Hey Crimson...just catchino up on your thread after attending a great Patriots victory tonight.
Don't overthink things so much bud....just speak or write the truth to her......what insights you have gained regarding the issues you two had...how you would handle things better going forward and why its important to your M and families welfare.
As I read your posts I keep thinking of you as Luke Skywalker closing in on the death star and Obywans voice saying "Luke trust the force....". I think you need to trust the truth from your heart...and the divine aspect of this. Crimson Skywalker.....trust The Force.
I know you're right. I just have a bad case of analysis paralysis. Don't want to forget to say something or say the WRONG thing, or come across as desperate or pleading. I know that I am not, but I fear that I am for some reason. I guess I am also fearful that I let her know all of this and then she will tell me to get lost - she doesn't believe me and it's too late.
My mind keeps going back to the absolutes she used "I'm done. I have no feelings for you or this marriage. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. It's over." I keep telling myself not to believe anything she says and only half of what she does - but that is tough for me because she seemed so serious, so angry, so......done.
Ya know, when I was in the 5th grade I had a crush on a girl named Melissa. She was so pretty I got nervous every single time I was around her. Somehow, my sister convinced me to write her a letter asking her to "go with me" (common dating parlance in the early 80's). To this day I remember getting to school early and dropping it in her locker. She didn't find it for weeks. When she did , it somehow made her physically ill and she had to go to the nurse's office. Of course, all of this happened in front of the entire class - giving me my first lesson in embarrassment. I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until summer break! As I am writing this letter to my w, imam having flashbacks and drawing parallels. . I know I'm in my head and just need to get this done. Just a little scared.
Who knows why Melissa was felt ill that day? Maybe it had nothing to do with you. Don't let trying to figure out why others react as they do cripple you.
When my H told me he was done, no chance, it's over, I was crushed and I said similar things back to him and then, the clincher: "If you're so done then move out" and as if that wasn't enough the next day when he was still there I said: "So you're still here, I thought you were done!" Did I want him to move out? No, but I was hurt and angry and allowed my emotions to overrule my head. Your W was very hurt and did what she did in an attempt to stop the hurting.
You have a chance to touch that place where she is hurting. Make it short and sweet. I think more than half a page would be overkill and may seem manipulative. I wouldn't bring up a lot of what you did then, because that's going to bring it to the forefront again. Speak from the heart about what you would do going forward and your feelings about the importance of the relationship, and listening to her.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
crimson just got a chance to catch up on your thread. Sorry lawyers started to get involved we did that as well and now my w and i are sitting down to talk today for lunch, re budgets and finance. She is still confused. I will say everyones advice here is great and its good to know people are out there that care. Write your letter from the heart don't over think just do, alla yoda. Don't go to long just enough to say your still fighting. As long as one person fights for the marriage there is always a chance. I am glad to see your enjoying your son. I will admit its hard being a single parent but at the end of the day when they are going to bed and say i love you its worth it. Good luck
M37 W34 S6 D3 M8yrs T14 S 1year Told me she doesn't want to be married 10/2011 "I will never stop trying because when you find the ONE, you never give up." Steve Carrell Crazy, stupid, Love
In my opinion, I would hold off on the letter. She might feel pressure from it and move farther away from you. I am speaking from experience. I wrote my husband several emails, but he never replied back to any of them. When we are together, I do not talk about us getting back together unless he brings it up first. Then I really don't say too much about it then.
If you do decide to send the letter, I agree, write from the heart. Maybe write it and hold on to it for awhile. Then when the time is right, you can send it.
Well, hopeful - she kind of asked for a letter or e-mail. Otherwise, I wouldn't dare write one. Heck, I am feeling edgy enough writing it upon request - I don't think I could muster the nerve to do it without her asking first.
In the beginning, I wrote 2-3 letters to her asking her to stay, telling her I loved her...no more of that. And that really isn't the tone of this letter.
Crimson, there's a reason why that quote Mach1 made above is so important...
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Don't want to forget to say something or say the WRONG thing, or come across as desperate or pleading. I know that I am not, but I fear that I am for some reason. I guess I am also fearful that I let her know all of this and then she will tell me to get lost - she doesn't believe me and it's too late.
I, and many others here, have written some of their best, from the heart, succinct and loving letters to their spouses.
I have not seen a single one of those letters abruptly nor obviously change the course of their spouse. And in many cases, it pushes the spouse further away.
Why? It appears because... wait for it... wait...
We cannot control how our spouses interpret our words. They are coming from a different emotional place than we are, so much of what we write appears to them as either finger and blame pointing, or comes across needy, or is simply uncomfortable for them to hear.
Yes, your W said words that appeared to have opened this door for you. Are you clear... are you 100% clear, that she has asked you to write a heart felt letter letting her know exactly the things you did wrong and how you understand she is hurt, and how much family and her mean to you...
Or did she ask you to let her know what you said to your parents...
Or... was she just reacting in a knee jerk manner and challenging you in the moment or even just saying something that was interpreted differently than she meant...??
It is OK to spend the time and effort to put down to paper everything you have. If it is helpful for you, that is fantastic. And at this time, are you absolutely, 100% sure that she has not already forgotten she asked you for that? And she absolutely, 100% is now in a place to be receptive to it?
I also think this little gem is really, really important to highlight:
Originally Posted By: Crimson
... convinced me to write her a letter asking her to "go with me" (common dating parlance in the early 80's). ... it somehow made her physically ill and she had to go to the nurse's office. Of course, all of this happened in front of the entire class - giving me my first lesson in embarrassment. I wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until summer break!
I understand you may have made this comment in a slight, tongue in cheek moment.
Think about this, though... you remember vividly, that moment... that event... and there's no doubt at that moment, it was very traumatic for you... that whole experience likely was...
How has your life and that experience shown up in your life, possibly many times over, and how it is very likely influencing what you are doing, right now, with this letter...
If only you had not written that letter, or...
If you and only written that letter better, or...
well, you get that idea...
Still wondering why you're in analysis paralysis?
Words are easily misinterpreted... actions rarely are... actions may be confusing, but rarely misinterpreted...
My actions have lead the whole way for the last several months. I have said absolutely nothing to her about me, my feelings or our relationship since before she moved out. Rather, I have focused on myself....a lot. GAL, and taking a look at how I ended up here. I have made a lot of 180s - never breathed a word to her about them and she still noticed or mentioned on her own. I have no intentions of letting any letter or communication stop the progress I have made. I FULLY agree that actions outweigh words by a factor of at least 100. At the same time, I feel that there comes a time when words aren't completely worthless if not frequent and overdone. Especially since we no longer live together and have limited, yet mostly pleasant interactions. I have NO intention of making a habit out of letter-writing or R talks....at all. I still am, and plan to continue, leading with my actions.
The purpose of this letter is to primarily let her know what I feel my role was in the meltdown, she asked to hear that. I also want her to know what I have learned over these few months about myself, my feelings, and life in general. That is it. It's not to beg, plead or to pursue. Still a bad idea?
Just to add on, now that I am thinking about it. Things have gotten to a point where she LITERALLY believes that I am happier without her - she has actually said that. I don't want her to think that I am at peace with this D, at all. I get the point of detaching, and I have made a lot of progress in that regard. But at what point is that interpreted as "lack of interest" or a true desire to be without them? I am not a pro at DB, but I feel as though that is a possibility of LRT, limiting communication and pulling back - which I have done. Am I reading all of this wrong? People can say "she already knows your feelings, no need to restate them" - but if she looks at me and thinks I am happier without her and out dating up a storm doesn't a point come up where one would need to chime in a bit? Before the the spouse just cashes in the chips because they thing YOU have moved on?
I don't know if this is the right thing to do, or if it is in accordance with DB. But I know that she DID ask for a letter or e-mail, and it is in my heart to let her know sort of where I am AND to continue working on ME.
. I know I'm in my head and just need to get this done. Just a little scared.