25 said: "such great posts to you Crimson...I think your wife may feel you are happier but how do you know that? And why is that all bad? If my h and I had divorced in his MLC, and he was still miserable today, I would Not find that attractive, nor would I feel vindicated. I'd think "still? Why hasn't he learned anything yet?""
I feel that she thinks I am happier without her because she TOLD me she thought that - and that she always suspected that would be the case. I guess I see that as bad because if she equates me being happy with her being OUT of my life then she has proven to herself that leaving was a good thing for ME.
25 said: "& that's all...IF a seed is planted and takes roots, YOU will NOT know this until it takes root and sprouts in some way. So take heart b/c while I have hope for you, I don't see it happening soon."
I know. I don't think it will be a quick fix at all. All I can hope is that is doesn't make things worse. Part of me remains hopeful that a seed has already been planted based on what she has seen in me over the last few months. I'm not going to bet my liver on it, but I would imagine that SOMETHING looks and feels different in me through eyes - she has all but said so.
KD Said: "She may feel guilty because you still want her in your life and she does not want to be... and THEN... she'll be ANGRY at you for making her feel guilty... and why, oh why, can you not just move forward and be happy... that's what she wants for herself and while she might say she doesn't care about you, she wants that for you, as well... because she does not want to feel guilty about not being in love with you..."
This ^^^ terrifies me. Though I know it is a possibility - I want to believe that somewhere through all of this there is a tiny sliver of love for me in there someplace.
25 said: "It's one thing to apportion blame (DO NOT!!!) but it's another to simply own your role in YOUR behavior. Only address that and assume that she will, in time assess her own flaws. (If not, then she's not the loss you fear she is.) In any case, you reviewing and owing YOUR stuff, does nothing to absolve her of flaws or makes her perfect."
I haven't the least intent to point a finger at her in this....really, ever. If she wants to bring up her part ever, I will listen - but that sure as HELL won't be brought up in this letter - if it ever makes it way to her. She is free to contemplate her part, but I won't do a thing to lead her there.
KD said: "Do you think she would be attracted to someone who is miserable because they're pining for someone? Or do you think she would be attracted to someone who is happy and enjoying life?"
Well the latter is the clear choice - and I certainly have not shown any more signs of pining. I will say that I miss her in the letter, and tell her how I would do some things differently. I will also tell her that because of the strengthening of the bond between me and S, I know for a fact that I want another child in my life. I won't say "with her", but hope that she will see that she is still the person I want to be with - without groveling.
I fear she WON'T be attracted to someone "enjoying life" because as I said before she will take that to mean her being gone = me being happy, so if she ever thought about coming back it would only make my life worse. Nothing could be further from the truth. How does one effectively make that point?????
NLW Said: "That is, say something like "A couple of days ago you mentioned that you'd like to hear what I said to my parents about... If you're interested, I've written something down/jotted down a few points.""
That ^^^^ is more or less the plan. I'll give it to her and if she chooses to read, which I think she will, then great.
So guys (and girls!) the hard point I am finding is following the BRILLIANT advice that is DB and somehow balancing that against the things that make my wife, my life and my situation unique. I think staying away from R talk or anything close to it has been helpful - at least it has helped stabilize things. I am concerned that since once of her MAJOR complaints was that I was disconnected that staying too far away would only make that case stronger - especially since she thinks I am "happy" right now being away from her.
For some reason I can get the notion of letting her know how I feel right now out of my heart. Divine messaging or my ego? No clue. But it feels like something I have to do right now. I know the chances of it making things "better" are slim to none.....but as ya'll have noted, at best I can plant a seed. Maybe giving her a tiny glimpse into my head right now isn't a bad thing.
I am moving forward....lovingly. But my heart still wants my family together....eventually. If I go back to the original question posed by Sandi (I think) I need to ask "does this move me closer or farther away from my goal?" - with this, I am not sure 100% - but I don't think it moves me too much farther away.
