Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

(mouth dropped open)

I am at a loss for words at this moment, I will need to read and re-read this AMAZING post, before I can respond.

I am overwhelmed at the care you chose to take by giving me such sound advice.I can't express how appreciative I am right now.

A quick response:
I live in Virginia, so PA isn't too far away, maybe I could go to that workshop on my weekend off. At least it's something to look into.

In regards to my health: I have a right to left ASD in my heart (common) with an enlarged right side pressures (uncommon). In addition, I my oxygen decrease to 80% whenever my heart rate reaches over 140 (and my resting rate is 110, so it's doesn't take much). With this chronic hypoxia, they are concerned about blood clots, and extra concerned that the blood clot could go across the hole and back into the blood stream, before being filtered by the lungs- and possibly cause a stroke. They are currently testing to discover the cause of the enlarged right side- 2 different pulmonologists think that it's 'pulmonary hypertension'. Unusual for my age, but non the less... apparently, the valve off the right side going to the lungs starts to close up for some reason (the triggers vary and aren't specific) so then the right side of the heart has to pump extra hard to get blood to flow to the lungs. It's degenerative, no cure- treated with steroids. Life expectancy (depending on drug effectiveness) is 10-20 years. I have a heart catheterization coming up to officially diagnose and another surgery to close the hole... then who knows what type of treatments/meds. I will need if I am officially diagnosed.
I do have a few things in my favor:
* my age. They say that the meds will probably be more effective on someone my age instead of the 'normal' patient whose in their 50's or 60's. One of my doctors even said he would love to write a piece on me (if I'm diagnosed) because of my unusual circumstances: age and ASD... that could be cool!
* the leading doctor for this disease- who discovered and named it 30 years ago- is at Duke Univ., only a 3.5 hour drive from me.

[probably more than you needed to know, but I felt the need to explain/clarify. And I apologize to any medical people out there if I butchered the explanation- it's my layman's terms so I can understand what's happening to me.]

My personal sitch has affected my health lately because of all the crying. I hyperventilate, which causes the oxygen to decrease and then I pass out. H has found me a few times (after a panic attack) lying on the floor. It doesn't take long before I'm awake and functioning again... but scary if no one is around. I would hate for my S6 to be the one who finds mommy on the floor. I can't wait to get this taken care of so I don't have to worry about not being there for my kids- especially with H leaving for a year.

I'm need to find my inner strength to not react to H and OW, to not speak what is on my mind, control my temper and filter it out somewhere else.... not only for my sanity but for my health too.