Too Little, Too late 3

[purgatory]

thanks 25, detaching has been the hardest thing so far... I wasn't even completely detached when this new bomb was dropped. I know that it would be the best thing to do so I can't get hurt by their words/actions... but how do you actually *DO* it?? Is there a special phrase that you can chant to your self until your detached? are there evil thoughts I should think about them?

I have been plagued by insomnia and all the negative thoughts come rushing in. I over analyze, re-play every interaction, and play out the future for myself. I logically know that none of this is helpful or productive- how am I supposed to stop this??? I am really sad that I don't have someone who misses me, I don't belong to someone, no one is sitting at home worried about me when I go out for the night. Every relationship I had before H, cheated on me. When I moved away from our other duty stations, only 1 friend from each place bothered to keep up communications with me- everyone else ignored my emails/phone calls. ..... makes me really wonder what's wrong with me?? Why does everyone leave me??

I sound like a pathetic, self-conscience person right now- who would want to be with that?! But this is how I feel. I don't know how to 'rise above' those feelings and act 'as-if' I'm fine and happy.

I really feel hopeless. I would like to say that they will be each other's rebound and this will crash and burn.... but I don't think so. Since they already know each other so well, the intimacies will be easier to jump into. They are both cowards. They both don't know how to be alone to focus on themselves before jumping into a new relationship.

He leaves for AFG in June. It makes no sense to me for either of them to start a R before he leaves. And it makes me sick to know that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' will be applied to *her* not *me*. He'll come back in a year and be ready to jump into their R and leave me in the dust. (I know, projecting into the future is wrong- I don't know how to turn it off.)

I know that rebounds usually fizzle out after a few months.... but H and I were each other's rebounds after each of us broke off 3 year relationships...so we *married* our rebounds- this doesn't give me a warm fuzzy feeling about them.

She knows all my deep, dark feelings about H. How the he!! could she betray our 'friendship' like this?? I have come to realize that she was never a true friend- which makes all of her 'love and support' meaningless over the past few years.

Even if I want to take some time away to calm down and collect my strength, I can't leave for another 2 weeks because of medical appointments. H says he will still be there for all of them, especially my 2 heart surgeries.... I really want someone there who will hold me hand when I'm scared, or make me laugh to distract me, and be my advocate to the doctors when I can't speak. H used to be all these things (and so was my friend), but I'm so angry with them, I think it would cause more stress on me to have them there rather than not. Sadly, I don't have any family members who can take time to come up to be with me.... I'm starting to realize how *alone* I really am.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. Dwelling on negatives, projections and assumptions are all not productive for *me* let alone any chance to save my M. I am truly at a loss for how to actually *DO* the things that need to be done: detach, control my anger, don't let negative thoughts take over my brain.