Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

Thanks everyone. I feel awful because I haven't contributed to other's threads in a while, I just don't want to be a negative presence for everyone else right now.

Rick- thanks for suggesting to focus on the irrational ones, I'll really try. Thanks for not making me feel horrible for having the negative thoughts- I hope I'm not the only one who does this.

labug- yes, I do have an IC. We meet on mondays, and I haven't seen her since before Xmas because of holidays and she was sick... really suxx. We also have a MC that we check in with as needed... I'm thinking she might like to hear about this new development.

You bring up a good point- nothing has *changed* except 'dip-op' is now in the picture (btw- I LOVE that nickname!). To me- this seems like the rules have changed- because now I have 'competition' in a way. I realize that it shouldn't affect any changes that I have already done, and should continue to do... I just now find it really hard to keep my mouth shut from the snippy, smart @ss comments that flow through my head. Even though I know there is nothing good that came come from it (and in fact all it does is make me look bad) I need to get them out of my head.

Over the past few days (since H told me about his feelings for her), he's been more vocal about his hurts when he initiates R talk. These are the things I hear:
* You really hurt me. I can't get past that.
* Why did it take me walking away for you to do anything about it?
* I always told you what I needed, and you didn't do anything.
* I've felt lonely for 6 years, and I'm done being lonely.
* I've come to realize that I still really care about you, and I want to be there for you [medically and emotionally] but at the level I'm comfortable with.
* I don't want you out of my life, I've just changed your role. As my friend, you can't hurt me- you don't have to do the things a lover does and I can't get hurt by you.
Is it positive that he's unloading all this on me? Is he rationalizing his choice to move onto my friend? Is he telling me the things that she does, that I didn't do? What do I do with this new insight from him?

I'm silly to ask so many questions, but H has never been this forthcoming about his pain. I've only ever heard: "You hurt me more than anyone and I can't live like that anymore."

I'm a mess. I wish I could crawl under the covers for a few days... but I've got the kids today (an arranged schedule with H) so I've got to find some kind of strength to get through the day. I wish I had a 'silver lining' to put a positive focus for my day.