M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Yeah, I so wanted to suggest self-help books to H since that is all I've been reading lately. H actually knows about the "5 love languages". I read that a couple of weeks ago and brought it up to him. After reading the book I guessed what H primary and secondary love languages were, then H took the test and I was right. Of course now every time H brings up R talk he makes sure to mention that he has known my love languages before I knew what they were.
In my last entry I mentioned a somewhat positive interaction with H. Friday night I went to a movie with a friend. It was good to get out. When I got home H was watching TV. I joined him and tried to have a casual conversation. Then, I got the hint that H was in a grumpy mood and told him I'd leave him alone and went to bed. Later he actually came to bed and stayed the night. I think it was only because he wanted to ML. As always, after he gets too close he has to pull away, so the rest of the weekend was kind of meh. The next two nights he stayed on the couch. I'm having a hard time with him going back the couch after sleeping in bed. The last few nights when he's not in bed, I've pushed his pillow off the bed (way to let out my anger on the pillow). This morning he actually asked why I keep pushing his pillow off the bed, and I just said I didn't need it.
As in my last few posts, I'm having a hard time with patience. I am getting tired of this waiting game. In fact, I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for. Am I waiting for H to say that he wants to work on our M? Are there certain words or signs that I'm waiting for? Sure, I can keep at this waiting game for a while, but when will I know that he wants me? He is so stubborn that he wouldn't want to make the "first" step, and I don't want to pursue or pressure him to make a decision.
I'm also noticing a little pattern where he will "come closer" if I act like I've had enough or seem frustrated and walk away. H might find me later and want to "talk". This morning he washed the few dishes in the sink, which he normally would never touch in the morning.
H stil thinks that it'll never work and says how he's done all of this stuff for me and I did nothing. H is starting to sound like a broken record. He tells me this every time he brings up R. H is trying to validate his thoughts of us not being right for each by coming up with the silliest examples. Yesterday he said that after 2 weeks of marriage I was nagging at him for something and he should have known then that we were not right for each other. In his opinion, every disagreement we've ever had was an indication that we were not going to last. I don't know what planet he's from or what he's been smoking. I don't know if he really believes that a perfect R is one without disagreements. Yes, we may not have learned the right ways to deal with disagreements, but it doesn't matter who you ask, they are natural and healthy.
I think I need to review the DR book and the changes that I want to make. I feel like I'm backsliding and losing touch with my goals. And when that happens, I start to wonder why I'm doing this and how long I should put up with rejection. I need to get back on track.
nhmom, I feel that our situations, though different are quiet similar. Sometimes in your posts i actually think you are talking about my H.
When you said this: H is trying to validate his thoughts of us not being right for each by coming up with the silliest examples.
That is my situation. My H actually said to me we sit on separate couches and that meant our relationship wasn't going anywhere. he said we never do anything (but seems to forget all about the dinners out, movies, cooking together, going to parties, sea kayaking and travel - all of which we have done in the past 6 months)
I constantly ask myself the question what am i waiting for and if i'm waiting because i don't believe the words he is telling me or am i waiting because the words he is telling me are so irrational that this can't be it
H is sitting there playing around with a budget again, asking me how much his credit card payments are per month, etc. I try not to say anything, but he can detect that I'm pissed in my voice. I grab the computer and go to the bedroom. H asks why I'm so mad and whether I understand why he's doing it. Go ahead, move out. See how reality treats you. I just feel like crying right now, but trying to keep myself together (at least until I go to bed and then maybe cry myself to sleep).
"H stil thinks that it'll never work and says how he's done all of this stuff for me and I did nothing. H is starting to sound like a broken record. He tells me this every time he brings up R. H is trying to validate his thoughts of us not being right for each by coming up with the silliest examples."
Please stop listening to him. He does not know what he is saying or doing.
I know its near impossible but pretend you are an actress and act like the world is la di da in front of him.
The more you can act happy the sooner he will come back.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Sounds like we are all on the same roller coaster, how's the view from your seat?
I was just learning to detach right after Christmas... and then I got another bomb (my BFF is OW) I'm trying to figure out how to get back to that place... because I've already seen a glimpse of it... but it's extra hard now that I don't have my BFF as a source of venting and comfort.
I can totally relate to 'leaving the room' and him acting confused. Do they really expect that we can sit around and look at them while feeling all this pain/anger?!?! It's always been amazing to me how the WAS can seem to 'detach' the second they say the words: "I'm done." It's like they have a magic switch that turns off all emotional connections to us.
Don't feel guilty for protecting yourself, and keeping yourself from saying what you really want to say. I will sometimes go into my bathroom and lock the door. My H used to think that i was sick a lot and asked why I was always disappearing to the bathroom at random times.... I finally explained to him that it's the only way I can protect myself sometimes- he doesn't ask anymore.
I was reading back over your posts, and I realized I never answered your question about the "tools" that I now have to keep me from backsliding... it sounds silly and extreme, but this is what my C developed for me, and it works: If I feel myself wanting to *react* to a statement or action from my H (and normally i would blow up at him), I have to wait 24 hours before I can respond. During that time, I can journal or cry or whatever else I need to do to get rid of the adrenaline that came on because of my reaction. Then, after the time period, one of two things will happen: 1. I will have realized that the issue wasn't that big of a deal and my journaling would have been enough to get out the frustration. 2. If I still feel hurt/angry about the previous day, I'm allowed to approach H with my feelings. But what I noticed is this: There was no longer anger and venom in my words. I was calm and rational- H actually *heard* my words (not the tone of my voice) and we were always able to discuss and come to an understanding.
I only wish I had learned this "24 hour rule" long before my M was on the brink. I've come to a point now, where I don't have to wait that long before I can jump from emotional brain into rational brain and I can approach the issue sooner. [although not currently because of the new OW issue... I've already done the things I shouldn't have- time to go back to "24 hour rule"]
Give it a try, maybe it will help you too
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
BklynMom - maybe I need to take an acting class as part of my GAL? I've realized that I am really bad at acting and hiding my feelings. Why do these emotions get in the way? Why do my eyes swell up with tears so easily?
Purg - Thanks for sharing your tools. I will have to give it a try.
I really think that there must be OW for H to say what he says and to act the way he does. This is not the man I have known for the past 13 years and nobody can turn off feeling at the flip of a switch. I'm very discouraged at the fact of OW because I can't do anything about it and an A can last months (well, apparently the average length of an affair is 2 years). And while OW or thoughts of OW are in the pictures, H will not come to his senses. The thing is, if he moves out, then that means that I will have to find a new place to live, too. I will not be able to pay rent for our current apartment by myself. So lots of planning to do in the near future. H wants to split things 50/50 or with what we came into R. Umm, EVERYTHING we have we bought together, so yeah, why don't we cut our bed in half? Funny, H never mentioned D, just all the other stuff that lead to it.
Last night I had the Chumbawamba - Tubthumping song stuck in my head. I thought S4 would like it so I played it for him. He thought it was awesome. He loved the "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You never gonna keep me down" part. I love that S4 and I can have fun together and be silly.
