Rebuilding myself from the ground- up

[cat04]

I'M STUCK! I am really,really stuck.

I have to say that I agree.

i know where my conduct comes from. I've known for quite some times.
When i was a little girl and went to my mom for support or guidance, after an argument or a fight with a friend, she would always say: " Just ignore them, it will go away and things will be better tomorrow."
I lived my whole life with this belief. I even agreed with it until XH's abusive ways became to much. I allowed his behavior. I voiced my concerns but was totally ignored and later, blamed.

Do you believe this? That if you just ignore things they will get better…

If not, what have you done to change your behavior so that you are not living this anymore?

You may have voiced your concerns and you may have been ignored, but it is/was up to you to find a different way to express yourself so that you are/were heard…

Sometimes we have to go at things sideways.

I have, since, froze my heart to people who seem to demand things from me or seem to take control of event in my life.I will give freely with love but do not demand or you'll be turned down.

Is this really working for you?

How can you be loving if you freeze your heart to people?

You are living in a mode of self protection more than self confidence by doing this.

The new year is 1 hour away, here.

I'm all alone and feeling weird. I'm not depress, not angry, not sad, not happy. I'm confused.
I got all dressed up to go out and didn't have the courage to go by myself. I drove around town and came right back. All i could think about was at the beginning of all this, i did go out, 3 times, and felt out of place. I felt like i didn't belong.

This all began for you a long time ago. You still feel like you don’t belong places when you are alone?

What exactly are you afraid of?

I know MLC is depression but it doesn't excuse all the pain, the lies and betrail. I got depressed and DID NOT lie and cheat and abuse anyone. In my opinion, i feel it is all a form of control to have both side of the medals. Me at home, filling my duty as a wife( without emotional bound but not allowed to date) and mother, and OWs for the fun. NO RESPONSABILITIES on eighter side. Beautiful life.

No depression does not excuse the pain that they cause. However it is an explanation for it.

Think about it! Do they feel depress if no one confronts them?
Not for a minute. Their problem araise when someone puts their foot down witch is when they go crawling back to the other.

You are wrong.

They do feel the depression even when no one confronts them.

They feel guilt, shame, sorrow, and they have no idea how to make any of it any better which actually makes the depression worse.

Do you have any compassion at all for your H?

Or are you just so stuck in your own muck that you still feel like he is doing this TO you?

Just because you are experiencing the fallout of his MLC, does not mean that he is actually doing anything TO you.

I want my independance and self-esteem and self-confidence at 100 percent witch i do not have around XH

He isn’t around, so what is stopping you now?

My emotional state? I am petrified everytime i take a stand. Everytime i stand by my boundaries and everytime i reinforce the agreement we both signed.

What are you afraid of?

Is there a reason you should not stand up for yourself?

Possibly is it the way you are enforcing the boundries?

Boundaries are about what is best for you.

Honestly, for the longest time, I sukced at boundaries. Because I didn’t believe in them. I was too worried that I was being unfair to someone else. When I realized that by NOT setting or enforcing them, I was being unfair to myself, my thinking began to change. My feelings began to change.

I still don’t like having to enforce boundaries but I have no problem with it when they are necessary.

I have to get out of victim mode and fast because it is destroying me.

I am glad that you see this.

It is within all of the posts that I have quoted. And some that I didn't.

If you are really willing to give up the victim mode, true healing and growth can really begin.

I would start much further back that with your H though. I would start with your mom. Forgive her, undo some of lessons that she taught you and maybe you can begin to become unstuck…