Together since we were 15...Part 2

[Jenna333]

It has to hurt so much to know that he's sleeping with others I hope ex won't tell me when he is.

He didn't start texting them until after he left me. I know he would hang around and talk while we were together, though.

[Jenna333]

Is it a good sign that he still cries when he thinks about us? That he was crying today when he asked why I didn't take care of him?

[Jenna333]

Anyone?

I had dreams of him with other women all night. I can't describe how awful that was.

We won't be seeing every day anymore. I thought he'd be sad about not seeing the kids every day, but he seemed relieved. More time for his single life, I guess. His 'hating on girls' comment keeps playing in my head. I can't believe he's gotten himself involved enough to have issues with OTHER women already. He said he isn't involved and it's not a big deal. I just don't want/need to hear they kind of crap anymore. It haunts me. He knows it. He's haunted, too. He always takes what I say and runs with it. If I mention guys offering to buy me drinks, he assumes I got their numbers and made out with them all night. We just CAN'T talk about our personal lives at all anymore. We both admit curiosity, but what we find out only hurts us.

[purgatory]

Jenna, I'm really sorry you're going through this right now. I've been reading, but I don't have it in me to respond with any helpful advice (I'm really struggling to keep going right now).... I'm only writing now to let you know that you're not alone out there.

Your H seems to be really conflicted about himself and about you- the best you can ever hope for is to step out of his way while he hits bottom so he doesn't take you with him (misery loves company, right?) Then you have to decide if you want to be the hand that he grabs as he comes out of the hole, or if you've had enough (only you can decide.)

wish I had more for you, sorry.
((jenna))

[Jenna333]

I'm so sorry, Pur. You are not alone, either.

I need to stop analyzing him. I think he's just trying to put most of the blame on me. By tearfully asking me why I didn't change before, he's putting more blame on me. Never does he randomly bring up ways that he should have changed during our R. This was not all me. Not even close. I'm thankful to be strong enough to see that now. I absolutely own my part in what went wrong. He'll grudgingly admit his part, but he seems to shove it in the back of his mind 99% of the time (at least when he's around me). I think the guilt would eat him alive if he made himself face what he's done and that it wasn't mostly my fault.

[Jenna333]

I signed a lease on an apartment! We can move in on Valentine's Day. It's 900sqft. It's nice! It has a fireplace My 7 year old will be zoned for a good school. This next month is going to be insane. I start school, work, AND we'll be moving!

Ex said yesterday that he'd call this morning, and shocker, he didn't. I texted him this afternoon to ask what our old apartment complex is named (we lived there before we mived into this house). I forgot it, lol. Must have blocked it out. He texted back immediately. I was a bit irritated. I asked him why he didn't call the kids this morning. They were expecting him to, and were asking me about him all.day.long. He texted back that he was doing house stuff all day. Pfft. He called while I was still at the apartment and talked to the kids. Our daughter told him that we're moving, and he asked to speak to me. He said he's really happy for me. We talked about cooperating to transfer power, u-verse, etc into my name. He said he knows we can't be friends yet, but he knows we can be civil. As well as I feel I'm doing, when he says things like that it's like a knife in my heart all over again.

Ugh. Anyway, the kids and I are excited The conplex has a heated indoor pool and 2 outdoor pools. It has a washer and dryer in the unit, which is GREAT. t'll be good to get out of the house where I lived with ex. This new place, though not 'mine', will be MINE, ya know?

[Jenna333]

So, ex and the kids left a little bit ago. They'll be back in a little over an hour.

We figured out a budget plan. Of course it's pretty loose right now, considering I don't know what kind of public assistance I'll be getting, but even if I get zero, I'll only have around $60 to make up. That's pretty great! I'm shocked it all lined up that well. Once I start working I won't have to worry so much. James is completely fine with supporting my household until I'm able to. He can plainly see that I'm doing all that I can.

He'll be keeping the kids Monday and Tuesday nights so I won't have to worry about picking them up so late. That will be fun for the kids, too. They haven't spent the night with their dad (while knowing he was here...) in 5 weeks. Tomorrow will be the first night he has them without me. I brought up the car seat issue and he said he just flat doesn't have the money right now. He said money's been awful at his job and he's been paying all of the bills and doesn't have any extra right now. He understands that he needs to get his own. I will keep reminding him.

I feel strong. It feels really great. I don't feel like I'm pining for him anymore =O He shaved his mustache off. Omg, he looks weird! He's had it the past going on 2 years. I think he looks so much better with it...especially since he still has the goatee and the long hair. Anyway, that just shocked me, lol.

He was on the verge of tears practically the entire hour he was here. I wasn't hardly at all. Maybe once or twice. He brought up the relationship, of course. He said it's so bittersweet that I'm doing the changing now. He agrees that he has a lot of maturing to do (and so do I, which he of course pointed out). He said it all just [censored] so much because he's in limboland right now. It's school especially that has him feeling this way. He has no idea if he'll get his financial aid back yet.

I can't remember exactly what I said (I think it had to do with my dad possibly going through a divorce, and I said I told my dad if I can do it, he can do it). Ex stopped dead in his tracks, looked me in the eye, and said, "Do you feel like this was the best thing for us?" I actually said yes, I do. I meant it. I needed to grow. I don't know why, but I was not growing with him. He said wow and that he didn't see that coming. He just stood there in silence and stared off into space for a minute after that. I don't know, we did a lot of talking. I didn't feel emotionally manipulated at all. I think I'm becoming immune to it, if he's even trying to manipulate me at all, which I don't think he was today. I felt really ok to talk to him. I accept that it's over. I know he isn't coming home. I wouldn't want him to, at this point. We were not good for each other. The trust is gone.

It's obvious that we're both mourning the relationship. As I thought all along, it wasn't that he fell out of love with me. He said love just wasn't enough, and I agree. It's just tragic, isn't it? To still have the love, but to have to try to make it die because you know that you just don't mix well with the person you're in love with. That you just can't live that way anymore. Both of us couldn't. It just took me a lot longer to figure it out for myself.

We decided to keep our accounts joint for the next few months, at least. I reminded him that if he starts dating someone within that time that she could heavily influence him and he could kick me out of the accounts. He looked forlorn and said I don't have to worry about him dating anytime soon at all. I'm guessing his coworker deal didn't work out how he wanted it to...lol =S I told him that that's not my business, but that I hope he'll remember what he's saying now and to not kick me out of the accounts. He said he wouldn't. Hopefully it'll only need to be this way until I start getting regular paychecks. I hope I'll be starting in March rather than April. Not sure of which yet.

I ended up comforting him (or I tried to) as he left. He told me to just not say anything because he was already crossing boundaries. He was in tears. I said it was ok, and said what I wanted to say. He said he felt like he'd been robbed of his confidence, and that was a big part of who he was. I asked him who robbed him of it? I got him to realize that he robbed himself of it, and that it never left.

Anyway, this is getting long. We both agreed to not think the worst of each other, and to think of our relationship as something that we can learn from (good and bad!). I was joking around and said that if he promises not to think of me as a controlling bitch, I won't think of him as a lying [censored], LOL. He said he doesn't think of me that way. We were just so young, selfish, and honestly ignorant of how a healthy relationship should be. We both deserved better. We know that we truly loved each other and that's why we held on, but love just wasn't enough. It never is, and shouldn't be. There is so much more that goes into a relationship.

[purgatory]

Sounds like it was a good conversation..... And you stood your ground!!

This sounds very promising.... I see good things happening for ya!
(can't wait till I have some good news to share... Not anytime soon)


It's encouraging to hear such positive things can come out of disasters

[Jenna333]

(((Pur))) Pain is often a catalyst for growth. I've just come to accept that he's not coming home. I can't focus on it anymore. It was eating me alive. I have my life to live, ya know?

School starts for me this evening! I hope I'll adjust to the schedule pretty easily. I'm usually asleep by 10 since ex left me. I used to wait up for him to get home from work, so that meant staying up until midnight often, or later. But my sleeping schedule has been weird since he left. I'm often asleep by 9 or 10 and I'm up at 5 or 6. Not cool! Ex has mentioned that he's still hardly sleeping. He tells the kids he sketches at night. He's taken up sketching as a hobby. He's always been interested in drawing, but never took the time for it before. He showed me a sketch a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty good!

Whenever I'm gearing up to do something new, my strength waivers I start thinking about him and I feel sad that he's not here cheering me on and showing me how proud he is of me. He says he is when he's here, and I know he is, but it's not the same. He is resentful of me in a large way, and he's depressed about his school situation. I'm so thankful for the support that I have, and I do have a lot. I just feel alone without him still, kwim? I'm getting used to it, but times like these are when I struggle with it most. I can't believe it's going on 6 weeks. So much has changed since he left. And a month from tomorrow the kids and I will be moving into our own apartment! Ex mentioned yesterday that he definitely won't be crossing boundaries over there, or something like that. I think he just feels so comfortable in this house, even though he's never liked this house.

I know going up and down is normal in this process...missing him so much that I'm brought to tears some days, then feeling like this was the right decision and we're both better off other days It's really a shame that we both couldn't get our sh!t together while we were together. He says that often. Maybe someday we'll be together again. Maybe not. The trust issues make me cringe. I like not worrying about him lying to me. It's a relief.

I guess I just see his point in a way, that we both need to live our lives separately and if they lead back together, then it's meant to be.

Feel free to smack me for talking like this.

[Jenna333]

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed...it's so much in a short period of time. The tears are just flowing right now I miss my best friend. I can see how he still gets teary eyed around me even though he made this decision. It's so difficult to be in love with someone and just know that you don't work well together and need time to grow into your own person. He and I were so wrapped up in each other that we didn't have our own identities. I don't know that we could have broken that and flourished as individuals while being together. We never had that solid ground to start with. We attached unhealthily from the very beginning.

I just feel so many emotions right now. I'm proud of myself. I'm feeling confident about my future. I miss him terribly and I wish things could have been different between us. Once again, I need to repeat to myself that he is not the person I want to be with right now. He isn't fit for anyone right now, honestly, and neither am I.

A part of me is almost hoping he takes this semester off of school so he can take the kids on Mondays and Tuesdays. I will need those days to do homework all day both days, probably.