What you don't seem to get is most of my story that i have posted happened in the past 2 years. Maybe, i should have put dates on them! I am making changes, i am taking charge of my life and i am setting boundaries. My emotional state? I am petrified everytime i take a stand. Everytime i stand by my boundaries and everytime i reinforce the agreement we both signed.
I am feeling stronger and less conflicted. I see alot of positive in my future. I keep moving forward....
I'm going back into councelling. I have to get out of victim mode and fast because it is destroying me. I can't seem to be able to forgive him and by not doing so, i stay tied to him.
I don't want him back, i don't want anything to do with him and i resent him for all the damage and abuse he inflicted on us. I feel fuc*ed.
I am jaleous of him. I feel like, if it wasn't for me being there and doing everything kids and house related, could he do all this crap? To this day, i feel the same. When i have a clear mind, i know his life is lacking the important "aspect of life". The family core.
When i set little goals and fail, my thinking can become negative for days. I go right back into feeling worthless and unworthy.
I WILL BEAT THIS!
Thank you for your 2x6's. Hi,hi! I'll keep you posted. For now, i have an appointment to make.
Counselling can help, but what is going to be more important is your resolve to see YOURSELF through this. Sometimes, when asked how I did something, or how I got myself to a place where ... whatever ... my answer is I JUST DID. None of this is easy, but most of it is simple.
Choices. Clarity.
So you don't want to a be a victim anymore, good. What does that look like? How will you know when you are no longer being the victim?
For now, stop worrying about whether or not you want him back. Let's take the focus off of him all together for now ... anger and resentment won't serve you well E2B, forgiveness brings you PEACE. But it's a process.
Baby steps.
Did you make your appt?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
i know where my conduct comes from. I've known for quite some times. When i was a little girl and went to my mom for support or guidance, after an argument or a fight with a friend, she would always say: " Just ignore them, it will go away and things will be better tomorrow." I lived my whole life with this belief. I even agreed with it until XH's abusive ways became to much. I allowed his behavior. I voiced my concerns but was totally ignored and later, blamed.
Do you believe this? That if you just ignore things they will get better…
If not, what have you done to change your behavior so that you are not living this anymore?
You may have voiced your concerns and you may have been ignored, but it is/was up to you to find a different way to express yourself so that you are/were heard…
Sometimes we have to go at things sideways.
Originally Posted By: e2b
I have, since, froze my heart to people who seem to demand things from me or seem to take control of event in my life.I will give freely with love but do not demand or you'll be turned down.
Is this really working for you?
How can you be loving if you freeze your heart to people?
You are living in a mode of self protection more than self confidence by doing this.
Originally Posted By: e2b
The new year is 1 hour away, here.
I'm all alone and feeling weird. I'm not depress, not angry, not sad, not happy. I'm confused. I got all dressed up to go out and didn't have the courage to go by myself. I drove around town and came right back. All i could think about was at the beginning of all this, i did go out, 3 times, and felt out of place. I felt like i didn't belong.
This all began for you a long time ago. You still feel like you don’t belong places when you are alone?
What exactly are you afraid of?
Originally Posted By: e2b
I know MLC is depression but it doesn't excuse all the pain, the lies and betrail. I got depressed and DID NOT lie and cheat and abuse anyone. In my opinion, i feel it is all a form of control to have both side of the medals. Me at home, filling my duty as a wife( without emotional bound but not allowed to date) and mother, and OWs for the fun. NO RESPONSABILITIES on eighter side. Beautiful life.
No depression does not excuse the pain that they cause. However it is an explanation for it.
Originally Posted By: e2b
Think about it! Do they feel depress if no one confronts them? Not for a minute. Their problem araise when someone puts their foot down witch is when they go crawling back to the other.
You are wrong.
They do feel the depression even when no one confronts them.
They feel guilt, shame, sorrow, and they have no idea how to make any of it any better which actually makes the depression worse.
Do you have any compassion at all for your H?
Or are you just so stuck in your own muck that you still feel like he is doing this TO you?
Just because you are experiencing the fallout of his MLC, does not mean that he is actually doing anything TO you.
Originally Posted By: e2b
I want my independance and self-esteem and self-confidence at 100 percent witch i do not have around XH
He isn’t around, so what is stopping you now?
Originally Posted By: e2b
My emotional state? I am petrified everytime i take a stand. Everytime i stand by my boundaries and everytime i reinforce the agreement we both signed.
What are you afraid of?
Is there a reason you should not stand up for yourself?
Possibly is it the way you are enforcing the boundries?
Boundaries are about what is best for you.
Honestly, for the longest time, I sukced at boundaries. Because I didn’t believe in them. I was too worried that I was being unfair to someone else. When I realized that by NOT setting or enforcing them, I was being unfair to myself, my thinking began to change. My feelings began to change.
I still don’t like having to enforce boundaries but I have no problem with it when they are necessary.
Originally Posted By: e2b
I have to get out of victim mode and fast because it is destroying me.
I am glad that you see this.
It is within all of the posts that I have quoted. And some that I didn't.
If you are really willing to give up the victim mode, true healing and growth can really begin.
I would start much further back that with your H though. I would start with your mom. Forgive her, undo some of lessons that she taught you and maybe you can begin to become unstuck…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You know, as single mom, going through a divorce, and dealing with issues from stbx that still come up....I feel DAMN OVERWHELMED alot of the time. Damn overwhelmed!
Lord have I been stuck a time or two through out this whole thing. Nothing is fair, it feels like you against the world, and how can you fight the world when you don't have anyone taking care of you?
You said you want your independence and self esteem back 100%, but you don't have it when he's around. Time to take control, and quit worrying about him, and upsetting him when sticking to this agreement you signed. Look at what it's doing to you by being afraid of taking a stand? Maybe less ripples in the water on the surface, but what is it doing to you on the inside?
I agree with cat about the boundaries. In the long run the person it hurts is ourselves if we don't stick to them. Having healthy boundaries doesn't make us bad, it makes us smart! Boundaries you have need to vary per situation. Some need to be rock hard while others can be more flexible.
I have to admit, when i realized how victumized I felt and how i was getting a little stuck, well something changed inside of me. I realized that regardless of the emotional devastation that I've suffered through stbx MLC, as beat up and battered as I felt, that I had the choice to be in control of myself and NOT STAND DOWN TO THIS CRAP.
I went to counseling too and it really helped me alot. For me, what I found out was how codependent I had come with my H even before MLC hit. Guess where the real co dependent stuff started? With my mom. Serious issues like abandonment also really hit me like a ton of bricks too when MLC started. As I took the time to feel these emotions, and think about them, I saw how I brought them into my marriage, unintentionally of course.
And guess what? Had H not spun out of here like an F-5 tornado and leave me with the aftermath, I don't think I ever would've explored these issues, at least not for a long time.
Now, Im finding the good that's come out of this ordeal, for me.
Do I still hurt at times? You betcha. Hell I was balling this weekend listening to music that takes me back to when I was 18 years old.
I still get angry and frustrated. But when I stand back and see it for what it really is....I then am no angry.
You're doing great ETB....you're going to be just fine! Yes focus on you and dear god if you can stay as far away from that man as possible. NC is the true healer.
You are living in a mode of self protection rather than self confidence
Cat, your long post to ETB - which contained much good advice, was worth reading for this single gem. Yes, I believe that we learn to do this to survive, at various points of our life, and our finding or re-finding that self confidence is hugely important. It helps us to eject our spouses from living rent free in our heads. We have the courage to get on with our lives, which is the surest way to self fulfillment and happiness. They aren't stopping us, we are stopping ourselves, however much we are overwhelmed with responsibility both emotional and financial for our children, property, work and so on.
It is a reminder to me to keep going on and grabbing life with both hands [without shoving and pushing of course, we are nice people here!] as well as being authentic to who i really am, and not trying to be someone else. But we sometimes use that as an excuse for doing nothing.
Still going to IC. Making big progress. She asked me a question that has been in my mind for quite some times now: Is it that you can't accept this has happened to YOU or you can't accept this HAS HAPPENED TO HIM?
He has changed so much that i don't recognize him anymore and I MISS THE MAN HE USED TO BE!!!!!!!!!!
I am very sadden but the 3 "C" rule apply:
We did not Cause this, We cannot Control it and we cannot Cure it.
NC has been on for a little over 2 months and last tuesday, an unrelevant phone call. ( i was surprised ) Today, another one. ???????????
Myself: I can't wait for summer. I spend alot of time with my sister. We are having a blast. Renovating both of our houses and making plans for summer. We are planning a trip to attend a wedding at the end of June.( my nephew). This will be our first trip ( me and the kids ). Everyone is excited.
Life is good! My son will be going on a grade8 field trip to Ottawa-Montreal also in June. D16 got herself 2 jobs. She is doing really well. D11 is starting to foundraise her own field trip that will be happening next June.( she will be 13 by then) D9 is happy go lucky as always.
Have a nice day everyone! I'll keep you posted if any new devellopment arise.
