just wasn't enough, and I agree. It's just tragic, isn't it? To still have the love, but to have to try to make it die because you know that you just don't mix well with the person you're in love with. That you just can't live that way anymore. Both of us couldn't. It just took me a lot longer to figure it out for myself.

We decided to keep our accounts joint for the next few months, at least. I reminded him that if he starts dating someone within that time that she could heavily influence him and he could kick me out of the accounts. He looked forlorn and said I don't have to worry about him dating anytime soon at all. I'm guessing his coworker deal didn't work out how he wanted it to...lol =S I told him that that's not my business, but that I hope he'll remember what he's saying now and to not kick me out of the accounts. He said he wouldn't. Hopefully it'll only need to be this way until I start getting regular paychecks. I hope I'll be starting in March rather than April. Not sure of which yet.

I ended up comforting him (or I tried to) as he left. He told me to just not say anything because he was already crossing boundaries. He was in tears. I said it was ok, and said what I wanted to say. He said he felt like he'd been robbed of his confidence, and that was a big part of who he was. I asked him who robbed him of it? I got him to realize that he robbed himself of it, and that it never left.

Anyway, this is getting long. We both agreed to not think the worst of each other, and to think of our relationship as something that we can learn from (good and bad!). I was joking around and said that if he promises not to think of me as a controlling bitch, I won't think of him as a lying [censored], LOL. He said he doesn't think of me that way. We were just so young, selfish, and honestly ignorant of how a healthy relationship should be. We both deserved better. We know that we truly loved each other and that's why we held on, but love just wasn't enough. It never is, and shouldn't be. There is so much more that goes into a relationship.