Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

Okay, 2x4's received, loud and clear. I had this convo via TM because it's expensive to phone out of and into China, and it wasn't supposed to have been a long conversation. Skype works sporadically. I was feeling guilty about the stupid mercedes benz, which I got because my other car was smashed into while parked. The TM convo was an extension of another we had last time we were together.

It is easy to say "move on", "be happy", etc. when you live in the country of your birth, and have ties to family and old friends. I'm not unhappy, I do try. My *&^%$ cancer has taught me a lot about life, and so has this MLC ride. I don't want sympathy, I want answers and ideas to what to do. I do take charge where I can. I don't talk about these things to people in real life anymore (and not for a long time). It just pops up now and then between H and I when there is a big change happening like this potential job. I don't go around with a "poor me" attitude in real life. I smile, I laugh, I dance, and hum ... and get on with things. Inside, I am pretty happy with life. It's just my M that I sometimes cry over, and you cannot imagine how worried I am about H. I cannot help that ... I still love him.

I see that he is clear on physical things that he deigns to give us. It is hard to leave someone being nice to you, and it is hard to leave when you don't know where to go. But, I am planning. I do have a choice and I know that. Family (just not me) was always a big thing with him because we only had each other after we immigrated. I don't think I've ever indicated that I want him to love me with passion. Some romance occasionally would be nice. Just to love me the way he did before this whole mess with OW would also be nice. I want him to be the VIP in his life. I guess I didn't make that clear in the TM, but I've said words to that affect before.

I cannot just call the contractors because I don't have access to the money. And I can clean just as well as any maid. I have extended my help many times. My S24 also helps with much of the renovation work, such as the shower downstairs. I just made the comment that there's a lot of work to do, not because he is doing it, but just that there is. I am moving forward, but slowly. One cannot get a degree in a matter of months.

So, Beatrice and WCW, while I get your point about listening to H and hearing what he is saying, I am still at an impasse. I do have patience, which is actually a 180 for me. I used to be the angry, impatient type, and I have changed so much. WCW, you said to "try it" ... you have no idea how much I am doing so.

Thanks for the responses.