My H is driving home today with the boys. They have a 13 hours drive, so I still have some time to mentally prepare myself. that drive must have been an ordeal for your h. Even think about that and how it might affect his attitude? You may want to give him at least the same benefit of doubt that you give yourself for feeling "off" or for not recalling big negative episodes of the m.
Just put yourself in HIS shoes so you learn empathy. I would love to hear you tell me good things about your h and how you can see why he feels as he does...
I was doing good so far, I was planning a special dinner and looking forward to hugging my boys again.
sounds good. I hope you did that^^^ if you chose not to, then do you see how that just looks punitive on your end? Like you're teaching him a lesson, at the boy's expense. A great 180 after your conversation would be welcoming him home with open arms....as if all had gone great! Just food for thought.
Then.... H called to let me know they were on the road. He told me that he had sat with his dad and revised our Sep papers and wanted to go over them with me. [H has not discussed/mentioned Sep papers in 2 weeks, and our last discussion was only about doing a deployment agreement] So needless to say, I was a little confused and hurt. did you interpret his not saying anything for the 2 week Christmas vacation to mean he did not want the sep anymore?
what difference does it make that he spoke to his father? He of all people knows why his father would take a certain view of things and I trust that won't be the only voice he hears...plus, btw, you have NO control over this and for your heart sake and your m's sake, you have to let go of what you cannot control.
I expressed that I was confused because he had said I would get a copy of our most recent agreement so I could discuss things with my parents too.... he never sent that to me in the past 2 weeks. H got very defensive and stern voice: "I never said you couldn't talk to your dad. I never said I wasn't going to talk to mine, that was my plan and it didn't change. Not my fault if you feel like this." (I was proud of my 180 reaction): "I've told you how I feel. I don't want to discuss this with you while you are driving and I don't want S5 to hear anything. I appreciate the heads-up and I will get my thoughts together so we can discuss it when you get home." [inside I'm crying and screaming!!] I was surprised by how calm he instantly got: "if I upset you, that wasn't my intention. This whole process is frustrating for me- maybe that's why I sounded angry." (of course ---- So this was on of the things I predicted before my trip.... now I'm waiting for the other prediction to come true- that he will announce that he's moving out until he leaves in July. ***please dont' make negative predictions. Hope for the best while preparing for the worst makes total sense, but making predictions just seems to tip the scales, now and then, against us...I've been there
This one I will fight against- not for me but for the kids.
man I wish you would not do this Fact is, he will be gone for a year and miss daily hugs, kisses, bedtime, birthdays and holidays....
you really do not believe he is aware of this? He knows and he's not happy with it and you must MUST try to see his point of view in this.
To HIM he has been a victim of behavior of yours, which you yourself have described badly. You said you were "out of control" "mean" "flew off the handle" etc and though you say you had physical or physiological reasons for that, it still happened TO HIM...and now you are saying you are changing but how would HE know that? What does he see?
You didn't own it b/c you say you don't recall it or you had post partum depression and though most of us have had hormonal swings when pregnant or after, we are cognitively aware enough to know when we need help.
The problem with this "you can't blame ME approach" is that it also means
"so don't count on me changing and in fact now that I have a diagnosis, who knows? Maybe I'll get worse..." and if you become an invalid, who "may" have another fugue, do you see that it probably won't help matters or make a reconciliation that appealing?
do you see how that is not appealing to him b/c he sees himself as a long suffering h, who has been through a lot, and when you originally posted here you didn't disagree much with his assessment.
For sure the marriage was tumultuous and he's said that a "good time now and then, isn't enough" and in truth, don't you agree?
he owes it to my kids to be with them every moment he has available. I will not hesitate to tell him that he is being selfish if he moves out and that our kids' needs must come before his.
Wow, please don't do this^^^. You will fuel every negative image he has of your worst behavior. I would not criticize him for anything unless there was a gun to my head...
Not criticizing him is not = being a doormat b/c setting boundaries needs no criticizing, and at this point, neither does your h
I know that statement goes against DB, but it's for the benefit of the boys so I have no problem breaking a rule.
no, it's against DBing b/c it won't work, which hurts them and you, and you're showing him NO change
Have you read the div busting books yet? Or the Div Remedy one? What did you think of them? The goal here is not to guilt him into staying -
but to show him through changes IN YOU that marriage to you could be different and better.
So ask yourself how each choice you make helps or hurts your goal.
Had to vent that out before it eats at me all day. Ok, now back to planning a special dinner for my boys (I could care less if H likes it, or even if he eats at all!!)
will read more of your thread when I can but HAD to respond to this post.
hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
