Too Little, Too late. 2

[purgatory]

This is it. (it's gonna be long, but I really really really need HELP)

I spent my weekend at a beach hotel. I tried to enjoy my time and GAL. Went through the motions and managed to get a few things accomplished.

Then my H called to say he had spoken with my BFF (who will from now be referred to as OW). He said her response was: "wow. I'll have to think about that."

Can you imagine the rush of anger/pain/confusion that ran through my body?!?!

I kinda threw out all my DB skills.... I hung up on him so that I wouldn't cry on the phone. He called back later to 'check on me' and I lost it. I never yelled, but I said everything I should have. After a few choice words for her and him, I said: "don't bother inviting me to the wedding." and hung up.

I feel completely betrayed by my supposed BFF. I was finally able to get her on the phone (she ignored several texts). She was suprised at my level of anger, saying that she hasn't made a decision yet- so why was I so mad? I explained to her, that as my BFF who has claimed to never have feelings for him and to have helped fight for my marriage over the past 6 months- her FIRST AND ONLY RESPONSE should have been: "NO. This can never happen because {purg} is my friend and I could never do that to her!"

I further explained what my next steps would be (moving away) if she pursued this. I got a lot of: "why would you leave your kids or take them away from their dad?" "I don't know what I want." "I do think I have feelings for him, but I don't know what they mean." "You are both my friends and I don't want to loose either of you." "So, you're basically telling me that I have to decide if I want to loose both friends, or just one of you?"

REALLY? ARE YOU F_ING KIDDING ME????? I CAN"T BELIEVE SHE ASKED ME THIS ^^^^^^ QUESTION!!! In my best DB effort, I said: "Yes, that is a tough choice, but please forgive me if I don't have any sympathy for you."

After a few choice words about how I can't believe anything she's ever told me before, how I feel foolish for opening up to her and crying my eyes out over my H all this time, how she is the OW in my eyes and I can't ever be her friend again.... she cried a little and I hung up on her.

Flash to this morning, I called her (probably shouldn't have). I asked her if she's made her decision because I need to be able to make plans if I will be moving soon. She said: "I don't want a R with him now, but I can see that in the future because he's such a great guy." (cue my vomit, literally.)

She went on to say that she is a wreck over this choice and that I mean a lot to her. I called BS!! My response: "If you really gave a sh!t about our friendship and everything that I have ever told you about how I feel for H, than you wouldn't have hesitated. When you were put to the test about sticking up for me and fighting for my M, you saw an opportunity for yourself and you took it. How dare you."

I have accepted my actions that led to the break-down of my M. I was working on accepting that my H and I would only ever be friends (if we could ever get there again)... now I feel like another bomb has been dropped on me. I am angry with both of them, but betrayed by my friend.

Here's a question: I expressed to H and her that I would like to sit with both of them to talk this over. I'm not sure what my motivation is for this. I really don't want to repeat myself, and I want both of them to hear what I have to say to the other one. My fear is that they will feel attacked and therefore unite against me- pushing them closer together quicker. I feel like I deserve to have my friend look me in the eye and tell me her choices (she's very passive aggressive and will not confront anyone unless over the phone)

Should I talk with them?

I'm not proud of the fact that I have cried now to both H and her. I showed my weaknesses. I know that I need to be the bigger person and act 'as if', but how do you actually do this when I am filled with so much rage and hurt??