Never thought I'd be here.......part 5

[gonnawinherback]

Hi Crimson,
Been following some of your thread - honestly haven't been able to read all your posts (you're too prolific!), but enough to know you and I share a lot in common. And man, I have to tell you, I really feel for you. I can identify with what you are going through.

One of the things I tell myself, when I am feeling strong and not wallowing in my self pity, is that this isn't the end of my M. It is a transition, like a caterpillar entering a cocoon to transition into a butterfly. My M - and yours - needs to change to reach its potential. It's scary as hell - change always is, and these changes are particularly so. But the benefits are huge. Imagine having the M you always dreamed of. Now realize that was very unlikely if you and your W kept going the way you were.

So I tell myself that this time apart from my W is there for me to make all the necessary changes to prepare for the next step in our M. I have to identify what I need to change in me to be the H my W wants, then make those changes. And here's the DB kicker - those changes are not just about saving my M, they're about making me a better person.

Another way to look at it is that your M is already over - and if you want your W back, you're going to have to start over with her from scratch and rebuild a completely new and different relationship. I know my W appears hell-bent on finishing the D, and the more I resist the more she wants it to happen. So I'm beginning to think in terms of years for my reconciliation, instead of weeks or months. And it may be post-D that we reunite.

Use this time to improve yourself! Use your free time to do the positive things you couldn't do when your time was focused on your family - get a second job, go to school, hit the gym - whatever, just make it productive.

And hang in there. Direct your focus on how you can benefit by this situation and your outlook with improve. For myself, I know I am a different (and I believe better) father for my kids now that I don't have to worry about how the W would want me to handle things. Although I am devastated for my kids having to go through this, in the long run they may benefit by being exposed to me in this way instead of the way I was in the M.

People who had been though this kept telling me "It will get better in time", and I heard it so often I started resenting it. But it is true. Try not to focus on what you've lost, but what you have to gain - personally, as a father, and as a H.

Be well