Forward, slow as she goes

[WCW]

Here is my 2x4 –
BM, you want to hear talk in the exact words you want to hear. Instead you have to listen to the words he is saying to you.
He is clear on the car, he is clear on the house, he is clear on the 2 places, he is clear on you having your needs met, he is clear on the kids. It is only himself that he has no clue about.
You want him to love you with passion, you want to be the VIP in his life. Is he and was he ever capable of that?
If there is work to be done on the house then take charge and handle it. Call the contractors or the maids. Get it done. Get your hands dirty if that’s what it means. Do it for yourself, and for your H. Give HIM a break of having to do it all.
You’ve got the world, and you have your H. Move forward with your life and if he doesn’t come along then it sounds like you’ll still have the world without H. What’s your choice?

I agree with Beatrice, happy people are attractive. Try it.

[BeingMe]

Okay, 2x4's received, loud and clear. I had this convo via TM because it's expensive to phone out of and into China, and it wasn't supposed to have been a long conversation. Skype works sporadically. I was feeling guilty about the stupid mercedes benz, which I got because my other car was smashed into while parked. The TM convo was an extension of another we had last time we were together.

It is easy to say "move on", "be happy", etc. when you live in the country of your birth, and have ties to family and old friends. I'm not unhappy, I do try. My *&^%$ cancer has taught me a lot about life, and so has this MLC ride. I don't want sympathy, I want answers and ideas to what to do. I do take charge where I can. I don't talk about these things to people in real life anymore (and not for a long time). It just pops up now and then between H and I when there is a big change happening like this potential job. I don't go around with a "poor me" attitude in real life. I smile, I laugh, I dance, and hum ... and get on with things. Inside, I am pretty happy with life. It's just my M that I sometimes cry over, and you cannot imagine how worried I am about H. I cannot help that ... I still love him.

I see that he is clear on physical things that he deigns to give us. It is hard to leave someone being nice to you, and it is hard to leave when you don't know where to go. But, I am planning. I do have a choice and I know that. Family (just not me) was always a big thing with him because we only had each other after we immigrated. I don't think I've ever indicated that I want him to love me with passion. Some romance occasionally would be nice. Just to love me the way he did before this whole mess with OW would also be nice. I want him to be the VIP in his life. I guess I didn't make that clear in the TM, but I've said words to that affect before.

I cannot just call the contractors because I don't have access to the money. And I can clean just as well as any maid. I have extended my help many times. My S24 also helps with much of the renovation work, such as the shower downstairs. I just made the comment that there's a lot of work to do, not because he is doing it, but just that there is. I am moving forward, but slowly. One cannot get a degree in a matter of months.

So, Beatrice and WCW, while I get your point about listening to H and hearing what he is saying, I am still at an impasse. I do have patience, which is actually a 180 for me. I used to be the angry, impatient type, and I have changed so much. WCW, you said to "try it" ... you have no idea how much I am doing so.

Thanks for the responses.

[BeingMe]

And, I will try not to initiate R talk. I didn't think I was, but perhaps there was some undercurrents of trying to find out what he is feeling. I have read this exchange a few times, and I get that now.

[beatrice]

I apologise. I have clearly upset you and I did not mean to do that. I will back off.

[BeingMe]

Upset me? Not at all, Beatrice. Again, I must've chosen the wrong words and tone. If you upset me, it was only that you made things clearer and I upset myself.

[WCW]

You don't have access to money? How did you arrange for uni? how did you arrange for traveling? how did you arrange for different car?

I'm not saying you're not trying. But it does seem that when you want something enough you know how to arrange the money.

I don't think there is any problem having conversations by phone or by IM or text, although it sure leaves out the opportunity to see body language and facial expressions. My H at one time traveled a lot and many of our R talks had to be via phone. If the time is right, talk by whatever means are available if it works in your sitch.

I can't be more specific than when I say arrange for the work to be done or do the work yourself. Arrange for the money with your H, get a check and prepay. If that's what is holding you back.

I've never not lived in my home country, so I don't know that feeling. What I figure is that if you're strong enough to make the move out you have to be strong enough to deal with the consequences of the move.

[BeingMe]

H does it all online, WCW - the university fees, travel, etc. The car was bought cash (second hand) and I was phoned for my license number for him to buy the insurance. I get a stipend for groceries. Yes, I am a strong person, but that strength seems to have leaked out a little during the past 7 years, but I am getting back to my real self slowly, but surely. When I ask to do the work myself or get a contractor, my H says "no, he'll organise it when at home." So, I can either get into an argument, or I just leave it for him, and do what I can without fighting. He won't even let me mow the stupid lawn. I have not used the new mower, tried to work it out, and couldn't. I did ask my S24 if he could show me, but he hasn't had time yet, but I'm going to get it done this spring. I guess he thinks I am weak now from my illness, but I am getting a lot stronger, physically speaking.

[BeingMe]

PS Just want to say that arranging money with H is like pulling teeth. He wants to control all that. I get so fed up. It may come to me having to S officially, just to get alimony so I can learn to control my own money. Although, I am hoping to work in my new career.

[Mila]

Hi Being - just got caught-up on your tread. I probably didn't go back far enough, maybe you talked about it, but did you consult a lawyer about your options? You shouldn't have to ask your H for every penny...really seems like he is controlling you...not a good place to be.

((((hugs)))

[BeingMe]

Hi Mila. No, I haven't been to the lawyer yet. I did discuss it with H, and he didn't freak out like he did before. I think he would go for mediation. I don't think he knows what he wants at this point.

As for money ... I could clear out our joint account, but that wouldn't help because that pays our bills. I get money every second week, but that's for groceries. I have started saving a little from that money to pay for a lawyer/mediator when it comes time. I never ever thought, when we got married that we would have enough money to ever argue over. But, it's not the money per se, it's the lack of communication over it. The control. We should be a team, discussing all aspects of our finances, marriage, home, and so on.

I will continue with my plans to move, depending on the MRI in June, and the selling of our house.