the most you can realistically pray and hope for is that a seed is planted.
This is a great metaphor for where many of us are - I was already using it before coming to this site. Think of what interactions you DO get as a chance to plant a seed, or water it, in the hope that in time it will grow...
Me: 36 Her: 35 Together 7/09 Married 8/7/10 Separate rooms since at least April 11 "I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11 She moves out of state/files 2/7/12 Dissolution final 5/12
Antlers talks about contorting observations to our personal needs. Always a dangerous thing. Understand that I'm not suggesting you are doing this Crimson. I'm saying that in general, people risk conducting themselves from that place.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
I fear she WON'T be attracted to someone "enjoying life" because as I said before she will take that to mean her being gone = me being happy, so if she ever thought about coming back it would only make my life worse. Nothing could be further from the truth. How does one effectively make that point?????
25 either said it or alluded to it in one of her posts above:
If your W believes she has THAT kind of POWER over you and your happiness, than she would be entirely deluded and ready for a nice, comfy room.
Which further goes to saying, please... don't give her that power... Did you M someone who was delusional? Do you believe she is now that delusional? I'm not really being sarcastic...
I think that you can trust that your W is not thinking about returning to the M, so you can strike that concern at this time. You can deal with that if that opportunity arose. ie. When she says to you, "I am so glad you are happy now and I would never want to get back together with you because I wouldn't want to interfere with your happiness..."
I would also like to say that NLW made a very good suggestion... With the letter in your pocket, ask your W if she remembers asking and whether she still would like it...
IF she says, "yes, please do give me a letter", THAT would be when you tell her, "great, because I just happen to have it..." as you reach into your pocket and hand it to her...
Antlers hit it right on the money!! You can't use the excuse that if you are happy your W won't want to come back. If it is true that your W would only want you back if you are unhappy then the question is would you want any part of that? I know I want my W back with every ounce of my being, but not if she wants me miserable, or finds me undesirable if I am happy and enjoying life. Jmo here, but I would rather risk losing her by being happy than risk losing happiness for a chance to get her back.
You mentioned earlier the stuff your W said that to her the marriage was completely over....no chance. FWIW I heard all the same things over and over. After nine pain filled months of DBing I am hearing some really hopeful stuff. Just sayin...it really isn't over till its over.
Also just for comparison's when I used to say things to her like you're going to say to your W in ltr form, she used to reject it brutally and say it sounded like a sales pitch. Yet I was speaking from the depths of my soul. But I thought to myself so what....at least she heard the truth and if I died that day at least I said it.
And you know what ........she recently has been accepting what I said and in fact has embraced the concepts for herself.
Look, you're a really strong guy that deserves a lot of respect. She's gonna hear you just maybe not today.
Looking at this from an eternal point of view and for generations of your family to come wouldn't you regret not taking this opportunity to speak from your heart and soul regardless of the outcome. True love and honesty is never wasted in the universe.
Is it possible, that she asked for the letter/email in a passing conversation , and you are taking this to a whole new level ??
Has she asked for this, more than the one time ??
If she has, I apologize for missing it.
It is normal to want to temperature check, and I am worried that you may be looking for the right opening to do just that.
She gave you that one shot at sticking your foot through that opening, and you are kicking the opening larger.
And what I am worried about, is that you will take it too far. You have obsessed about writing the thing, so that it is perfect.
Don't think that when she reads it, she won't "feel" that in the letter, effectively letting her know that you haven't changed that much internally. Just that you have "reflected" well.
To me, you are NOT in a place where you should be trying to talk your way through this.....
I posted this to Truegritter a couple years ago, yet I see a LOT of this in you too, so I will pass it on to you...
First of all...
I see you growing right now....
And for that ? I am happy for you. You really are taking a hard look at yourself.
BUT.....
I want you to understand something.
All of these new found things about yourself.
You need to be patient with you as well.
These discoveries you are having need to be "felt" to become real.
I have always said that you have to "own" your emotions, and this is no different. It is okay to realize that there is a problem with something, and learn what it is , and how to overcome.
HOWEVER....YOU need to own these things that you are finding.
You have to own it, feel it, embrace it, and take action on it.
AND....if you are sitting there shaking your head yes, and thinking "I know " , I'm coming to visit you with a real 2x4......
Real change takes courage in the face of the battle....fearing the unknown, yet reacting with a lack of fear.
And I'm not convinced that one can go into said battle with someone else's battle plan....
All of your realizations are great Grit.....They really are.....
Unless you own them for you, and actually live them, they will mean nothing to you in the end.
Sometimes I see you acknowledging things simply because someone here says to.
Slow down,and carefully examine you, feel these things as you go through them...
This is a process....
Processes take time....
Everything happens for a reason and by the grace of God, on HIS time.....
Nothing like hanging a $10k chandelier in an outhouse.....?????
Just to add on, now that I am thinking about it. Things have gotten to a point where she LITERALLY believes that I am happier without her - she has actually said that. I don't want her to think that I am at peace with this D, at all. I get the point of detaching, and I have made a lot of progress in that regard. But at what point is that interpreted as "lack of interest" or a true desire to be without them? I am not a pro at DB, but I feel as though that is a possibility of LRT, limiting communication and pulling back - which I have done. Am I reading all of this wrong? People can say "she already knows your feelings, no need to restate them" - but if she looks at me and thinks I am happier without her and out dating up a storm doesn't a point come up where one would need to chime in a bit? Before the the spouse just cashes in the chips because they thing YOU have moved on?
I don't know if this is the right thing to do, or if it is in accordance with DB. But I know that she DID ask for a letter or e-mail, and it is in my heart to let her know sort of where I am AND to continue working on ME.
Crimson
Rick said - that happened to me too - my W thought I was happy with my own life without her when in fact I hated not having her in my life. That means your wife sees that you have GAL an are strong enough to do so. That's good.
I would explain it to her but be very brief and concise, an make sure not to let her see a "woe is me attitude". Just tell her that you want a life with her, can see where and why there were problems before and how you have learned to deal with things better, and that you intend to make the most of your life and be the best person you can be no matter what.
I told this to my W and it worked. It worked because it was from the heart and reflected where I am as an evolved person. She will see the truth in your words maybe now or later because they are just that, the truth.
I am agree with you 100% GM. And no, I have no expectations of this letter being some sort of cure-all. I do not think that it alone will reverse my the course we are on. I have learned the hard way to keep expectations low at this point. At best, I hope that it will at least get her to see that I am no longer blaming her for this mess, that I am owning my part and that I am working hard to never go back to where I was before. That I want to be a better man, and better spouse and a better father. If all this letter does is leave her with that impression - then I am OK with that. If not, I figure I can't make things worse. Papers are filed, you know?
Crimson
Rick said - just what you said her is enough to tell your W. Nike - just do it!
Nah, I expect nothing. I mean, I would HOPE for the best - but I don't think this will turn the tide that much. As I said, worst case scenario she get's an idea of where I am mentally and WRT the relationship as a whole. I don't know if I can really make things worse. The letter won't be unexpected or out of the blue. I'll just deliver when I drop off S and that'll be it.
Crimson
Rick said - if positive change is going to come in your M, it will come baby step by baby step. Just keep feeding her the truth in limited doses, then give it/her time for this to percolate. She will hear you when you speak from the heart, but on her timetable. Give it/her/you time my friend. The Great Pyramid was built stone by stone, and it is eternal, much like your new R with her might be.
Nah, I expect nothing. I mean, I would HOPE for the best - but I don't think this will turn the tide that much. As I said, worst case scenario she get's an idea of where I am mentally and WRT the relationship as a whole. I don't know if I can really make things worse. The letter won't be unexpected or out of the blue. I'll just deliver when I drop off S and that'll be it.
Crimson
I have not read the letter but will say this, the most you can realistically pray and hope for is that a seed is planted.
& that's all...IF a seed is planted and takes roots, YOU will NOT know this until it takes root and sprouts in some way. So take heart b/c while I have hope for you,
I don't see it happening soon.
I think she feels this is her task to do, and she needs to be released to do it and figure out what she wants, values and trusts in life.
Hopefully that will be you.
give her the space and time to let the good memories that exist and the love she once had, resurface in her mind and heart.
Don't block them from resurfacing with your needs for it to happen now.
Step back, GAL and move forward....lovingly
Rick said - I am rooting for you more than The Patriots and that's saying a lot. Listen to 25's analogy of the seed because its true.
My W told me that she was like an acorn. That there was an outer layer (the shell) around her that was her fear and that there was a small sprout inside that needed to first break out of the shell, then take root in the ground. She told me that my strength, size, passionte beliefs to her was like a hurricane passing over her, the sprout. So, she needed time for the sprout to take seed in the ground and grow. And quess what, I listened, gave her the truth when I thought she could handle it or if she asked, and it worked for her amd me. I know this is where you are with your W. Give her this gift and you will never regret it.
