I think he is cake eating. He has his freedom and he has your support. Why would he give that up? Until he sees consequences for his actions by you going dark, stopping the long conversations, stop accepting invitations and he sees you GAL and he misses you.... He will go farther away because you are making it easy for him to leave without by being his friend. And by doing this, he loses respect for you and wont value you except for what you for him. I know its hard, dealing with that somewhat here too but if we are sad little puppies who wait for them to pet us while they go off and have lives, life and self respect will pass us by and whats attractive about that?
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Thanks hope2011. You are right, why would he want to give that up.
I have not heard from him since yesterday around lunch time. And he contacted me then only because he needed something. I am having dinner with him and his family Monday evening. After that, I am dropping off the face of the earth. It will be hard, but I have to have will power. I don't expect to hear from him at this weekend because I have our D.
Why dont you join a group of moms to have playdates with? Go to the library story time, a movie, museum.... get out and have fun with your D and meet people and have fun! Staying busy makes going dark a lot easier.
Me - 38, 2nd M, no living children, 1 forever 6 yr old boy H - 44, 3rd M, twins 16
Dating 4/07 M 10/08 Bomb #1 12/10 Bomb #2 1/11 Bomb #3 12/11
Today I did keep myself busy. I moved about 3 wks ago, so I did some unpacking, assembling some furniture together and doing some cleaning. I know it doesn't sound fun, but it's gotta be done.
You mentioned that you want to go dark to show change but then he calls and you cave... "b/c you miss him and...to show him...your changes..."
see how that contradicts your own plans?
here are some GAL things I did while we lived in the interior of Alaska, with a new baby. Most of these GALs do not cost a lot and the best ones involved meeting other people. And most of them were new to me.
I learned to fly a plane and got a pilot's license (this costs)
auditioned for community theater and got cast, often, met cool new people
did stand up comedy-very therapeutic
took a pottery class
volunteered at a women's shelter and got on Bd of Directors
did PTA galore
joined Officer's Wives club (should have done that long before)
learned to cross country ski, fish for serious fish and learned to hunt big game.
edited a hunting book that later went on to become a best seller
joined a writer's group, entered a piece in a contest and won
got in great shape by working out consistently and often, Looked good
saw a good t, took Anti'D's and used a tanning booth in the winter
took a French conversation class and
an Italian Cuisine class
You'll be happier, stronger doing things that stimulate you and do not remind you of your h. This will gain you the confidence you need to know you are a good catch.
It's a paradox but clearly he is more interested in you when he's not sure of you. Do not be predicatble or available with such minimal "effort" on his end.
What were his complaints when he left? As in what did HE SAY?
Were ANY of them valid? If so, work on those traits not b/c of him but b/c you don't want to have those traits -
so you are a better woman no matter what he does...
and learn to happy on your own.
Ironically it's attractive yet that's not the point.
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
what are your GAL activities and 180s? When H left me, I decided to take some classes and work on getting my accounting degree. Unfortunately this doesn't leave me much time for myself, especially since I have a 3 yr old. She is very demanding. But the weekends that I don't have her, I go to the movies or go shopping. Or I just veg on the couch watching lifetime. LOL Once I am released from the doctor, I am going to join a gym. I am excited about this.
You mentioned that you want to go dark to show change but then he calls and you cave... "b/c you miss him and...to show him...your changes..."
see how that contradicts your own plans? Yes, I do see how that contradicts. I am going to dinner tomorrow night with him and his family, but after that, I am going to fall off the face of the earth. He only wants me around when he has daughter. So I decided I needed a me weekend.
here are some GAL things I did while we lived in the interior of Alaska, with a new baby. Most of these GALs do not cost a lot and the best ones involved meeting other people. And most of them were new to me.
I learned to fly a plane and got a pilot's license (this costs)
auditioned for community theater and got cast, often, met cool new people
did stand up comedy-very therapeutic
took a pottery class
volunteered at a women's shelter and got on Bd of Directors
did PTA galore
joined Officer's Wives club (should have done that long before)
learned to cross country ski, fish for serious fish and learned to hunt big game.
edited a hunting book that later went on to become a best seller
joined a writer's group, entered a piece in a contest and won
got in great shape by working out consistently and often, Looked good
saw a good t, took Anti'D's and used a tanning booth in the winter
took a French conversation class and
an Italian Cuisine class
You'll be happier, stronger doing things that stimulate you and do not remind you of your h. This will gain you the confidence you need to know you are a good catch.
It's a paradox but clearly he is more interested in you when he's not sure of you. Do not be predictable or available with such minimal "effort" on his end.I am a predictable person and he told me he could read me like a book.
What were his complaints when he left? As in what did HE SAY?He complaint about me was because I did not trust him. But I could not get him to understand that he caused the mistrust. He said no matter how something looks, I should have trusted him. Also, I snooped. That's how I would catch him each and every time. He likes to text females all the time and I should not have a problem with this. He told me that he could not talk to me without me blowing up all the time. I have really worked on this. I have proved this to him. Because he will try and push my buttons now, but I tell myself to say calm and I do. Like the other weekend, he told me that he was interested in this female that came into his work. So he knew someone that new her. So he called them to see if she was dating anyone. And they said. Turns out she was a lesbian. Why would he tell me this? I did not get upset. I just looked at him and told him that I would appreciate if he would not say things like that to me again. He said ok. He was trying to bait me and I didn't for for it.
Were ANY of them valid? If so, work on those traits not b/c of him but b/c you don't want to have those traits -
so you are a better woman no matter what he does...
and learn to happy on your own.
Ironically it's attractive yet that's not the point.
is your h still with OW? IF not, how do you know? Well last weekend when we were together walking on the beach and chit chatting. I asked him if he was still involved with the OW. He said that have not had sex in awhile. Right before Thanksgiving. The newness has worn off for him. He said to be honest, I don't plan on having sex with her again. They do work together. So they can see and talk to each other everyday. He has lied to me so much, I really don't know if I believe him.
Does he still send and get texts from OWs?Yes. He also received some dirty pics from her and from his ex-girlfriend. How I know this, is because I looked at his cell phone and saw them. The pics were dated like a month or two after he left me. But I did find a text to his ex-gf (which she is married with 2 small kids) saying how he has thought about her all day and he was horny.
how do you feel about that?I don't like, but I can't do anything about it. I really don't dwell on it. But I figure if we ever talk about reconciling then is a BIG issue we would need to discuss.
what changes in him, if any, have you noticed? Truthfully, I have not notice any changes at all. He is still playing the blame game with me. I have mentioned to him that I thought if he went to counseling, he would benefit from it. I do see that he is still very confused about us. He did tell me he was still in limbo about us. He also told me that he has noticed my changes and likes them. That's the reason he likes spending some time with me. But he doesn't like to spend alone time with me. Only when D is with us. He said that he is not ready to spend alone time with me.
how do you feel about that?It bothers me but I don't dwell on it because there is nothing I can do about it.
Thank you so much for reading and your advice. I appreciate all the help I can get.
Well, I am expected to be there. I am going to go and have a good time. But after dinner, that will be it. I am going to disappear unless its in emergency regarding our D.
My other kids are in college. 2 are away and my other D goes to college full time and works on weekends. She babysits for me every Thursday so I can go to class.
