Update. Went to the counselling session - W had a PA. They've been at it as recently as last Wednesday, us in the morning, OG in the afternoon, it's been going on for 3 months, the EA for about 6 months. This is so painful. When she fessed up there was a lot of tears. She's saying things like: I've always said I'm married before, why did I let it get this far, why couldn't you have changed like this earlier. And I should have changed earlier, I was always right, always had the stronger opinion, put her down a lot at least I've learned an incredible amount about myself and how a wife should be put on a pedestal.
Not sure where to go from here. She's at her mums tonight, I requested that as I've nowhere to go and everything I love, including our kids are at our home. She agreed to that, we'll speak tomorrow.
Hanging for my books to get here. Ok, I wont' tell OW.
How bad was it before? Honestly, I thought not all that bad. There was never any physical violence, we went to dinner's, I bought flowers every now and then, romantic surprises. But we argued regularly, a lot of financial frustrations and the conversation would often end with me throwing up my hands and saying stuff like, 'you're an idiot'. The other thing she's raised is that I never compliment her or elevate her when we are in public together, and now I can see that I've shot down her self esteem. After many of these arguments I had asked for us to go to counselling but she wouldn't be in it.
Forgive? I don't know, I think so. The counselor said she'd need to tell this OM it's over in front of someone else and leave her job. If she could do this I think I could, but how do I know he doesn't pursue her even when she's left, he's said to her he's willing to leave his wife for her. She lied about this, she could as easily lie about not hearing from him again.
Am I supposed to just take her in my arms and give her all the things she's craving? If not will she still be hungry for him?
So I can't get the OG out of my mind, and can't get to sleep. I asked W when they were last physical, it was last week in the afternoon, after we had been physical in the morning. I picture the two of them together, he lives in the area, I want to track him down, or 'bump' into him on the way to work. When I picture us reconciling I see her still thinking about him, comparing.
And Mach1, Rick1963, Kaffe Diem, Ces67, cat04 thank you all, you are making such a difference for me.
How bad, I just realised this. I used to go out drinking after work pretty regularly. There were many nights where W would pick me up from the train station at midnight smashed. She never asked where I'd been or what I was doing, she'd just come and get me. I just saw it as relieving the stress of the week, the kids would see me in this state sometimes. This went on for a long time, I loved her for being there for me, she never said what it was doing to her. I never cheated on her. I broke that cycle just over a year ago.
Has there ever been an EA/PA from either of you in the past?
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After many of these arguments I had asked for us to go to counseling but she wouldn't be in it.
What reason did she give for not going to counseling?
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The counselor said she'd need to tell this OM it's over in front of someone else and leave her job. If she could do this I think I could, but how do I know he doesn't pursue her even when she's left, he's said to her he's willing to leave his wife for her. She lied about this, she could as easily lie about not hearing from him again.
Unless your W convinces OM that she no longer wantshim, he probably will continue to pursue. If she tells him that she's breaking it off to try to save the M, etc., then that is telling him that the door is still open. It's more of "I don't want you. I want my H." kind of thing.
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Am I supposed to just take her in my arms and give her all the things she's craving? If not will she still be hungry for him?
Are you saying that is why she's involved with this OM, is b/c she wasn't getting what she craved from you?
Let me put it this way, you will be extremely lucky if that's all you have to do.....just take her in your arms and give her what she craves.
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So I can't get the OG out of my mind, and can't get to sleep. I asked W when they were last physical, it was last week in the afternoon, after we had been physical in the morning. I picture the two of them together, he lives in the area, I want to track him down, or 'bump' into him on the way to work. When I picture us reconciling I see her still thinking about him, comparing.
But you wanted her to admit to a PA, remember? You wanted to hear the truth, but now you can't handle the truth.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Forgive? I don't know, I think so. The counselor said she'd need to tell this OM it's over in front of someone else and leave her job. If she could do this I think I could, but how do I know he doesn't pursue her even when she's left, he's said to her he's willing to leave his wife for her. She lied about this, she could as easily lie about not hearing from him again.
3,
There are no actions that she can do that will allow you to forgive her.
Forgivness is a gift that you give to yourself.
It allows you to step away from the anger and keep yourself from becoming a resident of Bittersville.
It is also something that you should pursue regardless of whether she gives up OM and you reconcile, or you D and she continues a R with him or someone else.
Honestly, if you aren't capable of finding forgivness, even if she does everything the counselor said, the reconciliation will be short lived or miserable at best. Because you will always harbor that mistrust and resentment within you.
Originally Posted By: 3
So I can't get the OG out of my mind, and can't get to sleep. I asked W when they were last physical, it was last week in the afternoon, after we had been physical in the morning. I picture the two of them together, he lives in the area, I want to track him down, or 'bump' into him on the way to work. When I picture us reconciling I see her still thinking about him, comparing.
So you got more info than you bargained for. It takes time to digest this stuff. It does get better.
I can almost guarantee that the demons in your head are larger than the reality of the situation.
Now you need to find a way to quiet them.
Read the books when you get them. Take time to look within yourself to find the reasons behind the bad behaviors you displayed in your M. Heal those things.
You can make changes and do all of the "right" things, however, if you don't mean them, if you don't believe in those actions, she will know.
Counseling is great. Personally, I don't believe it is the end all be all of anything though. Until a person is ready to do the work on themselves, all the counseling in the world is just time spent talking. I have known many people who have been in counseling for years, and they are no better than they were before they started.
You seem to be at the point where you are willing to try to do the work. To make the necessary changes, to learn the lessons that you need to learn (and we all have lessons that we need to learn from life and these situations), you will need to be brutally honest with yourself. You will have to be patient with yourself. You will have to be patient with her and the situation.
This mess didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed that quickly either.
It can be done though. I can tell you that it is a journey worth taking.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
In my opinion telling the OM's wife is morally imperative. By not informing her you are keeping a secret from her and are actively protecting the affair. OMW deserves to know what is happening to her life and to make her own choices accordingly. You telling her the truth won't hurt her, her husband's actions have already done that.
And as aside, in my experience the vast majority of the time when caught an OM will run back to his wife and cutout without a second thought his "side action", which happens to be your wife. Conversely, I have observed that this is not true of most WW. Some will drop their affair when caught, but most have developed a strong emotional bond to their affair partner and will only consider stopping an affair when they become overwhelmed with negative consequences. Moving out is a negative consequence, but moving out temporarily to give hubby some space and using this as an opportunity for more time with OM is definitely not a negative consequence.
