Too Little, Too late 3

[ces67]

Hey Purg - Feeling the anger and frustration for you and with you. So sorry for all this. You've got some great advice from people here. It will take time for it to sink in because your emotions are fighting against your reasoning. You're going to have to make a choice on which one leads your decisions. Keep focus on which route makes you a better you.

IMHO, your focus really needs to be on yourself right now and not the M. You're hurt and reeling and feel a strong need for "justice" against the H and OW for how they've treated you. That's called being human. The hard part is you don't have a way to bring justice and accomplish what you want.

Its kind of like those movies where the guy goes out to seek vengence but when he does, he's still not happy.

Follow up with your IC and increase the meetings if you need to. That may be your best source of support right now. Not sure if a church is an option for you but you may be able to find one with divorce support groups or something like that so you can make some new (and more real) friends.

A few other things. Regardless of how quaint it sounds, absence does NOT make the hard grow fonder. If anything it takes even more work to stay connected so try not to worry too much about H and OW relationship - there's a strong chance it will fade on its own soon enough.

You said...
Over the past few days (since H told me about his feelings for her), he's been more vocal about his hurts when he initiates R talk. These are the things I hear:
* You really hurt me. I can't get past that.
* Why did it take me walking away for you to do anything about it?
* I always told you what I needed, and you didn't do anything.
* I've felt lonely for 6 years, and I'm done being lonely.
* I've come to realize that I still really care about you, and I want to be there for you [medically and emotionally] but at the level I'm comfortable with.
* I don't want you out of my life, I've just changed your role. As my friend, you can't hurt me- you don't have to do the things a lover does and I can't get hurt by you.
Is it positive that he's unloading all this on me? Is he rationalizing his choice to move onto my friend? Is he telling me the things that she does, that I didn't do? What do I do with this new insight from him?

From the book, this can be a good thing. He's opening up, but it is also critical in how YOU respond.

My W said many of the same things. It hurts and I use to argue with her and defend my actions. That did not help. It didn't get me to my goal. So rather than feeling sorry for myself I started listening and validating her feelings. They are her feelings and there is no way to tell a person that's not how they are feeling.

Its rough because he wants to keep you around but not in the way you want. You can't control him. But if you want to work on your M, then him wanting to keep you around creates an opportunity. But you will have to work hard to take advantage of it and work on yourself and not the M. Make you the goal and there is better hope for the M.

A friend of mine posted this as their status on FB today. I think its fitting... Hang on. You have the strength for this but it will be the fight of your life...(((((Purg)))))

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.