Thank you Angel & 25. I've read your posts a couple of times through.
I think I should start with two days ago. I woke up feeling really happy. h had gone to town to handle some stuff at the DMV. It was so nice out, I decided to take a walk.
When I got back to the house, I saw a box sitting outside by the trash can and inside of that box was another copy of one of the cd's he had made for her, but it had been broken in half. I thought to myself... wait a min, why is there still a cd here when he threw out all of the ones many weeks ago? I say nothing and go inside and went to the bathroom and got the shower going. I felt like I had to calm down. But it didn't work, because it triggered anger in me like never before.
Got out of the shower and h is talking to me through the door. He sensed something wrong cause he said, "Everything OK?" and I asked, why are there still copies of these cd's around? he said, he had made a duplicate and found it stuffed inside of his bag that he had pulled out of the closet and wanted to get rid of it.
Good for him, glad he got rid of it, but I really lost it. I came out of the bathroom and went to the kitchen to get water and he followed me, apologizing. Said he didn't think I'd notice it.. said it meant nothing and that is why it's in the trash.
Another part of me took over and thought.. NOPE he's been listening to it this whole time.... what a liar. But the other part of me, the rational part said.... no, he's being honest, let it go..... let it go...... and all the sudden I just snapped.
I told him to please leave the kitchen and let me chill out for awhile. He would not go. He insisted on staying and talking this out. He was upset.... I just calmly asked him.... please.... let me have a moment to catch my breath, chill out.. etc. he would not go. He pushed me to talk right then, right there....
He said, "Let's get this out of the way so we can go on with the day. I'm not going to spend the entire day on this"
I threw my glass against the wall, breaking it and screamed at him.... "yeah let's just get this out of the way so you can relax and be comfortable".
H was in shock, and he just stood there. Then he walked out. Then he came back and started to clean up. I said "Don't touch that. It's my mess". And he said, "No, I am the one who caused you to feel this way to begin with, so I'll get it". I told him not to touch it... I took over and cleaned it up. He went off for awhile, and later on we did reconnect and talk calmly... and he told me, "I know that this triggered you.... I'm so sorry". But you know.... I still should not have acted this way.
Felt like an episode of PTSD. I don't know. But I feel that the pain is right on the surface and it's just boiling out of me.
H called the priest that afternoon... he is really fond of talking to him... and he offered an appt to me to talk. he has a background in counseling... he's been very supportive to H and H felt like I should go talk to him.
So I am going this afternoon for an appt. Even though we are in the middle of the move, I need to talk to someone.
I know that the anger is reaching epic proportions here and I have to deal with this.
I'm tired of being angry. I'm praying ... I'm trying.. it's not going away.
25, I don't want a divorce. That's for sure. If I did, I would have left him weeks ago. But you are right, if I can't work through this.... I'm certain it will damage what good has been accomplished.
I think I still have co dependency tendencies flooding back again with h. My GAL has been put on hold the past couple weeks, with all that is going on here. My self esteem issues are really suffering again.
Our happiness is our own responsibility....
This is true. Why have I grown up thinking that our partners are supposed to make us happy?
This is something I need to focus on too.... I have to keep working at this.
Also, forgot to mention. H had his appt the other day, and when he came home he said he wanted to get the book, the five languages of love. We are going to read it together.
