Is There Hope?

[25yearsmlc]

Today is *not* a good day.

I wrote ex to tell him that I had to pay the tax bill (large amount) and just filled him in on why I was paying it when I was.
His response was 'good and don't pay the other half (thats due in the summer) because I am getting posted and I won't even live here"

That just scared the b-gebus out of me.

what scared you? Were you secretly or subconsciously hoping HE would change and then you'd stay together?

I'm asking b/c I don't see why his change of assignment this summer changes anything for YOU since you were planning on moving in May anyhow?


I miss him so much. I miss the guy who left tho, I know this.

Well, where the head goes, the heart will follow, if you let it.

He was soothing and "loving" to you WHILE he was posting to other women? That makes it harder to deal with b/c he acted as if all was good and gushed to you while posting to other women on dating sites and this was soon after getting there, correct?

So who do you miss?

You miss who you believed him to be. That man is gone now, if he ever existed. You can mourn that if you want, but never tell him.


Just as we must not project our fears or negative perceptions onto our spouses,

we cannot project what we HOPE for or wish for in another person,
then expect it,

then be disappointed when they fail our expectations which, maybe,

were not that realistic, (given their defects or traits or inabilities.)

You said he proposed to you much earlier than he planned to please you, not to hook you, and that you wanted to be engaged before having his child (thank God)

and that you had "baby fever" and wanted a wedding, etc....

A lot of men don't want to displease a willing & eager partner...they'll say what the woman wants to hear. This is not new. They don't see it as wrong either. If it pleased you it must have been good...so what if it is a lie?

Later they may flee and a LOT of men would flee a woman with "baby fever".

As rick1963 says, "men either want to fix it or sleep with it."

In some ways he sounds like a player and in other ways he also sounds damaged...and no that's NOT a reason for you to make an effort in this relationship. Just the opposite!

The idea that he's been in a "breakdown" for years now, first with his ex w & now onto you - just sounds like 2 women making excuses for a man who has a pattern of bad behavior in relationships...

nothing new, it's the same old HIM...he has his charms at first but when it's not easy, or gets predictable, he looks elsewhere.

Maybe He likes the rush of the new conquest or the "new marriage" or the "baby fever" but it gets old fast, and his work gives him adrenaline and he may want that in ALL aspects of his life...

no one can compete with that...and no he won't realize that, OR want to change it, IF ever, til he retires, if then.


I think He has not had both feet in the R the whole time b/c of the dating sites. Even while you were skyping and making plans with each other, he was posting elsewhere. What does that tell you?

How do you trust again after that? I don't know the answer there, b/c the times my marriage has had trouble, I KNEW IT...he may have surprised me with some of his actions, but I was under no illusion that all was well.


and for most of your r, he was not honest with you.


and that does not bode well for him as a partner.



So what to do NOW?

To me, he sounds like he is treating you as if there is a landlord tenant relationship between you two, hence his declaration about what to pay and the cavalier way he dropped the "oh don't pay the 2nd payment b/c I'm moving" comment.

There may have been surprise at your reaction, like "wth? Why is she upset? I already told her there was no engagement and she could stay til May 1 so what's the big deal?"


So now you know. He's your landlord...and you have to move May 1, as planned...so

If I were you,

I'd plan on GAL and being a woman who "gets" that it is Over, and too bad for him...

b/c you are busy meeting new interesting people, going to fascinating places and doing fun exciting things...

I think he's losing more than you. If you believe that, let it radiate. And not b/c he's a jerk but b/c you are a great catch, moving on.

Later, if he wants to make a Herculean effort some day down the road when he's fundamentally healthier, he'll find you.

Til then, don't keep looking back...get to the other shore of this ordeal and don't keep looking over your shoulder to see if HE is getting it or looking or changing or whatever....it slows down your progress a lot.

Hard as this is to hear, in truth I believe he's done you a favor by showing his cards NOW...

So given that I am a complete whimp (and sick from a cold and feelin' like a baby)

I wrote him. "I miss talking with you. I miss the sound of your voice. I know I shouldn't be bothering to say all this as the sentiments are not returned, I'm just having a tough time letting go of the P and T (our names) that said goodbye to one another last June. I know we are not those same people anymore though"

God I'm such a whimp

SIGH....

(( !! ))

can you post HERE BEFORE you post to him next time?

Now and then people come here to keep their self respect or explore thoughts or vent...

and that's fine.

Don't reach out to him again, as that will undermine a lot of your GAL efforts.

Think about it; You just told a man you missed him and want to talk to him AND that you know he does not feel the same but you blah blah blah

*radiated your neediness*

which is not what attracted him to you in the first place...

so post here first next time, okay?