I think I have taken all of this feedback and decided to make one of two decisions.
1.) Just let the letter idea die or
2.) Keep it incredibly short and try to stick to some of the key points 25 made
The original "draft" I put together was 4 pages type written - single space. Probably too much. Lord knows that would look like a Tolstoy novel if I wrote it all on hand.
I am doing my best to exercise patience and control, I just feel like the more time that passes, the further removed she gets from me and any real estate I had in her heart starts to contract. DB is tough. I never really know the right things to do, especially when it comes to communiction about the relationship - which I have totally avoided. DB would suggest just pull back and wait for her to come to you. I DON'T KNOW if her asking for this was her "coming to me" or not. I want it to be that - but maybe I want it too much.
I just feel like doing nothing but giving distance (Which I have been doing)is harming and not helping - though I CAN see the case that can be made about giving space and time. I am so lost. I just want my W and S back, and I don't know how to go about it.
Hi Crimson, Been following some of your thread - honestly haven't been able to read all your posts (you're too prolific!), but enough to know you and I share a lot in common. And man, I have to tell you, I really feel for you. I can identify with what you are going through.
One of the things I tell myself, when I am feeling strong and not wallowing in my self pity, is that this isn't the end of my M. It is a transition, like a caterpillar entering a cocoon to transition into a butterfly. My M - and yours - needs to change to reach its potential. It's scary as hell - change always is, and these changes are particularly so. But the benefits are huge. Imagine having the M you always dreamed of. Now realize that was very unlikely if you and your W kept going the way you were.
So I tell myself that this time apart from my W is there for me to make all the necessary changes to prepare for the next step in our M. I have to identify what I need to change in me to be the H my W wants, then make those changes. And here's the DB kicker - those changes are not just about saving my M, they're about making me a better person.
Another way to look at it is that your M is already over - and if you want your W back, you're going to have to start over with her from scratch and rebuild a completely new and different relationship. I know my W appears hell-bent on finishing the D, and the more I resist the more she wants it to happen. So I'm beginning to think in terms of years for my reconciliation, instead of weeks or months. And it may be post-D that we reunite.
Use this time to improve yourself! Use your free time to do the positive things you couldn't do when your time was focused on your family - get a second job, go to school, hit the gym - whatever, just make it productive.
And hang in there. Direct your focus on how you can benefit by this situation and your outlook with improve. For myself, I know I am a different (and I believe better) father for my kids now that I don't have to worry about how the W would want me to handle things. Although I am devastated for my kids having to go through this, in the long run they may benefit by being exposed to me in this way instead of the way I was in the M.
People who had been though this kept telling me "It will get better in time", and I heard it so often I started resenting it. But it is true. Try not to focus on what you've lost, but what you have to gain - personally, as a father, and as a H.
Be well
Me 46 W 36 D6 (son) & D2 (daughter) M 5 T 8 handed Div papers 6/16/11 OM confirmed 10/31/11
I put together was 4 pages type written - single space
Yeah... the first image that popped into my head when I read that passage was the letters that the guy in the movie "Seven" wrote... that can't be a good thing
Quote:
DB would suggest just pull back and wait for her to come to you.
Kind of where I'm at... nothing seems to sway her from the course, so I surrender... which is sort of what everyone's been saying to do anyway. Surrender to the situation and let the river flow. This too shall pass. Focus on your life. I'm working to focus on mine. If she wants to interact we do... but I limit because frankly I can't take a lot of it anyway without hurting.
I find I'm happiest when I'm doing stuff... either stuff for me or stuff with S. And I'd really prefer to be happy. So go be happy. Realize that life with W and S isn't going to happen, at least not now, and find a happiness that isn't there.
Right now about the only time I really get sad is when I see how this is impacting my S, SS, or SD and causing them pain. Here and there I feel the sadness of rejection and loss of my W, but honestly that does get better.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
You might consider letting the letter die. She knows how you feel.
Remember what was posted....."words are easily misinterpreted...actions rarely are..."
If I could do one thing over under the same circumstances, it would be to STFU. I mean it. I wouldn't say sh!t once the bomb was dropped. Actions speak louder than any words...and I'd let my actions do the talking. Whether she was receptive to them or not would be something that I could not control.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Problem is, Antlers - we never SEE each other. Just during brief baby exchanges. How are actions visible then? I see that as a MAJOR challenge in my situation. Regardless, I am doingthe best that I can with actions - it's really all I have.
And honestly, I'm not sure she knows how I feel at all, Antlers. The last time we had a R talk, I was a blubbering mess - that was months ago. Now she just sees me as happy to be without her. We have not said a THING about the R since then, really.
Maybe I am just hitting a frustration point - like I am running full speed into a wall in this DB process.
Believe it or not, that's attractive to her. She knows you care about her and she knows you want to save the marriage...believe me. And btw, if you really are happy right now...that's a real good thing Crimson...regardless of anything else.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
How? How is that attractive to her ????? I'll be the first to admit I am dumb as a sock load of oranges here, but how does she make the connection "I leave. Wow. He is happy, how do I get in on that? "
Clearly, my ability to understand this leaves me as confused as Boo Radley. I just wonder what the psychology behind this is.
How does she know I want to save the M of she thinks I am happier without it? No hostile here, just truly confused.
