Yeah, I so wanted to suggest self-help books to H since that is all I've been reading lately. H actually knows about the "5 love languages". I read that a couple of weeks ago and brought it up to him. After reading the book I guessed what H primary and secondary love languages were, then H took the test and I was right. Of course now every time H brings up R talk he makes sure to mention that he has known my love languages before I knew what they were.
In my last entry I mentioned a somewhat positive interaction with H. Friday night I went to a movie with a friend. It was good to get out. When I got home H was watching TV. I joined him and tried to have a casual conversation. Then, I got the hint that H was in a grumpy mood and told him I'd leave him alone and went to bed. Later he actually came to bed and stayed the night. I think it was only because he wanted to ML. As always, after he gets too close he has to pull away, so the rest of the weekend was kind of meh. The next two nights he stayed on the couch. I'm having a hard time with him going back the couch after sleeping in bed. The last few nights when he's not in bed, I've pushed his pillow off the bed (way to let out my anger on the pillow). This morning he actually asked why I keep pushing his pillow off the bed, and I just said I didn't need it.
As in my last few posts, I'm having a hard time with patience. I am getting tired of this waiting game. In fact, I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for. Am I waiting for H to say that he wants to work on our M? Are there certain words or signs that I'm waiting for? Sure, I can keep at this waiting game for a while, but when will I know that he wants me? He is so stubborn that he wouldn't want to make the "first" step, and I don't want to pursue or pressure him to make a decision.
I'm also noticing a little pattern where he will "come closer" if I act like I've had enough or seem frustrated and walk away. H might find me later and want to "talk". This morning he washed the few dishes in the sink, which he normally would never touch in the morning.
H stil thinks that it'll never work and says how he's done all of this stuff for me and I did nothing. H is starting to sound like a broken record. He tells me this every time he brings up R. H is trying to validate his thoughts of us not being right for each by coming up with the silliest examples. Yesterday he said that after 2 weeks of marriage I was nagging at him for something and he should have known then that we were not right for each other. In his opinion, every disagreement we've ever had was an indication that we were not going to last. I don't know what planet he's from or what he's been smoking. I don't know if he really believes that a perfect R is one without disagreements. Yes, we may not have learned the right ways to deal with disagreements, but it doesn't matter who you ask, they are natural and healthy.
I think I need to review the DR book and the changes that I want to make. I feel like I'm backsliding and losing touch with my goals. And when that happens, I start to wonder why I'm doing this and how long I should put up with rejection. I need to get back on track.
