Too Little, Too late 3

[25yearsmlc]

CES: Thanks for checking on on me. I'm always surprised when people take their time to give me some attention, it's a comforting feeling.

Embrace the embrace you get here^^, and remember that in the grand scheme of things, most people are good at heart.

I'm going through the same craziness I felt when H dropped the bomb over a month ago... I know that there will come a time when my logic can overtake my emotions (because I've done it before), I'm really fighting it right now.


A lot of what you think is a rational fear is mostly just a fear. Fear based choices are never good ones.

There are some behavioral tips I'll post here that helped me when my mind was on the freeway and couldn't "take the damn exit ramp"...

you will need to take the exit soon so you can get to the "scenic overlook", take stock and NOT REACT - but make a "campaign plan" and implement it...

DB coaches are great for that, and if your IC isn't, ask her to be. You need "instructions" more or less.


I DO have a feeling of justice needing to be applied here. But you are exactly right, there's no way to accomplish that without making me look foolish and the bad guy. I wish I could put a 'scarlet letter' on them both and parade them through town.



Purg, First, be brave & strong now or you won't learn what you have to learn in order to make it....but look at this with all the honesty and insight you can, if only just for a minute...take a breath

& see how your h sees most of the past 6 years...and check your first post if you need to, but

if you want to get a scorecard out for justices/injustices in the marriage, would you really come out far ahead?


In his eyes, he has the high ground for now. [i]And for now, maybe he does. How can you change that? Change YOU...
[/i]

Per my Godsent DB coach
Hard lesson #1--it is NOT the spouses job to show their WAS the "consequences of their actions" or "teach them a lesson".

Aside from it looking punitive (which it is, and which you already know AND which backfires big time every time)

LIFE does this for us!

The WAS will learn the hard way if they choose a bad path & stay on it. They will face numerous explanations for how they met, and the KIDS WILL KNOW forever...and their r's w/their own children will never be what they could have been. YOU cannot be the one to tell them this, or predict it to your h, or you will be vilified and seen as the cause..whereas

instead, if you behave like the dignified woman who has been punched in the stomach but STILL picks herself up, dusts herself off, & puts her kids ahead of her pride without losing her self respect, YOU will prevail over time.


I logically know, that anything I attempt to do against this- will only create a unity between them and push them closer sooner.... but I can't stop my evil brain from making plans. For now, I have a short leash on it- I would rather kill it all together.

TIPS for congitive behavior therapy (aka 25's "mind control" secrets)

1) stop sign for evil thoughts....Put it in your head that you have to STOP this, and be discplined enough to stop it, if only for a few minutes at a time.

Enough repetition of that will eventually get you to avoid those thoughts altogether, or to rid yourself of them faster. It's almost like an OCD pattern and it can be changed or broken. Create a new one if you have to...(See below)

The evil thoughts of revenge do not help your cause. Granted, there are LBSers who LOVE exploring their anger & they would say, "it's the JUSTICE of it all!" and "but I'm RIGHT and they are wrong!!..."

but they forget that this is not about being right. It's about being happy

Revenge won't help your cause or even give you peace. It only appeals to your anger and that's NOT helping you, your body, your children or your m.

2) Every day in the shower or wherever you can gain some privacy, say out loud "God, I turn my pain and anger over to you. I lay this marriage in your hands"...

Some days, I said this literally 100 times, esp right before h would call. It helped calm me and thinking it, saying it and hearing it somehow make it sink in...

3) come up with other helpful mantras and do them as well. Such as

"I only control now and 'from this day forward'. Help me be my best NOW"...

I'd put some self help books or some of Marianne Williamson's books on my IPOD and would go on LONG walks (aka "25's Fury Marches") b/c she has written a lot on "Handling Fear & Anger" and though she's new agey for some, for ME she helped with this exact issue. HOW to let go and begin healing and forgiving...

And she had had her heart broken by a man who didn't really get how much he'd hurt her so in some ways it was weirder, you know?

Also had playlists for grief so sometimes I could let go and cry hard about it but only in a safe place. Often I'd get sick & tired of being sick & tired and I'd snap out of it if only for awhile. Most of us can only tolerate so much misery at a time. ( If this does not help you or if you immerse yourself in it for too long, or get too dark with it, then do NOT do it.)


In regards to how I'm reacting to his comments- I'm listening and validating. I do not defend, or make excuses. (in fact, H made a passing comment that I "didn't used to be so willing to listen"- so he notices.) I'm presenting the image I want to him- but I'm dying inside. I can't process all the emotions and thoughts that come up.


First of all- it IS mostly a positive that he's sharing these things, overrall, as much as it sukks to hear. Second, your reaction MATTERS so don't lose it or rant. I LOVE that he has noticed.

Adopt the two phrases that validate, without escalating, and which show change on YOUR End...

If he revises too much or you have no idea what he's referrring to-- don't blurt that out! I once thought my h was simply LYING about an event, but before I could say that out loud, my kids validated HIS version!

Thank God I stayed quiet in that moment b/c it was one of the few comments made in front of them--

plus - no offense--but your memory is either conveniently self serving when it comes to forgetting your outbursts AND OR

you had some untreated diagnosis that YOU WILL GET treatment for, so it will NOT keep happening, and he can trust that will change your behavior & it will be credible....make sense?

1) so for the marital revisions that surprise you, you say

"H, I don't recall it that way (or at all) but I'm so sorry you were hurt/upset."

2) for the memories he brings up that are valid, the fights or the times he was hurt that you recall or believe, or concede are possible, say

"Sorry H, if I could do it all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

Both responses validate, and honor his views, without making you a doormat and both show that you have insight and are able to change.

That's where the lack of friends comes into play, and I get lower and lower.


GAL and reaching out are the cures to this^^^....make it so. I know that's not always easy but it is simple; not complex. IT will also absolutely help with the cognitive work you want to do so you can stop cycling in anger and despair. I think there is on post support for you there and clubs to join and people to meet. Try not to be alone so much so you don't spiral negatively.


I do have a few plans lined up next week to try some new things and meet new people... This week is H's week off, so I can GAL because of the kids.

I can't tell you how much it means to know that there are strangers out there who care and understand my pain. Thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart.

You are very welcome. I had the vital help of some peeps on this board who remain here btw, from time to time. THey guided me through this and gave me hope.

Why do I believe there is hope in your sitch? (yes I do believe that)

B/c as the mother of his children, the choice to be with OW (or "DIP OP" or aka POS bf) means that he must justify it often.

IF your changes are real and lasting, and not merely tactics to get him back,

that gets to be VERY difficult to sustain. Essentially he'll have to tell himself

"So what if she's great and all I ever wanted her to be, now,

and so what if the kids miss her and she misses them and I broke up my family? I deserve HAPPINESS!!" --and that gets harder to say out loud to others and to yourself...it just does.

It begins to sound hollow and shallow and pretty damn selfish.

But know that just as that WAW felt about her h's "new outlook", for now, he does not believe your changes are lasting, but that they are tactics.

Only consistent change + sufficient time = Him believing the changes are real.


Whenever you lash out at him or rant, you confirm that it's just a tactic.

When you disparage Dip Op, you put him in the position of having to defend her. Bad idea.

I would probably never mention her...seriously, I would not at this time, view her as anything but a "less than me, not worthy of mentioning"-- she's a wishy washy opportunist who does NOT have the stomach for a long distance r with a new guy without a guaranteed return.

I don't see her having the fortitude of being newly single and not exploring other men...(heck, in her shoes - there's no way I would not date if I just got my freedom back.)

She's thinking "yeah you're a great guy but um, you want me to wait around for you for a YEAR while you are sep from your family--and w who seems to be all groovy and calm now--b/c you SAY you are sure you want out, & you think you want to have a real r with me later on - but in the meantime I get to be lonely b/c I just lost my fake bff and now I can't date?? Gee that sounds appealing.

(And with her "character", I think he'll be surprised at how bad betrayal feels...)


Plus, when he contacts you and the kids, while I'd be scarce at first, b/c it's easier to notice changes when there is some space/time apart (as opposed to daily contact which I happen to think is a slower way to show changes b/c it's harder to create mystery)

then I'd reveal the new you in pieces.

Part of that is going to be the "UBER ZEN Purg" who does NOT lose her cool or lash out b/c hey, she's different now...

she has evolved, and changed. She has all the great attractive traits that he fell in love with, but with a maturity and compassion and serenity she may have lacked at times before.

And I'd create mystery big time...if he brings up working to support yourself, you act as if you assumed that all along and you are looking forward to getting back out there and meeting NEW PEOPLE...

don't assume for a minute that he won't have regrets if he thinks, "Hey purg is all calm and appealing now and i went thru hell with her, just so she can NOW be all I wanted with some other guy?" But if you rant/rave, he'll feel relief to be gone and totally validated in his choice to leave.

I'm assuming you are getting an ablation of an arrythmia? IF so, they don't sukk as much as they sound like they will--just a guess on my end.

But I'd use the illness or health scare for added credibility for your changes & so it's not all about HIM, (which appears more tactical than lasting)

I'd use the health scares as another reason for the introspection and new found perspective on life. And LIFE IS SHORT...how do you want to spend yours?


Finally, I love this analogy.

Say someone asked you "What if your life were a novel? Who is writing yours? How do you want the next chapter to go?"

What are your answers? So, be the author of your life. Don't let someone else write in your book with their actions or words. Don't give away your power.

PS I don't know where you are assigned but look up Essential Experience in Philadelphia and see if you can attend one of their workshops. They are life changing and profound. For someone in your shoes they'd be particularly useful. And they're not weird or culty.


For now, and "from this day forward", be your best self.
I think there's a good reason those words are in our marriage vows.