It follows the DB book to a T - you pursued (anger and confrontation, R talk) and so he retreated. If you want him to come closer you're going o have to stop doing that. Have you read the 37 rules yet?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So sorry you are going through this - but things WILL get better for you. It's incredibly hard and intolerably painful at times, but you can get through it.
I've felt just like you and sometimes I still do (5 months since BD), but sometimes I feel much better and stronger.
I think you're right about his fear of making contact - my H told me recently that it's too painful for him to be with us as a family.
I could have read this as a good sign (he misses us) or a bad sign (he wants to cut ties with me) but I decided that trying to mind-read was less productive than getting on with life and making sure that I didn't come across as needy or sad or imply that my happiness in life was dependent on what he did.
Because neediness, unhappiness and dependence are the signs that will drive our Hs further away from us.
So do the hardest thing you've ever done in your life, and find ways to endure the pain. You'll emerge a better person for the experience and, as an additional bonus (!), your H might notice your changes.
Hope this doesn't sound flippant, I'm seriously on your side, but I want you to know that I've felt just like you do now, and things do get better.
Sorry that you are here but I know how hard it is to deal with a liar. My ex even went as far as swearing on the life of our children that he wasn't "doing anything wrong."
You have to stop looking at him and what he's doing or it will eat you alive. Work on yourself and let go. He has a chance to save his marriage and if he doesn't? You wouldn't want to be with a man like that anyway.
Be strong.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I've just read up on your sitch and sorry to find you here. I'm glad you started reading the book. I found it very helpful. The hard part is putting all those things into action and staying consistent. But don't beat yourself up if you find yourself backsliding. Just remember to get up and back on track.
It's a very painful journey we're on right now and we'll have better days and really aweful days. It truly is an emotional roller coaster. Be strong and come here to vent!
He is changing history when we talk and changing the things that he says to me. essentially lying to get through to the next minute. He's lying about lies and even his mom is catching him in that.
A few points about cheaters whilst they're in the throes of an affair (which your husband is):
100% of them are liars 100% of them are manipulative 100% of them lack a moral compass 100% of them are reckless with money and other behaviour pertaining to personal safety 100% of them lose their ability to empathise
Expect to witness all of this and more.
I am so sorry that you're here and know your pain. A place I never ever want to visit again.
You marriage does not stand the remotest chance whilst your husband is cheating. If, and only if, that affair is over permanently and for all time can you both rebuild. Keep reading DR - I can tell you from bitter experience, the longer you live with someone when they're doing that, the harder it gets.
If you reach that stage it's better to have little to no contact with them until/unless they're done with it.
Be strong,
GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
A while ago I told him if a break up (as that is what he was alluding to) is what he wants he has to do all the work. When i said that to him he said what do you mean....like he thought just saying the words was enough. So i said to him the house, the bills, the division of assets, the filing, the legal responsibility....everything. I have always been the one in the relationship to take responsibilities like this by the reins and i felt the only way he could face consequence was to make him do all the hard work.
he has been free loading off a friend for the last 2 months (staying in his basement - with no responsibility) and essentially having a room mate - though this guy is married with 2 kids he would never kick him out. i feel like he has enabled H to not do anything about the situation he has created.
H has been avoiding everything and anything in thiswhole situation. Avoiding dealing with consequences (he initally told me he lied to me about what city he was in because he didn't want to deal with me being upset), avoided talking to his closest family and friends, avoided talking to me about it, ran to his friends house and avoided dealing with anything other then the second he was living in for 2 months.
After me freaking out at him last week (which again i have done about 4 times in our entire relationship) and confronting him about this girl and telling him he hasn't take accountability for his actions (he says he has - i said how he hasn't done anything other than walking about the door) he emailed me today and said he had spoken to a lawyer and just emailed me a few things that they said about bills (saying he doesn't have to pay the utilities bills in the house because he isn't living here? that doesn't make sense to me - but he does the mortgage), etc and said he is renting an apartment as of next month (yet wants nothing from the house). He said i'm emailing you because i didn't want to fight about this on the phone. Again avoiding me because seeing me either crying or angry or even seeing me makes him face what hes doing. i picked up the phone and called him and said i told you that any of these conversations are going to be face to face and we are going to talk about this tonight. He said tomorrow i said no if you talked to a lawyer today about all this and about not paying certain bills we have together i have to talk to one tomorrow about my side of things. And he said to me i called one cause you told me to. I also said we are to have these conversations face to face so he agreed to come over. As soon as he sees me crying he starts crying and says i hate to upset you. I said how can you say you don't care about me then?
he also emailed me because he wanted to let me know he came up to the house to get a few things (me thinking he moved the remainder of his clothes out as he has only taken 1/2, leaving a lot of things he uses regularly) - he took one t-shirt and his personal folder which has his personal banking stuff and various other personal info - taxes, bill, residency info, that sort of thing. and i think his dad is sending him money. If you were 100% about wanting out of this marriage and said you were planning on moving out of your friends basement and into an apartment wouldn't you take your clothes? or more than one t-shirt?
i was devastated by this conversation tonight. Just talking about the same stuff in our relationship and his essentially just walking away and shutting down. I felt he was lying about something about the apartment and something about the lawyer didn't seem right. I asked her name and he only told me her last name (similar to him only telling me the real estate agents first name and not remember his last). I looked up on the law society website after he left and there is no lawyer by that last name here.....unless they are practicing out of this province or are not practicing? doesn't add up if you ask me...
we talked briefly about bills that we have to pay together until things get sorted and he is pushing for me to do work - i said no this isnt what i want so absolutley not. He got pissy with me but i told him from the start i wasn't doing anything with this.
When he was leaving i said i was still going to talk to a lawyer to protect myself - he said i'm not trying to screw you here. I said still i can't take what you say your lawyer says as bible (especially with the constant lying thus far). he said for me to call him in a few days and we can talk about this again, about what to do. My plan is to yeah have this conversation with a lawyer but not make much initiative to call him. i feel like he is playing me a little bit here....either pushing me to do the work, or trying to get money to move out with out getting out of his other legal/financial obligations, or make it look like he is doing something/taking accountability.
Normal i would talk to his mom about this cause she talks to him regularly but i feel like i have included her in one instance of calling out his lies and don't want to do that again. I have told her i need to back off from them for the time being and pick up the pieces of my life.
Sorry if this is all over the place i'm writing between tears and sort of venting..... Do i just give up?
What do i do next...any help or advice or opinion is GREATLY appreciated
When he came up i was crying - i tried so hard to keep it together but i couldn't. He hasn't seen me cry in 2 months over this. And to be honest crying is the only time he shows any sort of compassion towards me and i just couldn't hold it together.
He comes up with the same lies and BS. That he can fall out of love in a month and that he has tried to work on it for the last two months (with out me knowing apparently). blah blah blah - lies.
I know i broke ever rule in the db realm last night but sometimes these conversations have to happen...
i wrote him and asked for the full name of the lawyer he spoke to incase whoever i talk to needs it and he gave me a different name than he did last night - this time a full name an actual real lawyer...
am i prolonging my misery by hanging on to any sort of hope that this will work? i feel that nothing he is saying is making any sense and for this to really be over he has it needs to make sense. He told me last ngiht another reason he fell out of love was because i would check up on him from time to time (and i mean rarely! he came and went as he pleased).
Do i accept what he is saying for face value?
like he emphasised to me last night that i went to talk to a lawyer because he didn't know anything about anything in this situation. What he had to do, what he was responsible for, etc but emphasised he didn't sign anything, he didn't start anything just went to talk. I asked why he didn't, especially if this is what he wants...and all he could say was well i wanted to talk to you first....
i told him the reason i am not pushing anything is because 1)this isn't what i want and 2) i don't want to have any regrets at the end of the day for rushing something that didn't feel right. I told him there is no way he can look back at this situation without regret.
