25yearsmlc message to peeps

[25yearsmlc]

I'd love to come see you sometime - be sure to let me know if you ever get any gigs in San Diego or Orange County.

will do..I've been in La Jolla too, at their "Comedy Store" I think, or Laugh Factory??, but cannot recall which one it was. It's the ONLY time my 90 y/o mother came to watch me do my thing. So the guy comic who goes on stage right before ME, starts imitating a woman in sex WITH HERSELF...great...(HEY gee, he stole my opening!!)

I couldn't even turn around to see if my mom was still there. Finally I went on and did my set and it went pretty well. A tad esoteric by comparison but the crowd was kind...so

then I saw my my mother and I said, "well what did you think mom?" All my mom could say in her French Canadian accent was

"Tang GOD you did not masturbate."....enough said.

Oh & you better laugh A LOT and really hard and that's even if I stink...just to be supportive you know?

[kml]

I'm a loud laugher!!!

[kolja]

"Tang GOD you did not masturbate."....enough said.

"I'll take things I never thought I'd hear my mother say for $300, Alex..."

[alamo76]

Hey 25, thank you for your story and for all your deep advice! You are one of the many, many blessings of this site/forum/group.

I've always been drawn to your experience because you and your husband's situation are similar to mine (as you know). I've taken a lot of your perspective and added it to my life; my wife has to account for her own actions/decisions at this point. I still pray that God will restore SOMETHING between us.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know where else to post this but thought that I needed to post these two pieces somewhere on this thread, before I close with the last chapters.

So for now, here are two things I pose to you for your thoughts...

"Seeing" Our Spouse

There comes a time in every marriage when each spouse sees the other in stark reality. No cover up, or make up. Just clarity, without the passion of the "new", and each sees the other totally naked, with all their flaws, weaknesses, qualities, mistakes, strengths, quirks, warts and all. And in that moment they make a choice.

They may reject their spouse as simply too flawed. No faults of weight or significance are allowed, maybe a few minor ones. Those spouses leave the m.

Others choose to stay, BUT only to make the other one cave in to their will, they nag, cajole, undermine, criticize, to "be proven RIGHT," vindicated…which actually never happens so they are never content,

until one of them finally dies...

Some spouses choose to stay BUT they still see all the flaws in their spouse and change nothing within; they sigh or snicker at comments the spouse makes, they roll their eyes in the long suffering manner of the martyrs they see themselves as. Neither is happy.

And then, there are others.

There are those who see the realities of their spouse, along with their own many faults in stark light too. Somehow they see it all and yet, still, they choose to stay and to love.

They choose to focus on the good, and to compliment it, and strongly favor it.

As for the bad, and the not so good, they learn to compensate, overlook, accept, or work around....they try hard reach their goal; i.e., to see their spouses as God sees them. Through His eyes...


No, I don't think this means we accept what is truly UNacceptable. God did not put us here to make us miserable. We are not here to be doormats.

But it seems a goal of marital love probably is to learn to see someone for all of who they really are, including their histories and pain, through His eyes. That does not always mean one stays married to a spouse. But it sure helps whether you stay together or not. And I certainly don't think we'll be able to do this 24/7. Not by a long shot.

And while it may lead to the couple fully bonding; heart mind body and soul, there will always be a separateness for we are two individuals. We are not physically bonded like Siamese twins.

We're not identical (only twins are). We are different. And that's okay.

[25yearsmlc]

Here's a story I heard that I found helpful..

--------------------The End of the World---------

And so it happened that the skies everywhere turned dark and thunderous and suddenly a loud deep voice from above, said

"THE WORLD WILL END IN 7 DAYS."

Upon hearing this, people everywhere noticed that suddenly everyone's faces began to change colors or bore marks. It seemed that their faces bore the colors & marks of their sins.

For instance, some had green lines on their face for envy or jealousy, red for lust, or their foreheads had "A" on them for adultery, "T" for thieves, "L" for liars, "C" for coveting, "M" for murderers...

The next day, a voice from above AGAIN said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 6 DAYS"...

Now, people began to hide as they realized the meaning of the markings.

Politicians wore bags on their heads, and celebrities began wearing hats and head coverings so no one could see their sins.

Others avoided seeing their neighbors or families and stayed isolated.

People wondered what had happened and governments thought their enemies had tried to intimidate them. Others thought a cruel prank had been played on them.

The next day the same clouds hovered over and the same loud voice told everyone everywhere,

"THE WORLD WILL END I N 5 DAYS."

This alarmed people as they began to wonder what it could mean, and where the voice came from. They searched for meaning and intent and who was doing this to them?

The next day the same things happened and the voice said "THE WORLD WILL END IN 4 DAYS. "

People began to arm themselves and prepare for an attack or plague. Some began to fight with those who had betrayed them or those they feared.

When the voice came the next day & said

"THE WORLD WILL END IN 3 DAYS", the wealthy people began to give their wealth away and others did acts of service & favors for others.

There was growing panic and many began to flee the cities.

Then the voice said

THE WORLD WILL END IN 2 DAYS" and everyone began to gather in churches, synagogues, mosques and temples of all sorts.

They prayed and donated to the churces/temples/mosques, and they prayed more, but still the voice said,

THE WORLD WILL END IN ONE DAY.""

That night In one home, a couple looked out their window at the clouds gathering.

The husband had the mark of adultery on his head and the wife had the green marks of jealousy and envy on hers.

The husband turned to his wife and said

"I hope you know you are the only woman I ever truly loved. Can you please forgive me for how I hurt you?"

She said "Yes I forgive you. And I never meant the things said b/c I was angry. Can you forgive me for my resentments and the terrible things I said?"

And he too, said "I forgive you."

Suddenly the marks on their faces vanished and their faces cleared completely as they held each other tightly hugging--AND FORGIVING….

When they realized why this had happened, the word quickly spread.

Brothers who had been estranged for years put aside their resentments,
and embraced,

couples let go of their painful pasts, and reunited.

Former business enemies shook hands

Warring nations and tribes with feuds, all stopped, and reached out

and they FORGAVE each other…

and the faces cleared as did the skies above…

forgiveness cleansed the world;

And the world was saved.

[purgatory]

Thanks 25 for giving us all hope- in one form or another.

My H is the first type (saw the flaws and walked away). It's only been a month since the bomb, and I'm just coming to grips with it. I am inspired by your sitch (2 years apart to come back together.... I admire your patience.) I've been plagued lately by thoughts of giving up and letting him have his way... then there's that little voice that keeps telling me to be patient and continue to stand for my M.

Questions to you: How did you stay patient and hopeful all those years? Or did you give in, and then things came back together?
(I can relate to your military lifestyle... I am the daughter of a Navy Capt. and I married a Lt., so I've been the daughter who dealt with missing her dad, and now I'm the W who misses her H- but when he goes for a year to Afg.... I'm not his W, and I don't know how to deal with that)

Didn't mean to hijack, but you have experience with the special challenges of military life and how those affect marriages and divorces.
Thanks for any suggestions

[WenikiTiki]

Thanks 25 for all the words of wisdom.

Funny, but I have often been to I should do stand-up.

I love to joke! Bad things happen, and I am telling jokes. (Only if no one got hurt!)

Take Carw,

Wendy

[25yearsmlc]

you are welcome but I don't know for sure if I understand your questions...

Thanks 25 for giving us all hope- in one form or another.

My H is the first type (saw the flaws and walked away). It's only been a month since the bomb, and I'm just coming to grips with it.

Ouch, that's really new. I'll check your thread b/c I don't recall your sitch or if he gave you his complaints before. Regardless, what are you changing, if anything?

I am inspired by your sitch (2 years apart to come back together.... I admire your patience.) I've been plagued lately by thoughts of giving up and letting him have his way... then there's that little voice that keeps telling me to be patient and continue to stand for my M.


There were times I did give up on my m. I did not expect us to make it. I gave us a "10% chance of staying married."

Questions to you: How did you stay patient and hopeful all those years? Or did you give in, and then things came back together?


I was not that patient. As I say above, I did give up hope at times. I didn't lock the door but I closed it in my head and chose to move forward as if we were over but that I and my kids would still be alright. I knew h had a long way to go before I'd look at him seriously but I also knew I had things of my own to improve upon. And I hated my anger. It consumed me and that made MY life and my d's lives NOT good...

A key point here is that I had a d in high school and my number 1 goal was providing stability for her until she was done with school. So my focus was Not on H but on the girls and creating a happy life for myself and them.

I guess that really does attract but that was not the goal, paradoxically.

We had enough money to temporarily pay the bills as we were, so I did not "need" to divorce in that time, although I filed for a sep b/c I feared h would dissipate all our savings to "invest" in his heroes up in the tundra.

So my goal was to not have upheaval in my d's lives til she older one was done with school and that so happened to be 2 years.

Several months before she finished, h began saying things he had learned and making some changes he and I both needed him to make...we took it slowly.

I was not about to exchange my newfound serenity to return to crazyland without some reassurances we were going to be better. We also had a good mc and my DB coach was a Godsend...


(I can relate to your military lifestyle... I am the daughter of a Navy Capt. and I married a Lt., so I've been the daughter who dealt with missing her dad, and now I'm the W who misses her H- but when he goes for a year to Afg.... I'm not his W, and I don't know how to deal with that)

What do you mean you are not his w? You mean you'll be divorced?

My h will be deployed this summer which was unexpected and will be a big drag at this stage of our lives.

When we were both active duty, both of us were surrounded by the opposite sex. We'd have gone nuts if we focussed on that aspect.

So I don't have many fears surrounding the deployment as far as the marriage goes, but of course I have other fears regarding the deployment, and it's going to be a huge financial hit to us...(could be worse though, and I get that.)

Didn't mean to hijack, but you have experience with the special challenges of military life and how those affect marriages and divorces.
Thanks for any suggestions

does this clear anything up for you? Hopefully when I finish this thread it'll be clearer how it transpired though it is not completely clear to me. It was also not that linear.

I'll try to check your thread soon

[kolja]

Always good to read what you have to say!

In the days after my wife told me her big news, I think I would have felt 10% would have been recklessly optimistic!